Is Your Child Misbehaving or Just Sad?

This looks like another argument between siblings. Or stamping feet followed by a slamming door. It sounds like loud voices and a challenge, or those two particularly whiny words that parents everywhere love: ” I’m bored.” It sounds different, but it can actually be sad.

No wonder our children can be sad now. They have something to be sad about – school was canceled, their sports and events were canceled, Friday dinners at grandparents were canceled … it seems their whole world has been canceled. But sadness, especially in children, can be disguised as other emotions.

“It’s really important for parents to remember that sadness looks very different in children than in adults,” says Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating adolescents .

According to Greenberg, while sadness in children often looks just like old sadness, it can also look like this:

• Anger
• Disobedience
• Disappointment
• Lack of motivation
• Difficulty sleeping
• Appetite increases or decreases
• Boredom

“Boredom is a red flag word,” says Greenberg. “Children often use the word boredom when they really mean that they are sad.”

Unfortunately, it is one thing to know that our children really need our patience and support right now, and quite another to give it when we ourselves feel overwhelmed by any financial and emotional burden.

Child and adolescent psychotherapist and parenting educator Katie Hurley writes for the Washington Post that parents can start by caring for their physical and emotional needs and then develop a plan for when they inevitably lose their patience anyway:

Parents can come up with a cue and plan to implement when using it to give themselves the emotional space to work through stress and frustration. One hand in the air, for example, might mean “Take 5,” telling children to set a timer for five minutes of coloring, listening to music, yoga, or other quiet activities while parents do their own calming activities.

Be tuned in to them

Children need to constantly feel like they are being seen and heard, but perhaps especially right now. They need to be able to talk about how they are feeling and know that their parents understand that this is a difficult time for them. Dr. Erin Leiba, a therapist and author, writes for Psychology Today that this is sometimes referred to as a “waiting space”:

“Keeping free space” means supporting someone without trying to cheer them up, without telling them how good they have it, giving advice or discouraging them from how they feel. This includes listening with an open heart and staying grounded and compassionate when someone shares deep and unpleasant emotions.

And Greenberg says you can relax a little now.

“If your child is acting a little defiant, now is not the best time to cut back on screen time [as punishment],” she says. “You may have expectations of your children, but maybe you can relax a little too.”

Give them an extra role in the family

My own nine-year-old son asked me the other day if he could learn to cook for the family himself. “Sometimes you cook, and sometimes your dad does,” he told me. “I need to make a turn too.” Greenberg notes that he was looking for a different role in the family – and parents can help with this right now.

“I talk to all the parents [I work with] about giving my kids an additional role in the family,” says Greenberg, who conducted virtual sessions with her clients during the pandemic. “We all need to feel relevant, and I always firmly support that – when we don’t feel relevant, we can get really depressed.”

This additional role can be more responsibility of caring for pets, helping younger siblings with distance learning, or planning family activities – anything that helps them contribute to a larger family unit and that they are likely to enjoy or be proud of. …

Teach empathy

If you’ve ever looked for the perfect moment to learn from empathy, this is it. It might look as if your kids helped you deliver soup to an elderly neighbor (and then rang the doorbell and backed up six feet to keep them safe). They can draw pictures or chalk messages for their neighborhood or make postcards to send to their local aged care facility.

Teaching empathy is n’t like showing how much harder it can be for other kids right now, Greenberg said. You may not be in the same financial situation as other families, or in such dire circumstances, but it is really useless to point this out.

“It negates how your kids are feeling,” she says.

And keep in mind that they can be reduced

Even for kids who were excited at the prospect of school closings (it’s like one big, long snowy day! Extended Spring Break! Early Summer Break!), The novelty is probably out of date. What looked like a hiatus at first now seems endless and looks more like you’re trapped. They can also be overwhelmed by any additional technology they were suddenly allowed to use, Greenberg said.

“I think some kids might have too many virtual interactions,” says Greenberg. “They don’t have to answer every Zoom call.”

Whenever possible, let them choose which calls they would like to answer. Just because Billy wants to zoom in at 4:00 pm and Sofia wants to use FaceTime at 5:00 pm doesn’t mean they should. And if all the conversations with classmates are optional and they want to skip the day, let them. They may really need a break from the sudden influx of online communication.

Finally, Greenberg suggests, take time to play with your kids, watch silly videos together, or do something fun, but your family loves to socialize and laugh together the most.

“Just because times are tough,” she says, “doesn’t mean you can’t play.”