Use a Squeeze Bottle As a DIY Bidet

I don’t know about you, but I’m running out of toilet paper. I have only two buns in my closet, and only empty shelves in my local grocery store. Not there was no toilet paper when I last visited a grocery store in person two weeks ago, and this week, when I put in the online – order, which gives me the opportunity to ask any available point to a certain category, there were no products available in the toilet paper category.

This means it’s time to get creative. There is no bidet in my toilet, but I am familiar with the general concept and have used water exclusively in the past (when I was in graduate school, I spent a semester teaching Shakespeare at the University of Hyderabad in India), so I knew that all I really needed was a good way to target a moderately powerful stream of water to my lower areas.

Enter the bike bottle. Soft look with nozzle on top so you can squeeze a stream of water right into your mouth while riding. It turns out that you can direct this stream of water to several other parts of the body – and it really works. You may need to bend and move the bottle a little to get the exact angle between you and the bottle, but you can work out this part yourself.

Then just do what you could do if you were using a standard bidet: wash in all the right places, sit over the toilet until it stops dripping, use a tiny piece of toilet paper to wipe dry if you really want to (I didn’t, trying to save some toilet paper for a real emergency) and get back to my day. In some cases, you won’t even need to flush the toilet afterwards, but you will need to wash your hands. Every time.

If you don’t have a bicycle bottle, you may have another type of squeezed bottle that will work – and, again, I trust you will figure this part out on your own. To answer another question, I know that you are secretly worried: if you have a toilet that cannot be cleaned with one jet of water, you can always take a shower. (Some of us do this anyway, after those special toilet experiences that even toilet paper can’t handle.)

And no, I will probably never drink from that bicycle bottle again, even after the toilet paper supply is back to normal. But at least now he serves me well, if not entirely for its intended purpose.

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