Eat Chito With Chopsticks

I pulled my hand gracefully out of the bag – one where you can reach out and pull it out without touching the bag itself or any chip other than the one you were aiming for. I enjoyed the slight rush of pride that comes with any minor achievement, and perhaps this is what prompted me to take it one step further and ask for a paper towel to dry my hands instead of licking Chito dust off my fingers.

Both drinking sweet milk after a bowl of cereal and sucking Cheeto dust from your fingers is part of the joy of the craft. But I was cool. And then, in an instant, I felt like a savage when I looked up and saw my beloved friend sitting at the dinner table with a white Cheetos bowl in one hand and chopsticks in the other.

I recall it as if it were happening in slow motion: she pinched the lonely Chito and brought it to her mouth, and my realization that the graceful stretching that I enjoyed so much was the equivalent of a snack in the early anime episodes – I did not even start to open true strength. I could just as well slouch in bed and eat Doritos right on my stomach. Why didn’t I think about it? (For heaven’s sake, I once lived in Japan !) But I decided to redirect my self-loathing towards more constructive evangelism. People need to know, and I’m going to help spread the word, eating Cheetos with chopsticks is the best way.

Let his merits be known! I’m willing to bet that eating Cheetos with chopsticks – or almost any small snack, especially those covered in salt or scented dust – meets the highest standards of tiny craftsmanship. We have already discussed various creative ways to use chopsticks, and this is by far my favorite practice, so much so that I am surprised that this practice is not more widely used.

Recently I wondered if I was the only one late to a party, but it looks like we Americans still use our hands to snack like monsters. Last weekend, I met with one of my friends in my quarantine bubble for a long-awaited movie night. When she asked what snacks I wanted, I immediately went to Cheetos (more precisely, from the Flamin ‘Hot variety), but only on the condition that she had chopsticks on hand. After I arrived, she confessed that although she had Cheetos, she was unable to use the chopsticks, and I was living like Algernon’s equivalent of Flowers to snacks and had to go back to eating with my hands.

So throw your Cheetos into a bowl – Flamin ‘Hot, flaky, crunchy or whatever – grab your chopsticks and feel elegant and cultured as you eat your favorite snack. Do this in slow motion. If you have long hair, let it blow in the wind. Dip it in something simply because (Chito, not loose hair). Put on white gloves. The dust of Cheeto can no longer hold you back. No paper towel needed.

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