How to Survive the Holidays After a Loss
When you are dealing with a major loss, it tends to affect most aspects of your life, whether you realize it or not. Surely you expect to feel a prick of sadness the first time you come to their house after they die, or when you get excited about something and pick up the phone to call them, only to remember that they are no longer going to pick up – but in in other cases, grief may be subtle.
Grief can also be downright cruel. The holiday season is a perfect example of this, with its forced festivities and pressure to put on a happy face and spread its nonexistent mood. Loss survivors may also feel stuck between two extremes at this time of year: the inevitable forced joy of the season and the pain, stress and burden of grief, ”said Dr. Melissa Flint , a clinical physician. tells Lifehacker a mountain psychologist and assistant professor at Midwestern University. “Balancing these two polar opposite feelings can make us feel completely out of control,” she explains.
Not only that, but we must remember that grief is much broader than just the physical death of a loved one. “People can be sad about different losses: health, dreams, our companion animals, what a pension should be like, separation from friends and / or family, loved ones who are far away and cannot be together on holidays, etc. much more, ”says Flint.
Of course, every loss is different, and so is the way people grieve, so there is no one-size-fits-all coping strategy. And honestly, no matter how prepared you are and how well you seem to be doing, it won’t be easy. That being said, here are some tips and resources that might come in handy over the next few weeks.
Come up with a plan
Part of what is so frustrating about grief is that it’s not something that you can actually control. You will never guess what will trigger it – a family recipe or a special decoration – and the holidays are a minefield of memories, traditions and communication with friends and family, whom you can see only once a year. But what we can do is make a plan ahead of time in which we take into account aspects of the holidays that can be particularly difficult, as well as who or what might provide some level of comfort.
Since my mother died three months ago, I have been working with a grief consultant at the Western Wildlife Sanctuary Hospice in Cleveland, Ohio, and one aspect of this has involved developing a strategy for coping with the holidays. They have provided some helpful resources, including a personal vacation plan that addresses some of the potential issues ahead of time and indicates who you can contact if / when you need support:
I predict that the hardest parts of the holiday season for me will be: 1.2.3.
My support people (those who hear my grief): 1.2.3.4.
The most difficult people can be: 1.2.3.4.
The triggers of my grief can be: 1.2.3.
It would be useful for me to hear the following words: 1.2.3.
Last year (or years), before my loss, I celebrated the holidays:
This year I want to include the following traditions in my holiday:
Determine which traditions you want to continue and / or skip
Traditions can be a great way to incorporate someone’s memories into your holiday, but sometimes they can also be a trigger and make you really, really miss someone who is not there. Again, instead of being caught off guard at the moment, it can be helpful to go through your family’s list of traditions to see which ones you really want to do this year.
Here is another worksheet I got from the Western Reserve Hospice that contains lists of traditions, including food, shopping, decorations, and music, with instructions on how to mark the ones you traditionally do each year with a “T” and the ones you would like to do this year the letter “W.” Share it with your friends and family and then compare notes. This will help ensure that everyone is on the same page, or at least aware of aspects of the holidays that others might want to avoid. So you don’t all suffer from watching A Charlie Brown Christmas if no one wants it in the first place, but you do it because they think it will make everyone else happy. No one should see this sad tree under duress.
Know your rights
Remember, you don’t have to be funny to anyone. If you need to selectively participate in the outing this year, do so. If you think that you will like a family tradition, but in the end it makes you very sad, you have the right to skip it. These sentiments are drawn from the Griever Holiday Bill of Rights, written by Bruce Conley , founder of Conley Outreach Community Services .
You don’t have to print it out and hang it on the fridge for everyone to see (although if you think it helps, do it), just read everything you have a right to feel, even if conflicting, can be confirmed. For example, Conley reminds us that we have the right to have fun while on vacation. Even if we are sad and sad, we shouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying ourselves if that’s what ultimately happens.
Retain the memory of a loved one (if that’s what you want to do)
Even if the holidays are especially painful when you are grieving, there is still something you can do to honor the memory of the person you lost. Flint suggests doing something anonymously on their behalf to preserve their memory. “One of the hardest things about death is the uncontrollable nature of events,” she explains. “This is one of the little ways to take back control of the grief process.” It also gives you the freedom to decide how to preserve the memory of the person you lost, whether it be an accidental act of kindness, paying someone else’s grocery bill, or making an extra donation for a cause that was important to them.
Always remember that what works for one person may upset someone else, so be as careful as possible about it. And amid all the tinsel, lights, and happy faces of this season, knowing that you are not alone in grief this time of year can help a little.