How to Know That You Are an Asshole
Everyone is the hero of their own life story, or at least that’s the enduring dictum , but many of us are concerned that we might secretly end up being villains by creating an extremely active subreddit, ” Am I an asshole?” Here, people turn to a jury of their Internet peers to determine if their questionable behavior is justified or out of bounds. While it is certainly fun to read in the ” gawking at a car crash” style, the forum focuses on individual riddles of dumb behavior rather than laying down basic rules that make it easy to determine if you are an overall dick. Fortunately, there is a much simpler way to do this: it can be used via Twitter user @ANTICHRISTJARED , who heck can’t stop thinking about shopping cart theory:
The anonymously written theory of the shopping cart, the exact origin of which is shrouded in mystery, claims that what you do with a shopping cart in the parking lot of a grocery store greatly influences your personal character. Do you leave it in the parking lot or return it to the trolley pen, saving time for the hapless grocery worker and protecting other people’s cars from damage? There are no extraordinary circumstances that would prevent you from returning the cart, and the only incentive to return is your willingness to abide by a social contract; no one forces you, even if only in order to return your quarter . The theory gives a moral component to the Platonic concept of self-government , that is, the ability of a person or a community to regulate their own behavior so that they can coexist within a functional society. The philosopher John Locke suggested that the capacity for self-government is the source of true freedom. But at the most basic level, as its anonymous creator wonderfully put it, a self-ruling test like the shopping trolley theory can also reveal whether you are a good or bad member of society.
Other vile tests to consider
Of course, shopping cart returns are just one aspect of social life . In fact, everything we do outside the home requires us to adhere to or violate social norms to some extent. Some are obvious – are you keeping a $ 100 bill that someone dropped? Some admit more nuances – what if you found that $ 100, but did not see who dropped it? In addition, there are those restrictions that if you do not comply with them, you are definitely an asshole. Such as the:
Are you littering?
I live in New York, which means I only have to wander around my neighborhood in Brooklyn to find enough evidence that I’m surrounded by assholes because the streets are constantly littered with trash. Yes, we have a city with no lanes, and a lot of people and too few public garbage cans, so garbage is often thrown out onto the street. Yes, we are a city suffering from a homelessness crisis, and I am not suggesting that people who are homeless or food insecure should be primarily concerned with storing paper bags on the street. But it is no coincidence that people leave, say, two half-filled plastic cups of expensive iced coffee on a cement railing, where they will linger until they are finally knocked over and they migrate into the general rubbish heap gathering at the base of the sad Houses. Lonely tree (completely hypothetical example). Legend has it that when designing their theme parks, Walt Disney conducted research that determined that the average person would walk no more than 30 feet before throwing away a piece of rubbish they don’t. I feel like a carrier on the ground. This suggests that an alarming number of people are assholes because there is no acceptable distance beyond which to litter. Can’t find the bank? Take this wrapper home with you. If not, good.
Do you let people off the train before boarding?
Admittedly, this is more of a problem for city dwellers, but it is an example that can be extrapolated to other scenarios, such as holding doors for those exiting a building when you try to enter. In short: if you get on a train without letting the disembarking passengers get off first, you are a jerk. By getting on the train first, you will create bottlenecks that slow down the movement not only for your particular train, but for each train following it, creating obstacles. a cascading effect that can flood the entire system. This is a problem that has plagued the New York City subway for years ; attempts to make it easier include countdown clocks, oral announcements and redesigned trains with wider doors that make boarding easier. But also people can just … not be assholes (this also applies to people who stick their feet in a closing door or try to hold a train for a friend. If you do this and there is no emergency, you are officially sucking.)
Will you curb your dog?
This is perhaps the ultimate test of whether you are an asshole or not. Because no, nobody likes to raise their dog’s warm shit. But I’d rather do it than ever step on someone else’s dog shit. I don’t think I need to say anything here. Curb your damn dog. There are no excuses. No doubt you can think of countless other minor examples of self-directed behavior that we regularly ask of our fellow citizens. And yes, our society is rife with systemic inequalities that show that we are often deeply and unsettlingly incapable of treating our fellow human beings. But these are big and complex problems for which there are no easy answers. You cannot personally guarantee that every American will be treated fairly and fairly by the police, the government, your neighbors. But you can definitely throw your damn McDonald’s bag away.