How to Become a Co-Parent More Effectively
Managing a parenting relationship is not easy, whether parenting with a particularly difficult ex or with a former partner with whom you usually have a good relationship. However, most people are not irreparable assholes, and when the needs of the children involved are constantly at the center of the shared parenting relationship, healthy, workable dynamics can be developed even when you deal with the consequences of the relationship between the couple did not work out.
Sean Hart, who founded the Flint, Michigan-based nonprofit InvolvedDad in 2015, often sees firsthand the impact negative or unhealthy co-parenting behavior can have on children and families. InvolvedDad uses research-based methods to mentor, support and connect fathers with learning and resources to strengthen them as fathers and improve their relationships with children. Many of the families InvolvedDad works with are low income and some are returning citizens. In some cases, the fathers they work with have not been involved in their children’s lives for a significant period of time.
Learning to empathize with the other parent in a relationship is often a vital first step in developing healthy co-parenting dynamics.
“Guys come at the end of their lives to mend relationships, but the mother has been doing this for 10 years or more, sometimes, so now you come and mom looks at you with the words:“ I don’t need your help, I’m doing this, so we are trying to educate us about this, ”says Hart. “You have to understand how the other side is feeling to allow them to continue to take the lead and figure out where you fit.”
We asked Hart to share some tips for building relationships with a joint parent and the traits that make them positive and successful for children.
Understand barriers
Hart says breaking some of the economic barriers is often one of the first steps in creating healthier co-parenting dynamics.
“A lot of the men who come to us have problems with child support, so this creates obstacles that (with a higher income) do not face the man or the father,” he says. “If they don’t pay child support, it can put some tension in the relationship between the child’s father and mother. If the mother and father do not know their rights, we associate alimony with access to the child, but these are two different problems: alimony is one thing; time for parents is different. “
The paternity disposition is an important step that some parents lack if they have not gone through formal divorce or custody processes in establishing rights and boundaries for each parent. Hart also notes that if the parent or parents grew up in families with unhealthy joint parenting relationships, it becomes easy to repeat this behavior. The commitment to breaking this vicious circle and seeking help or advice about unresolved childhood traumas is an important step in breaking some of the curses of generations or getting rid of bad behavior.
“Often times the fathers we work with didn’t have a father, so we want to deal with that,” says Hart. “How did you feel, what were the consequences of his absence? Many are furious and bitter. “
In some ways, there is too much lingering pain or trauma to make effective parenting unacceptable, especially after the relationship has ended. As a first step, Hart says, it’s important to understand whether you should be working on a co-parenting relationship or a parallel parenting relationship.
“Co-parenting is one of the many things we look at to cope with a particular relationship. You can’t just make a general statement about what works best, ”says Hart. “We are trying to determine if we can give the father the opportunity to start working with the mother; or if we can’t, the other part is parallel parenting, where we can never develop a good relationship (between the parents), so how can we work side by side without making the relationship more turbulent. “
Communication and boundaries as a foundation
The first step in establishing a healthy co-parenting relationship is simply understanding that the children involved are a priority, even if long-standing resentment or unresolved feelings persist between the parents because the relationship has ended. One way to start developing healthy habits is by communicating in a planned and deliberate way and keeping strict boundaries on both sides.
“Communication is the most important thing,” says Hart. “We mediate and help people understand the importance of both parental involvement and healthy ways of communicating. This includes avoiding derogatory conversations about the other person, making a plan for how and when you communicate, giving up attempts to engage in sexual relations, and accepting responsibility for your actions. Are you breaking old cycles or habits that initially complicated the relationship? “
Having some basic rules of how and what you talk to each other, and a commitment to courtesy, especially in front of children, are extremely important in creating a healthy, trusting environment in which children know that both parents are on the same page.
Hart also notes that once some basic rules of engagement and how you communicate are established, it is vital to abide by those rules and boundaries and stick to your promises.
Respect their time with the other parent
Even when two people get along and deal well with big problems as co-parents, there are still inevitable differences in how each person runs their household. It is important for each person to understand that when families are separated, there are just some small everyday things about which one of the parents does not have the right to vote, and not to cross this line.
Author Lorraine Ladish wrote for HuffPost about how she has built her own successful co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband, highlighting the importance of this concept:
If your kids only see dad on weekends, don’t interfere with their time together by calling them too often. Especially don’t call when you know they might be having dinner, or if it’s bedtime. If you miss them, call a friend to sympathize. Think about how you would feel if your ex insisted on calling you at home after hours and made the kids treat him badly.
Get help when you need it
“You don’t go to your family doctor when you need brain surgery,” Hart says, noting that there are a variety of experts and professionals who can help parents solve a wide range of issues, from parental time agreements to child support to family counseling. Services.
“The biggest problem that complicates the relationship is the unresolved issues,” says Hart. “Whether it’s what happened in the relationship, unforgiveness, or not having to deal with the elephant in the room – instead of dealing with it through an intermediary, they try to deal with it on their own or get unhealthy advice that keeps the fire going. “
Talking in advance about how to resolve differences can be part of a successful co-parenting strategy. Having consistent, agreed-upon rules in advance, including reliable sources that can be consulted as objective third parties when conflicts arise, can increase stability and make it easier to navigate through difficult times.
Communicate updates about changes in your life
Something that can undermine even healthy co-parenting relationships is when new partners are brought into the dynamic. Hart says any new meaningful other people who fall into this equation must be done with care and openness.
“Don’t impose new loved ones on them,” he says. “Come up with a plan and strategy for how this relationship will work with other parties. Some people think that this is my new girlfriend or my new man, and they should just accept them. But first, focus on what the child wants and needs. “
Parents should also not ask their children questions about the other parent’s personal life unless it is related to the well-being of the child or children.
“We talk with dads about being considerate and careful about what they say around or with the child, which can cloud the relationship,” says Hart. “Therefore, do not ask who they are dating or what they say about them, or blame the other parent for not being able to see the child as often as they want. We do not approve of this type of communication. It may even be facts, but this is not yet information to which the child should be involved. “
Instead of reaching out to new people in children’s lives with honesty or openness, this is sometimes hidden – which means that children may find themselves in an awkward position trying to hide something about new significant others from the other parent. As says Dr. Deborah Surani in the Today sychology P :
While it can be emotionally painful, make sure you and your ex will always keep each other informed of any changes in your life or circumstances that are difficult or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, the primary source of information.
Eliminating the need for children to ever be the source of news of major life changes is beneficial for the dynamics of co-parenting, but above all, beneficial for children.
Understand the impact of the right decision
Having parents who don’t get along with each other – and as a result put their children at the center of their disputes – can have dramatic negative consequences for children. Conversely, parents who tolerate a traumatic event such as divorce or family separation can make a big difference to their children and their understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.
When parents are effectively co-parents, “it definitely boosts their global self-esteem; you see how they light up when that relationship gets stronger, ”says Hart. “We see that the child’s self-esteem is growing, academic performance is growing. The baby is happier when mom and dad get along. Co-parenting is a part that many people struggle with, and it is something that we, as service delivery communities, need to better work on.
“If I can give any advice, it’s not about you, but about the child and what he needs. You must strategically approach plans that are not only favorable to you and be committed to that plan; think about the other side. If I continue to use the child as a weapon, the child will suffer – yes, you can harm the other parent by keeping the child away, but in the long run, the child suffers. ”