How to Talk to Teens About Sexual Abuse
Sending kids to college is a serious parenting rite; it can also be intimidating. Suddenly, instead of seeing them every day, you don’t know where they are, what they are doing, or who they are with. In particular, parents of teenage girls worry about their safety at a time when the #MeToo movement has made it all too clear that sexual violence against young women is widespread and very often goes unnoticed.
We can teach our daughters never to lose sight of their drink, stick with other girlfriends, and walk through dark parking lots with keys sticking between their fingers for protection. But, according to Nicole Bedera, a social science PhD student at the University of Michigan, on Twitter , none of this guarantees her safety: “Victims don’t ’cause’ rape, which means they can’t prevent it either.”
But Bedera has suggestions for how parents can tackle the topic of sexual abuse with their teenage daughters:
Develop a non-judgmental relationship with your daughter
You don’t want your daughter to be a victim of sexual assault. But if that happens, you really want her to feel like she can tell you without fear of judgment, blame, or emotional overreaction on your part. Bedera says parents can work to prove in advance that they can be trusted in the following situations:
As part of this, give up lectures on risk reduction techniques. The parents who taught their daughters not to drink too much or go outside after dark are the parents my members least want to talk about about their attacks.
The Cleveland Rape Crisis Center suggests using phrases such as “If someone has ever hurt you, or someone has ever hurt you, you can talk to me” rather than “If someone ever “Either hurt you, I’m going to _______ them.”
Work proactively to reduce self-blame
Bedera says the new technique, which aims to empower feminists rather than advice to prevent rape, is having an impact on helping girls and young women wean themselves from traditional female gender norms (such as continuing to talk to the man they don’t like it, just to “be” polite. ”) And she says there are ways to bring these lessons into the home, especially in the dynamics of the relationship between a daughter and her father.
Let your daughters take their father away from time to time. Let them doubt his authority. Let them speak back. Let them leave the room in the middle of an argument.
Build a father-daughter relationship that teaches her that she is equal to men. That she has the right to set her own boundaries and respect them.
It diminishes self-blame, Bedera says, because these women know they don’t deserve what happened to them; they deserve better treatment.
Hold the college of your child’s choice accountable
Before your teen decides to go to college, make it a top priority to understand what their administration is doing to prevent sexual abuse on campus. Bedera advises asking the following questions to university leaders:
- How is sexual assault prevented and responded on campus?
- How are fraternities regulated?
- What preventive training does the football team have?
- What is the percentage of expulsion in Title IX cases?
- What resources are available to survivors?
- How are these resources funded and are there plans to increase them?
- How are professors trained to support survivors in their classrooms?
- Then ask the victim advocacy office and offer them more space.
Also, Bedera says, when you and your daughter research the topic, keep in mind that she may have already been a victim of sexual assault. “You may not be able to become an expert on sexual assault in this conversation, ” she says . “Your daughter can be the one who teaches you.”
Teach Your Sons to Consent
To the extent that society focuses on what girls can do to reduce the risk of being sexually abused, it is vital – IMPORTANT – that boys’ parents discuss consent and also model what consent looks like from the beginning. young age .
Andrew Smiler, a licensed psychologist specializing in masculinity, tells the Washington Post that simply saying “no is no” to teens is oversimplified, but it’s also unrealistic to ask teen couples to ask “yes” or “no” every time they progress. step.
Smiler encourages teenagers to move slowly. He tells teenage boys, “When you are with a girl, wait three seconds before putting your hand anywhere.” See if she reciprocates. If she waves it off, you stop. If she says no, you stop. If you don’t get an answer or the girl freezes, you need to stop and ask her directly what she wants.
Such detailed instructions are essential for teaching a teenage boy to consent, he said.
Teach boys and girls to intervene
Finally, when talking to teens about sexual abuse, be sure to include conversations about the importance of witness intervention. RAINN has tips for teens on when and how to intervene if you see someone at risk:
The key to keeping your friends safe is learning how to intervene to suit the situation and your comfort level. Having this knowledge will give you the confidence to step in when something is wrong. Intervention can be critical, but it should never compromise your safety.
RAINN advises teens to intervene:
- Create distraction . Interrupt the conversation to distract attention, or rally people (including someone at risk) for a new activity or play.
- Asking directly. If someone seems unsafe, you can directly ask them, “Are you okay?” “Who did you come here with?” or “Do you need help?”
- Attracting an authority figure. You can certainly call 911 if the situation calls for it, but you can also talk to another authority figure in the place, such as a security guard, bartender, manager, or host, to intervene.
- Asking others for help. If you think you must step in but feel fearful, remember that safety is in numbers. Ask someone else – perhaps a friend of the person you are worried about – to intervene with or for you.
RAINN offers a free, confidential sexual assault hotline ; Call (800) 656-HOPE (4673) to contact a trained sexual assault provider in your area.