A Tampon Is Not a Tricky Dildo and Other Parenting Tips
Puberty is inconvenient for all parties involved. For children, this starts with some build-up as friends begin to reach these biological milestones, followed by the sprouting of new body parts and functions, eventually leading to asking themselves, “Is this normal?” 37 times a day.
And since sex education in this country is, to put it mildly, not very comprehensive , many of these issues fall on parents, who themselves did not receive proper training in this area when they were in school. Basically, this is a cycle of awkwardness associated with basic bodily functions that shouldn’t be taboo in 2020, but here we are.
Unsurprisingly, some parents are better prepared for these kinds of conversations with their mature child than others. Part of it boils down to being more comfortable and familiar with the body parts you have, but as with so many other aspects of life, things don’t always line up clearly when it comes to genital issues. Here are some tips on how to navigate these conversations with children (and how to survive).
But first, what does it look like when something goes wrong
Over the weekend, the man behind the account @AITA_reddit on Twitter (which is not officially associated with subredditom «Am I The Asshole?», But has its content), published a report in which the father asks if he is an asshole because, that his 13-year-old daughter doesn’t want to wear tampons . He seems to think that at 13, she’s not “old enough” to know when to change the blood-soaked cotton cylinder in her vagina.
His wife, who is also their daughter’s tampon salesman, pointed out that his anti-tampon sentiment is misogynistic. The father objects that if he had a son, he would not buy him condoms at 13 either. You may be wondering about this innovative comparison, and don’t worry: we’re getting an explanation for that too. In his own words :
“I know most people don’t think tampons are inherently sexy, but my daughter also asked for contraception during her period, although there are many different pain relievers and I think she uses it as a means of possible sexual activity. … “
There is so much to unpack here, it’s hard to know where to start. First, it looks like dad thinks tampons are tricky dildos, which then gave his daughter the idea that inserting something into her vagina is always a pleasure. What happened next? Once she realizes how much she likes having something inside, naturally, she will want to experiment with other objects, including penises?
But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you are a parent and have not yet experienced puberty in one or more children, this may help.
Know yourself first
If you have a child, you know that over time, he will go through puberty. Prepare for this conversation in advance so that you don’t feel anxious when your child comes up to you with questions, and then use purely euphemistic conversation or start rambling about what you think you might remember from your own lessons on sex education. 20+ years ago. There are many excellent science-based resources for parents, including those from Planned Parenthood , Rutgers University, and the American Sexual Health Association . Use them!
Avoid stigmatizing bodies
This can be challenging, especially for parents whose own sex education is about learning that menstruation is terrible, masturbation is evil and / or makes you blind, and wet dreams indicate a lack of moral character. You have the opportunity to change the way you think about your child in terms of reproductive and sexual health. This is a big deal! Remember how you describe the body’s reproductive and sexual functions (so as not to exacerbate the stigma), and document any stigma-causing myths they have heard.
Remember your gender identity
Not everyone identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth, so keep in mind that the conversations you have with your baby may not be the ones you were preparing for, and that’s okay. Places such as The Campaign for Human Rights , GLSEN, and CDC offer resources on this and how to engage in inclusive sex conversations with LGBTQIA + young people.
Avoid intimidation tactics
In the same vein, try not to scare your child. Yes, this means that inaccurate information about unplanned pregnancies and the effectiveness of contraception should not be used, but that goes beyond that. For example, telling a child who has not yet started menstruating that periods are always painful can make them fearful and anxious about the onset of their period. Sure, many menstruating people suffer from pain, but instead of taking this approach, use it as an opportunity to talk about how menstruation looks and feels different for everyone.
Encourage them to ask questions and learn more
We hate to tell you, but there is no such thing as The Talk (singular). During puberty your child is likely to have a variety of questions and concerns, so make sure they know this is not a one-off situation and they can ask you questions at any time. Also, encourage them to find out more on their own. Sites like Scarleteen and Bedsider (among many others ) are aimed at younger readers, and the format (like being able to learn more about the Navy at 3 a.m.) gives them some degree of autonomy in accessing the information they need.