How Do You Help a Young Child Overcome Fear of Others?
We all have stories about this neighbor. Someone who never mows the grass. Someone who never cleans up after their dog. Someone who plays video games – with sound amplified by a subwoofer – in the middle of the night, right by the wall of your dormitory.
They all vary in level of irritation and may or may not prompt you to take action; but what if your child’s behavior scared your child so much that they are now afraid to play outside? Here’s a question for parents this week:
Dear parental counselor,
The new neighbor moved into two houses downstairs, experiencing an incredibly difficult separation from his wife. During the first few weeks, when his wife came to pick up her children, it turned into a blazing street clamor more than once, in which the police eventually became involved. This was about six months ago. He still lives there, but keeps aloof, does not go out, like the children.
My 3-year-old is afraid of the “screaming man” he has only heard but has never seen himself. He is worried that this man may shout at him or use “harsh words” about him. He wants to know why a screaming man lives on our street, and he always asks if this person will enter the house and steal his favorite piece of jewelry. My wife and I have repeatedly and patiently explained that this man (we do not even know his name) is not angry with our family and that he does not go out and does not even know us. It was a long time ago; it was hard for him. A man doesn’t need his nice clothes. It’s a safe dead end street, all his friends are playing outside and no one is yelling at them. We talked about all the neighbors our son can go to if something happens and he cannot find us, and how the police will help in case of serious danger. He seems to understand, but after a few days, the anxiety returns again.
How can I deal with this? I said everything I could think of. I don’t know the “screaming man” from Adam’s house cat, so I don’t think I’m knocking on his door and saying, “Six months ago, you scared the hell out of our little one; can you show him that you are not a monster? ” maybe. I’m afraid this has turned into an anxiety problem. This weekend our son refused to go to a public caroling party with his friends in case the guy was there.
– Out of ideas
Dear Out of Ideas,
Boy Screaming Man really knows how to impress his new neighbors, doesn’t he? It pains me to imagine your three-year-old being afraid of some loud, faceless man who might come and steal his plush dress. But there is two good news: your son’s reaction makes sense from a developmental standpoint, and you are on the right track in how you deal with it. You just need to take it one step further.
Shelley Dry, pediatric therapist and director of clinical operations at Enable My Child , tells me that at the age of three, children tend to become afraid of all sorts of things, like monsters under the bed or the dark.
“And in this case, the child has a really real reason for his fear,” says Dry. “He had this traumatic experience and is having a hard time coping with it.”
In other words, it’s more than monsters or darkness, it’s a fear that arose not only from his own imagination, but also from a real traumatic experience that is now exacerbated by what he imagines what the screaming person can do next. I agree that knocking on this person’s door is not an option; There are many ways that can backfire. On the contrary, what your son needs is what any of us needs when we are afraid; he needs to take back control.
At the age of three, he is unlikely to be convinced that a screaming man does not pose a threat to him. Even though he is old enough to understand what you are saying, the fear of the trauma he has experienced is stronger than your logic. But instead, you started to find fault with what he really needs – solutions or strategies to deal with the screaming man if he starts screaming again.
You talked to him about which neighbors are safe neighbors that he can go to, but try to sit down with him and really flesh out what actions he can take if he meets this person and gets scared. These should be the things that he particularly enjoys, says Dry, and given his age, you will need to chat and brainstorm with him.
“It has to be things that make him feel comfortable,” she says. “I can go and sit with my favorite blanket, I can swing with my mom, I can put on headphones and listen to music” are these types of coping strategies. ”
This approach is actually similar to how parents often treat monsters under the bed. We know the monsters are not real. We know there is nothing to be afraid of. And we can tell them this, but they will still be afraid. But if we come up with a strategy (covering the edge of the bed with protective plushies or applying “monster spray” to all scary angles), they are more likely to calm down. We confirmed their fears and gave them some control back.
Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advisory” in the subject line, and I’ll try to answer them here.