How to Maintain a Relationship With a Friend Elsewhere in Life
While it is definitely possible to make friends in adulthood , most of us still have a few friends that we meet in childhood, high school or college, or when we are just starting out. Life inevitably happens, and someone with whom you had so much in common may now be at a completely different stage in their life. Interlocutors turn into responsible parents, people are incredibly involved in their work with no time for anything else, and in some cases, you just drift apart.
If you happened to meet this person now, it is unlikely that you would become friends or even cross paths. But they are not, and you want to keep them in your life, at least to some extent. Here’s what you need to know about how to maintain friendships through life changes and how to know when to leave.
Identify changes
In many cases, the circumstances of the friendship change — not necessarily the very foundation of the friendship. “Many times, with long-term friendships, we have established a rhythm,” Danielle Jackson Bayard , friendship expert and coach and author of Give Him Rest: A Case of Tough Love Friendship , told Well + Good . “We have a lot of practice to be friends in a certain environment, and then you add something new.” Instead of ignoring this new dynamic, discuss it with a friend and talk about how your relationship is developing and where (or if) each of you fit.
Be open and honest with each other.
Instead of assuming that your friend, who now has kids, doesn’t want to hang out anymore, talk to him about it. “Sometimes these perceived inconsistencies [between different stages of life] are perceptions,” Amber Trublad , LMFT, family therapist and author of Stretch Marks , told Well + Good . “Sometimes it leads to a bigger disconnect because we assume and don’t talk about these things, but there is a lot more in common between them than we think.”
This also includes changes in your personality and politics. You and your friend may be at the same stage in life, but have separated over the years and no longer share the same values or interests. In this case, it is important to talk frankly about where you are in the friendship and what each of you wants from it.
Put in the effort
Being friends as an adult is not the same as bumping into each other in the hallway of a high school or college dorm: it takes some planning and effort. This means not only scheduling times for meetings, but the same for making phone or FaceTime calls. As Bayard points out in an article in Well + Good , relying on spontaneous communication is not the best option if both people are busy, because when one person decides to call, it may not be the most convenient time for the other person. , and after a while the friendship will fade away.
Understand that not all friendships need to last forever.
Not all friendships were built to last, and as Lifehacker Deputy Editor Jordan Calhoun observed, some “only lasted one season in your life.” So just because there is someone who has been a close friend in your 20s doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make an effort to keep them in your life for up to 40, if you’ve reached the point where you truly drifted apart. (This is where communication comes into play.) In these situations, it’s also important to know that letting go is okay — not all friendships are a lifelong commitment.