What Do You Do When Your Little Child Uses the N-Word?
Sometimes parents want them to be able to end a conversation with their children. Big talk can hit us in the face when we least expect it. This week a parent question was asked by a parent of a child who, at age 6, first heard and subsequently used the N-word. But did they do it in the best way?
They write:
My son (when he was 6) heard the N-word on YouTube. The gamer used it to gently chide one of the Sonic the Hedgehog characters (and we don’t watch that guy’s channel anymore). He immediately repeated it. I got scared, and we had to talk for a long time about why you do not use this word. Is always. But he found it difficult to understand why this word is so much worse than other words. For example, a few weeks later we walked into a fast food restaurant where he said loudly, “Why don’t we use the N-word?” and everyone turned to look at me.
How was I supposed to navigate this?
Dear parent,
The fact that your son was still pondering this a few weeks later is a testament to his genuine confusion. And it might have something to do with the reaction he got from you when he first used it. I don’t know exactly what you said, but you used the phrase “pissed off”, so I guess he was caught off guard by the overreaction. Your message could get lost in the heat of emotion.
You certainly don’t want your child to grow out of a person who will use the N-word. But for him at that moment it really was just another word – especially if he heard it said in a tone that you thought was gentle. He could not understand its meaning the way you do, because he did not have the context that you have. So he needs context.
I reached out to Neil Lester , Founding Director of the Humanities Project at Arizona State University, to ask for his opinion. Lester has devoted his career to researching, writing, and teaching a wide range of African American literature, culture, and other race-related topics, including the N-word.
“It’s less, ‘You’re not using that word,’ and more, ‘That’s what’s problematic about this word,’” says Lester. “That means you have to talk about race.”
The problem, Lester said, is just to emphasize that this is a word we never use, is that you can inadvertently encourage the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. Now, with such a widespread response, you risk making the word harsh instead of successfully explaining why its use is so offensive.
You asked how you needed to navigate this, and ideally I would say that you would have already talked to your son about race before he got acquainted with the N-word. This will include age-appropriate talk about slavery and the civil rights movement – by age 6, children of any race can understand the inherent injustice of discrimination. Find timely reasons to address this topic – explain the reason the protests are being covered in the news, or discuss (and expand on) what they are learning about black history in school.
If you were already talking to your son about race relations and discrimination in the US before he heard the N-word, this would be another opportunity to build on your previous conversations. That’s when you would stop a YouTube video and say, “Wow, I just heard one word that I don’t like. Do you know what that means? Let me explain why we don’t use this word; remember when we talked about …? “
But since it doesn’t sound like that the first time, Lester suggests that you do now, which is to prepare yourself to be able to talk about race with him more effectively. He says it’s also important to “self-assess” your feelings about race so that you can feel comfortable talking about the topic.
“I don’t know I’ll just bring it up,” he says, “but she needs to equip herself with some tools to have an age-appropriate conversation with him (in the future).”
A good place to start is Lester’s article on Teaching Tolerance, The N-Word: Connected through Historical Disconnect? As well as the interview with him about the history and use of the word.
Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advisory” in the subject line, and I’ll try to answer them here.