How Do I Get My Teen to Take the Pandemic Seriously?

Everyone in life has someone who is not serious enough about the pandemic. A friend who invites you constantly to relentless home dinner parties, a neighbor who wears a mask on his chin, a parent who refuses to admit that he is at high risk. But what do you do when you have a weekly (or daily) fight with your own child, especially if it seems like he must be old enough and smart enough to know better?

So one parent wrote to me asking for help:

Last night my 17-year-old son argued with me for hours about leaving for a friend’s dacha with a group of friends. He does not understand the difference between his job in an ice cream shop (where he is the only person, constantly wearing a mask and gloves) and spending four days with eight people in the house.

On another weekend, he seriously suggested taking the subway and train to visit his elderly, infirm grandparents and could not believe that I had a problem with that.

How can I convince him to take the virus seriously? He’s killing me, help!

Dear “He’s killing me”

Since you say you have been arguing for hours, I assume that you have already had many factual conversations with him in which you explained how the virus spreads and what dangers it poses, especially for high-risk groups. how his grandparents, and how we as individuals can help slow that down. So the problem is probably not a lack of information, but rather its handling .

He, like the rest of us, is probably experiencing a lot of difficult emotions right now. I spoke with Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist specializing in adolescents , about your situation, and she said that confusion, fear, and feelings of isolation (or “exclusion”) may be the driving force behind his resistance to it. new way of life. Let’s break these emotions down a bit, starting with confusion.

All in all, I think we’re all a little confused right now. The amount of time I personally spend figuring out whether it’s better for kids to go back to school in the fall or return to virtual learning is overwhelming. I’m stuck in a constant cyclical argument with myself, and this is hell. And we probably simulate this confusion for them in a myriad of ways, with things opening and then closing again, and we’re constantly evaluating whether it’s safe to go to the hardware store, the dentist, or the backyard hangout now. … Risk is a spectrum .

So while we can see how his job in a security ice cream shop is very different from taking the train to visit his at-risk elderly grandparents, it can really be confusing for him. Is serving ice cream more important than visiting family?

“We get such conflicting messages,” Greenberg says. “Riding the subway is awful, but wanting to visit his grandparents is wonderful, so he is confused.”

He may also be a little scared even if he doesn’t show it. He may fear the virus itself, or how the pandemic might wreak havoc on his social life and his friendships. Teens are already susceptible to peer pressure and are often driven by a deep need to be included. So what if seven of his friends are allowed to go on a trip and he is not? It is difficult to agree with this, no matter how many times you talk about drops.

Greenberg suggests one thing you can try is taking a “family team” approach with him. We all know (or should all know) that the way we act in the world right now is not only about protecting ourselves; this also applies to the protection of those with whom we come in contact. You try to protect yourself, but also your children, partner and parents. Try to involve him in the concept of the family, as a whole, protecting each other. The thought that he can help protect you and his grandparents may give him a little more responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

But, well, like his mom, he probably also resists a little what you say anyway.

“At this age, no one really wants to follow their parents’ instructions,” says Greenberg. “Is there anyone else who could sit down and teach him this? Because when it comes from her, he is kind of immune to it. “

Greenberg offers to enlist the help of another adult he looks up to – an aunt or uncle, a family friend, a coach, or even his pediatrician. Someone else may be able to overcome the logical barrier they pose when they talk to you. And whoever he talks to, be it you or another trusted adult, must admit how difficult it is and ask him how he is feeling.

According to Greenberg, if he still resists after you made sure he has all the information, acknowledged his feelings, tried to create the feeling in the family that we are-in-this-together, and someone else tried with him contact. ultimately you have to stick with what you think is right here – even if that means he is mad at you for it.

Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.