Parents Don’t Need to Take Care of Themselves, They Need Help

Even before the outbreak of the pandemic, it became popular to prioritize “self-service”. Parenting podcasts such as One Bad Mother have long discussed the challenges parents (especially mothers) face in finding balance: one of their quirks is “ I am me, ” a fact we should remind ourselves of when we feel something other than me. And if earlier raising children was not difficult enough, the coronavirus came and destroyed that semblance of work-life balance that we managed to achieve for ourselves.

Suddenly, a little happy hour of self-care with your best friend was no longer an option. Even going for a walk with my best friend became risky. You couldn’t get a massage, pedicure, or play golf with your friends. And who had time to lie in the bath for a good long time between their own work and the school work of the children, and then do their own work again, because you are lagging behind in everything?

Then we started to say – half sarcastic, half – that taking a quick walk (alone) around the neighborhood is taking care of yourself. Or driving around town (alone) was taking care of myself. Or locked in the bathroom for five minutes (alone). Simple survival became the only self-care we could show. This dialogue, as Diana Spaulding writes for Motherly , has become all too familiar:

It also occurs to me that I recently joked while sitting in the dentist’s chair. “Are you all right?” the hygienist asked.

“Oh, I’m fine, this looks like a vacation,” I replied.

Is it easier to run around on business, clean the bathroom, or go to the dentist without a baby in tow? You are placing your bet. Are these classes taking breaks? Absolutely not.

We lowered the bar for self-service – we lowered the bar to the ground – because we had to, but more than six months have passed and not much has changed. Parents do not need a little extra self-care every week; they need real help. Not empty reminders to “make time ” for yourself – please skip the oxygen mask cliché, we know that. It’s not that parents don’t want to take care of themselves; the point is that now it may seem impossible without outside help.

This is especially true for parents of young children, children with special needs, and children who study remotely on a full-time basis, especially if these parents are also trying to keep their jobs afloat.

If you are not a parent, or if you are a parent who is not struggling so hard right now because maybe your kids are older, or they go back to school at least part of the time (I fall into this category too), do not offer advice. self-care – offer real help.

Imagine that they are all new parents , returning home from hospital, recovering from the physical pain of having a baby, and adjusting to the psychological and emotional consequences of endless days and sleepless nights. What would you do ? Send food. Pay for a professional cleaning service for their home. Pick up their dirty laundry and return it clean and folded the next day. You can do all of this now, even if (especially if!) Their children are five, three and one years old. Probably, right now, they will give something to the fight against a single newborn; it seems like nothing compared to what they are juggling with now.

Offer help in a safe, socially distanced way that is comfortable for everyone. Take your children to the park several times a week, or watch them as they ride their bicycles down the street. Play a board game over Zoom with them while Mom or Dad are talking in a work conference. Leave meals or groceries. Ask them what they need. Don’t believe them if they say “nothing.” They really need something, they simply do not know how and what to ask.

Just because we’re used to thinking 2020 is a big shit show doesn’t mean that parents are suddenly okay. Yes, they do need self-care and hopefully 2021 will bring them some of that. In the meantime, what they need most is help.