How Do I Get to My Fired Teenager?

Teens have a reputation for being a little cranky or withdrawn, especially with their parents. In adolescence, there should be a fair amount of rolling your eyes and slamming the door in front of ignorant, pesky parents. This is a rite of passage; what is happening around, going around, etc. But what do you do when it seems that your child is almost completely removed from the family and wants almost nothing to have with you?

This is a question that one father wrote in Parental Advisory:

I need advice on what to do with my 14 year old daughter. There is something to unpack. Overall, she is a great cool kid, very smart, athletic and personable. However, when it comes to me and (to a lesser extent) my wife, she is difficult to deal with. She probably spends 18-20 hours a day in her room with the door closed, playing Fortnite and following social media, and only comes out to chat with us occasionally (and usually after much persuasion). She is only reluctant to take school assignments (her grades are pretty good because she mostly attended G&T classes), but she is not worried about working on a soccer game; She’s also pretty good at soccer and I tried to get her to the message that I only want her to work hard on what she decided to do, I’m less interested in the results than in the effort. She loves being around her teammates, but that’s about it.

She is almost always grumpy, especially when we ask her to work. She asks deliberately provocative questions (for example, “Can I get pierced? Can I become a Satanist?” when we say no to her, she returns to her “old self.” She told my wife that she was gay and had a girlfriend, but she didn’t “open up” to me, and I don’t know why, I would not mind that.

Last year we convinced her to go to therapy, but after one introductory session, she categorically refused to return (because she claims that she doesn’t like the therapist, but when we suggested finding another therapist, she still didn’t want to do it), and when I asked my wife to nudge her into revising (because my daughter and therapist admitted she had clear signs of depression and anxiety), my wife conveniently forgets to ask.

In general, due to her capricious behavior, it is difficult to be around her. Can you suggest a way to improve her behavior and our relationship? Because most of the time she looks at me with extreme contempt, and I hope this is not a new phenomenon. I have an older daughter, so I know teenagers are often that way, but her situation seems different and more stressful than that of my older daughter.

Sincerely,

Not sure what to do

Dear “Not sure what to do”

I can feel your frustration and anxiety throughout your letter. Your daughter is detached from you and constantly behaves unpleasantly. She asks shocking questions. She may be struggling with anxiety and / or depression, but she doesn’t want to see a therapist or spend more time with you. You love your daughter, you want a better relationship with her, and you want her to be happy and healthy, but she seems to be shut out from herself. And she has. Because she is very angry with you.

It was a strong reaction from Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist specializing in adolescent care , when I shared your letter with her for her expert advice. “There’s clearly a lot of anger here,” Greenberg told me. “There are many ways to avoid, and when there is a lot of avoidance, it is usually synonymous with intense anger.”

Greenberg invites you to start with two questions: What is she avoiding? And what does she want you and your wife to know, understand, and accept about her? She notes that anger is not always bad and should not be ignored or avoided. There is something that needs to be said right now that is not being said.

“I guess she’s assuming they don’t know anything about her life,” she says. “And kids don’t want their parents to be ignorant. I guess she wants to talk, she has something to say, but they don’t talk; everyone avoids each other. “

In many ways, your daughter is actually trying to get your attention. She probably already knows your answer to the question “Can I get pierced?” and can you guess your answer to “Can I become a Satanist?” She’s poisoning you. And she may feel comfortable doing it because she now has too much control and not enough constraints. You hate that she locks herself in her room most of the day, plays video games and browses social media, but that doesn’t seem like you’ve put any restrictions on it. This is a good place to start.

“There is no limitation, and she can interpret this as a lack of care,” says Greenberg. “She has too much control and the kids don’t want that kind of control … they don’t like it.”

Will she get angry when you react to her behavior by setting additional restrictions? Yes. Yes she will. But then again, the anger is already there, it just boils under the surface. You see it every time she looks at you. And it’s okay for her to get angry and voice her anger.

You write in your letter that you would like to “improve her behavior and improve our relationship.” This means that she is a problem that needs to be fixed. That if we can fix her behavior, the relationship will improve. But the opposite is also true: if you want to fix her behavior, you must fix the relationship. And not only her relationship with you, but the relationship between the whole family. Greenberg invites everyone to go through family therapy together.

If you also want to find her own therapist, that’s okay too. But this time, try to involve her in the selection process. Research potential options online together. Let her pick a few people to interview, and then let her pick the person she interacts with the most. This can certainly be helpful; but for now, Greenberg says, the need for family therapy is more pressing.

And finally, you mention smaller things like her lack of interest in working on her football skills, her moodiness around the house, or her reluctance to do her homework. Put these things aside for now. Even the – much more important – fact that she seemed to your wife (but not you) to be gay and did not tell you about her girlfriend.

“Family problems need to be solved first,” Greenberg says, “and then everything else.”

Do you have a parental dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.