How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teen
Whether it’s fair or not, teenagers have a bad reputation. They are stereotypically sullen, they answer, and they are confused by our very existence. Not always, of course, but parents can experience a strained relationship with their teenager. And this is not necessarily the child’s fault.
Child and family psychologist Barbara Greenberg says that in fact, we, as parents, do more harm to our relationships with teens than they do themselves. In some areas we try too hard and in others we don’t.
Don’t act cool
According to Greenberg, one of the most serious ways parents can negatively affect their relationship with their teenage child is by trying to act too cool. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Dress like your children or wear inappropriate clothing;
- Using their spoken language (please don’t learn their slang and then try to use them)
- Trying to gossip with them about their friends or school dramas
- Listen (and dance!) To your favorite music when friends come to them.
“Parents want their children to like them and they want their children’s friends to like them,” Greenberg says. “But you can’t please them if you act cool. Children don’t want you to act like a friend; it is uncomfortable for them. They want you to behave like a parent. “
Keep your secrets
If your teenage child trusts something, you should keep it to yourself. You might think it’s so sweet that Emma is in love, but when you talk to your sister or best friend about it on the phone, it will sound like you are lighthearted about something that is sacred to her.
“It really undermines confidence,” Greenberg says. “It kind of makes them feel like they’re not that important or that their secrets are a source of entertainment.”
Other examples might be a mother’s daughter telling her that she is having her first period, something unpleasant that happened at school, or a conflict they had with another friend. Take their trust in you seriously and keep it with you until no one is at risk of harm.
Don’t compare them to your friends.
“Parents do it all the time,” Greenberg says. “Why can’t you be more like such and such? she is so good with her mother, otherwise she will get good grades. ” Usually it’s about grades. “
Asking children why they can’t be more like friends doesn’t magically motivate them to learn more or change their attitude toward home. All of this, Greenberg says, makes them 1. feel inferior and 2. set them up against the friend they now see as a competitor. Instead, focus on highlighting your child’s strengths.
Stop interrupting
You are full of wise advice! You were a teenager too and you know what they go through! Except that you don’t, because being a teenager now is so different from being a teenager before the era of the smartphone. And interrupting them doesn’t make them listen to you anyway; it makes them disconnect you.
Listening to children is more important than being heard. They need to know that their words and feelings are important to you, and interrupting them sends the opposite signal that what they say is not important enough to be listened to.
While you’re busy listening, keep an eye on your mood, Greenberg said. Showing that your mood is influenced by how your teen is talking to you can hurt the relationship.
“Children won’t open up to you if you act like you can’t stand what they’re going to tell you,” she says. “This is a difficult but important question.”
Don’t be critical of the little things
Of course, you should put some restrictions on what they may or may not wear. But if possible, ditch things like wardrobe and hair. You might think this outfit does n’t even remotely fit, or they look a lot better with slicked-back hair, but keep that to yourself.
“What’s more important is the quality of the relationship,” Greenberg says. “First of all, save this. Before you say something like, “These pants are too tight,” ask yourself if this is really necessary and will help the relationship. “