I’m an Atheist; How Can I Talk to My Children About Religion?

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When it comes to religion, parents, especially atheist parents, can find it difficult to explain to their children why other families believe certain things and we don’t. We have an endless number of ” big conversations ” with our children during their childhood, but conversations about religion are often imbued with the experiences of our own childhood, which now may or may not hang around us like baggage.

One atheist parent wrote in Parental Advisory for advice on how to discuss religion with their children as they grow up in a predominantly religious community:

My wife and I are atheists, and Christian culture prevails in the United States. We try to educate our children so that they know science and reason, but also respect the points of view of others. It can be difficult when religious people believe they have the Truth with a capital M. We’re probably complicating things by celebrating a non-religious version of Christmas.

Religion is really difficult, especially when you live in a place where people tend to think of you as a Christian. Our son recently asked us about this, and I rummaged, talking about why I do not believe in God, what evidence is there, etc. …

About a year ago, I caused a big stir in our school community when I objected that a religious group was holding meetings in the elementary school building and sending flyers home with children. This group is a fundamentalist organization that uses intimidation tactics to teach children to fear hell. As a result, they can still meet at school, but outside organizations can no longer distribute flyers in the classroom.

How can I deal with these problems and discuss with children in the future?

Sincerely,

Atheist

Dear atheist,

I’ll start by saying that, at least to some extent, all atheist parents will have to deal with this, and that at some point they will need to orientate themselves with their children – although life in the predominantly Christian community that you describe is probably creates a feeling as if a problem that surfaced much more often than in other homes.

In preparing my answer for you, I turned to journalist Wendy Thomas Russell , author of Relax, It’s Just God: How and Why Talk to Your Children About Religion If You Are Not Religious . The book was inspired by a conversation she had with her own daughter (in which her daughter once got into the car after kindergarten, completely bewildered why her mother never told her how God created the earth and all the people on it) …

One of the first things Russell told me is that your tone in these conversations is everything . It’s not so much what you say, because they will forget the specific words you use or the explanations you give. On the contrary, the way you talk about religion will stay with them for a long time. You must speak bluntly and simplistically and use a positive tone so that you, as Russell says, “don’t burden your language with heavy words or hard behavior.”

Keep conversations simple and easy

According to Russell, openness should be one of your main guiding principles when talking to children about their religious beliefs (or disbelief, as the case may be). You can talk openly about what you believe, even if those beliefs are different from the religion you are discussing, and you can discuss both points of view without being ashamed of anyone.

“I think when it comes down to it, it’s actually not too difficult,” she says. “We just complicate it because we have all these assumptions and all this baggage, to be honest, from our own upbringing and our own experiences that kind of colors the way we look at this situation.”

So if they come to you and ask about Jesus, you can say, “Well, people who are Christians believe that a man named Jesus was the son of God, and this is what people of other religions believe, and this is what I believe I am. “All this can be very prosaic without telling the children themselves what to believe in – this is what they will (and should) determine on their own over time.

In your case, in particular, you might even use the school situation to talk about what the group believes – that after you die, if you are a good person, you go to a place called heaven; and if you are a bad person, you will go to a place called hell. And you might say that it’s okay for these people to believe it, but that you didn’t think they were fair in telling all the kids in school what to believe, because everyone has to decide for themselves.

In the example of Russell talking to her daughter about how God created everything, she says she was caught off guard and didn’t know how to react at the moment – she didn’t want to say, “It’s not true,” and yet she did not want. I want to say it’s true. But now she realizes that she could have made things simpler by saying something like, “Oh, yes, your friend who told you that God created the earth and all people are Jews, and some Jews believe there is a called being. “God” who created the planet and all living beings on it. “

You can also emphasize how, as they grow up, they learn many different beliefs about God and life, as well as about what happens after people die.

Think of your children as “teachers” of other religions.

During our conversation, Russell mentioned something else that really amazed me and will help me rethink the way I look at these conversations with my own son – and that might help you too. She said she thinks of this process as helping our children become teachers of various religious beliefs.

“I didn’t think I was raising an atheist; I never thought about it, ”she says. “But I think from time to time, I raised” educator “because I wanted [my daughter] to be able to talk not only about what is considered her parents, but that someone – or believed.”

She drew a parallel with how a person’s religion is a defining part of his identity, just as his race, sexual orientation and gender identity are part of their personality. Talking to children about people of different races, sexual orientations and gender helps them become more inclusive, not less, and teaches them to protect the identity, experiences and perspectives of others, even if they are different from their own.

Another thing you can emphasize with your kids is that almost everyone, whether they practice a particular religion or not, believes in the basic principle that we should treat others the way we want them to. to treat us.

“If you want your child to be treated well despite what he wants to believe,” Russell says, “then you want to teach them to be kind, respectful, and fair to children who don’t believe in what your child believes. “

Starting out

We specifically talked about how to deal with these conversations as they naturally occur, but it’s also a good idea to think about how we can start these conversations with our children in advance. According to Russell, even if you are not raising your children according to the belief system of a particular religion, chances are good that they will somehow learn about the religion at the age of four or five. You can make a plan for how to respond when they inevitably start asking questions, or you can prepare them ahead of time.

Children love to play word games, especially when driving or trying to pass the time in line, which is why Russell created her own game called Fact, Fiction, or Belief?

“I really like this exercise,” she says. “What you are doing is trying to figure out – or let the kids figure out – what is the difference between ‘fact’, ‘fiction’ and ‘faith’ in terms of the things around them, without ever touching on religion. “

So, you might say, “Is our blue car fiction or belief?” And you define “fact” as something that is true, “fiction” is something false (or fictitious), and “belief” is what you believe to be true, but cannot be proven in any way case. So your blue car is fact , pink grass is fiction , and “all dogs are good dogs” is faith. (Just kidding, that’s a fact.)

As the children learn to discern the difference, you can begin to associate the same concepts with different religious beliefs.

Children’s books about religious stories or holidays are also a great way to introduce your kids to religion through storytelling rather than indoctrination. Russell has kindly provided us with a list that she has personally checked and which she likes:

All religions (and no religion)

Christianity

Native american

Islam

Hinduism

Judaism

Evolution

And, finally, Russell’s own book Relax, It’s Just God: How and Why to Talk to Children About Religion When You Are Not a Believer , includes a “cheat sheet” on the five major world religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity). , and Islam), as well as the major holidays celebrated by each, so that parents can also learn some of the basics while teaching their children.

That was a lot of information, atheist. But it should help you achieve your main goal – to educate your children about science, while respecting the points of view of others, even if others proclaim their beliefs, as you say, “Truth with a capital letter.” … “

Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.

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