I Am Raising an Anxious Child During a Pandemic and I Am Shocked – Please Help

For many families, the deeper we get into this pandemic, the worse it gets. We like to talk about our “new normal”, but the idea that all of this is close to “normal” can also seem like a cruel joke. The parents are still working and caring for several children (some of whom have additional needs), and they are exhausted – mentally, emotionally and financially exhausted. One such mother turned to us with a request for help:

I have four children, three of them are teenagers. It is difficult at any time, and the state of the world certainly does not make things easier. In the past few months, my 13-year-old daughter (I’ll call her A) has been suffering from severe anxiety. We’ve consulted with experts and hopefully found the help she needs, but she’s still struggling and I’m constantly worried and stressed. Although she plays in school and on her soccer team, it seems like it takes all of her energy. She doesn’t think therapy is helping, she has trouble sleeping, she talks a lot on the phone and eats mostly ice cream, macaroni and cheese.

I understand that I shouldn’t worry about the little things when my child is diagnosed with anxiety during a pandemic, but I feel like all of our house rules are falling out of the window and that affects everyone. She also wants to spend a lot of time together. I’m so grateful that she lets me in and loves to be with her, but my husband and I work full time and have three children (the youngest is 6). I feel guilty about not being able to focus on her, worrying about her and feeling completely exhausted.

I’m worried that we could do even more for A, but now I also realize that I need help. However, I cannot pay for additional therapy. What can I do to make myself feel better?

The weird thing about living and raising children during this pandemic is that it’s so easy to feel isolated, and yet … a lot of parents are reading your letter right now and see something about themselves and their families in it. From Chur f you were worried, and, of course, you’re exhausted, you and your husband both work full time and have a six-year-old and three teenagers, one of whom really struggling right now. Plus the pandemic, politics and everything else. That’s a lot, to put it mildly.

I was struck by your letter because while the stress you feel about your daughter’s mental health and well-being is felt everywhere, your awareness that you also need help is very important. And yet they are intertwined: it is difficult for parents to put themselves first (or even first on the list) when so many other fires are burning at the same time.

I turned to clinical psychologist Dr. Barbara Greenberg about your letter, and the first thing she noted to me is that she sees that your daughter is demonstrating what she calls “the desire for intimacy”, that is, the desire to be around so often with you. … According to Greenberg, if a child wants to be with a parent at all times, your first thought may be that he needs encouragement. But your daughter may really care about you and watch over you .

“My guess is that the mother has a lot of anxiety, and that mood and anxiety are highly contagious,” she says. “I think the baby is picking up the mother’s anxiety.”

So how do you break the cycle of anxiety in the midst of a pandemic and the natural breakdown that you say affects everyone in the home?

Start by rebuilding the structure

It may seem counterintuitive to think that the family now needs a more structured structure at a time when it is easier (or kinder) not to follow the rules and routines. But, according to Greenberg, today, many of the families with whom she works, there is a disruption in the structure of the household, and this can be a problem.

“Where chaos is felt, anxiety grows,” says Greenberg. “What has really helped a number of families [I work with] is setting house rules, expectations and structure – even if written down and put on the refrigerator. Because structure is so important; it is calming. “

If you haven’t already, you can start by sitting down with your husband one-on-one and discussing a schedule to set according to your family’s work, school, and childcare requirements. Then call a family meeting and involve the children in the conversation. Let them contribute to your daily routine, the daily routine you set, and the responsibilities of each family member (because it’s good for everyone – even your six-year-old to take on some jobs in the home).

By creating this schedule or routine, you can also set aside time to be alone with your daughter and other children, as well as time to be alone. This is a daunting task for a working parent of four, but it doesn’t have to be an hourly span. Perhaps you are playing a board game with your youngest one day during your lunch break, and the next day you are out with one of your teenagers (and your husband does the same).

Schedule whatever activities you like with each child so you don’t get scattered so thinly. Stop trying to give yourself to everyone at once, and make sure they know they will receive your undivided attention tonight or tomorrow, if not right now.

And then get the help you need

You mentioned that you cannot afford additional treatment in addition to the therapy you are already giving your daughter. Having to choose which family member receives therapy when more than one person needs it is a truly heartbreaking situation many families now find themselves in. But there may be a way to get the help you need and need.

The first thing I would start looking for help with is talking to your daughter’s therapist about her treatment plan and how effective they thought it was. You wrote that your daughter does not think therapy is helping, although it may be too early to talk about it. Or it might help, but not as quickly as she would like. It might make sense to shorten or alter her sessions in some way to make room for the budget so that you too can get therapy without jeopardizing her leaving. If her therapist understands that this is a priority, she may have suggestions on how to make it work.

However, if you all feel that it is best to stick with your daughter’s treatment – and this may well be the case – her therapist may suggest other options. These options may include locating a clinic in your area that provides a sliding scale service and / or a clinic where you can interact with local graduate students. There may also be other local support groups or services in your area. If you are having trouble talking with your daughter’s therapist, try asking your primary care physician or your children’s pediatrician for suggestions about local options available to you.

Finally, remember that the fact that you are trying to solve this problem at all is a great first step.

“I really like what she said, ‘What can I do to make myself feel better? “, Says Greenberg. “We have to thank her for this question; there should be more people who should ask this question. “

This information is not intended to be used as a substitute for one-to-one consultation with a professional psychologist or other professional healthcare provider.

Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.