How Do You Get Your Child to Stop Hitting at School?
I suspect that a lot of parents have faced the question this week for parents: what do you do when your kindergarten or first grader struggles with impulse control, is physically aggressive towards other students, and the school is tired of it?
“Perplexed” writes:
I have two wonderful children. My daughter is three years old and my son is six. My son is one of the younger first grade students and we are facing some behavior problems. Overall, he has good intentions. He is cute. And clever. Likes to read and do mathematics. What we struggle with is impulse control, primarily with regard to keeping our hands to ourselves.
He REALLY had a hard time in kindergarten. But it was mostly the madness of a five-year-old. Last year, he had a behavior chart where he got emojis or frowns depending on how he did it in each period. By the end of the year, the novelty has lost its charm. He got into trouble for things that I thought were small things. How to play with the water in the bathroom sink. Or leave a hole in the line in the hallway. I approached his teacher to offer more positive reinforcement, and was refused: “He knows what is good and what is bad.” He was defeated and no longer made much effort to behave. I was glad to leave kindergarten.
However, the first class was EXCELLENT. He studied and returned home with nice notes from his teacher about how good he was. And then, right before the fall break, something happened, and I still can’t figure it out. We had a two-week stretch when he came home almost every day “red” for hitting someone. Most of these incidents were such as deliberately bumping into friends in the cafeteria, hitting a friend on the back in the lunch line … annoyance, yes. Malicious, no. Then one day he punched someone in the face and got (suspension). I was shocked. These incidents are usually unprovoked. The guy he hit just beat my son up some stairs. The next incident will result in suspension. When I ask him what the hell is going on, he can’t find the words to explain it to me. He just tells me that he is very sorry. He did not want. This will not happen again. But of course it is.
He’s very good at structured settings. His problems happen during recess and lunch. We lack things to try to change his behavior. They took the toys. Throwing toys in the bin. They kept him at home from special events. We are discussing alternative solutions to his choice. We’re talking about how to refocus and calm down when we get too silly. We started using a “Zone” diagram (as advised by the consultant) so that he could recognize when he was on the wrong track. We practice these things on a daily basis. We LOVE his praise when he does good deeds, and we give him special privileges and treats when he does good things. There was talk about being evaluated or examined by a psychologist. It hurts my heart. I don’t believe ADD or any learning disabilities play a role. He is very good at remembering information and may well focus on his school work or whatever he is asked to do at home.
I don’t understand how to proceed. Personally, I don’t feel like he needs a doctor. I would chalk it up to immaturity. He does not turn 7 years old until the end of the first grade. But he cannot hit other children. I know it. And I feel that the school is losing patience with us.
Sincerely,
At a loss
Expensive at a loss
Your son is struggling with impulsive control, as I know, you already know. Because … he’s six. His kindergarten teacher may have been right when they said, “He knows what is good and what is bad,” at least in a broad sense. But knowledge doesn’t seem to be the problem here. He tries to control the reaction. Therefore, he cannot explain why he did this. He doesn’t know why he can’t control his reaction. (Because six again.)
The point is, it’s normal for him to feel frustrated when his friend knocked him down the top of the stairs. We all feel frustrated, annoyed, angry, or even furious from time to time. What comes next – controlling the urge to act physically or verbally – is a skill we had to learn. And one of the places where we learned it the most was the school where kids practice these social skills on a daily basis.
Maureen Healy, Child Emotional Health Specialist and Author of The Emotionally Healthy Child; “By helping children to calm, focus and make more reasonable choices” , tell me a bit more bluntly: “I do not know where we got the idea in society that six years old children should automatically make this a brilliant choice”, – she says. me. “They go to school so that children can receive the social and emotional education they need to [resolve conflicts in healthy ways].”
So far, it looks like you have mostly been trying to correct behavior – the result of a lack of impulse control – through a variety of disciplinary tactics, such as clearing things / events or tracking behavior with a diagram. And while this can reinforce “right or wrong” or “acceptable or unacceptable,” in his mind, what he doesn’t do helps him build up these impulse control muscles. It’s like treating a symptom, not a cause.
How do you help him manage impulses? Discussing alternative solutions and talking about how to change focus, how you did it, is a good start. But he also needs a lot of practice in this. There are several different approaches here that you might find helpful, and you might also consider introducing a daily mindfulness practice that he can use to help him slow down when he is upset.
Healy also says that she strongly believes in what she calls the “third voice.” The first voice is the voice of the parents, the second is the voice of their peers, and the third voice can be the voice of a trusted coach or teacher; this person must have a positive adult influence other than the child’s parent or primary caregiver. I cannot tell from your letter whether this person could have been your son’s first-class teacher. You mention that he is in one incident of dropping out of school, which may be school policy, but I’m not sure if you see this teacher as an ally in helping your son learn to control his impulses.
In any case, I suggest that we sit down with his teacher and school counselor to discuss his behavior and mindfulness skills that he practices at home so that they can reinforce these ideas with him at school. If you have already done this and do not feel that this is enough – and it may well be – then I really suggest contacting a family counselor who specializes in early childhood development or children’s behavioral problems. This does not mean that I think he should be screened for a specific disorder or disability, but a counselor may be the “third voice” he needs to help him identify and practice other ways to build his impulse control muscles.
Remember, too, that much of what happens to your son can be directly related to his personality and temperament. The fact that he is one of the youngest in the class probably plays a role in all of this, but other than that, some kids just feel things more – and it makes it harder to control their stronger impulses. It is harder to brush aside the things that make you feel the deepest, and some children naturally act on this level of “deeper feelings” more than others. (I am indeed speaking from my own experience here; if you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend reading How to Raise Your Spiritual Child: A guide for parents whose child is more active, sensitive, discerning, persistent, and energetic .)
As you said, in the opening of your letter, your child is beautiful and has many wonderful characteristics. His strong emotions can be a blessing as he grows up to be an adult; he just needs some extra help to learn how to use them correctly.
Do you have a parental dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advisory” in the subject line, and I’ll try to answer them here.