Communicate With Your Children by Speaking Their “love Language”
The concept of five love languages is probably not new to you. The idea is that we all give and receive love in different ways – and these different ways tend to fall into five different categories. When we get confused and disconnected, especially from a romantic partner, it is when we give love with our tongue and they receive love in a different way. You think showering them with gifts will make them feel warm and fuzzy, but meanwhile they are like, ” If she really loved me, she would give me more time .”
While identifying and learning love languages is a good idea for you and your partner, Brit Cowgill of Lucie’s List writes that it can be incredibly helpful to know your child’s love language as well. Here’s what she says about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages in Children :
According to Chapman, parenting is truly a project to meet a child’s need for love. When you fill your child’s proverbial “emotional reservoir,” by speaking in their love language rather than your own, you are setting them up for success: “A child with a full reservoir of love can respond to parental guidance without offense.”
How to define your love language
First, to refresh your memory, five languages:
- Words of approval
- Service certificates
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
If you are not sure which love language your child speaks best, and he is over 9 years old, you can ask him to take an online test to find out. There are instructions with tests on how to approach this and make it fun, depending on the age of the child. (While you’re there, you can grab one too.)
If they are in the 5 to 8 age group, a quiz is not the best option because they cannot accurately express their love language; Instead, the 5 Love Languages site offers the following tips :
Ask him or her to draw or name several ways parents love their children. You should try not to direct their pictures or responses, limit their responses, or demand more responses than what he or she is willing to give at the time you ask.
Depending on the child’s attention and the time of day, you may get many or very few answers. If this seems slow, then you can secretly research the topic of love with your child for a week or so until you can conclude what he or she perceives as love. You may find yourself reading books or watching programs with your child and asking the question, “How do you know that mom or dad loves this little boy or little girl?” Or, you can deliberately experiment by expressing love in each of the 5 ways throughout the week. This will be a subjective judgment, but a combination of all of these suggestions – examining your child’s responses or drawings, listening to their responses about other parents and children, and “measuring” their reactions to your expression in each of the five love languages - should be enough to help you accurately identify your child’s primary love language.
And if they’re under five, they probably haven’t developed fluency in any particular love language yet. Just in case, just give them all the love by all means.
Identifying your child’s love language can help you find small ways to individually show additional affection for your child. Cowgill has put together a number of great ideas for us from each of the five languages: physical touch , words of confirmation , quality time , acts of service, and gifts . (These last two are especially helpful in understanding how to speak this language without doing it all for them or pampering your child as hard as you can.)
It is also helpful to know that whichever love language they speak, they are more likely to take offense in that language. Roughly grabbing a child’s hand is not good, but for a child whose love language is physical touch, it is more destructive. And overly critical words or a harsh tone of voice will inflict deeper pain in a child whose love language is words of affirmation.
Finally, keep in mind: even if your child is fluent in one or two languages, this does not mean that you should completely abandon other languages; “Quality time” may be their preferred language, but everyone needs a hug from time to time.