Almost Every Couple Makes Mistakes in Communication.
Even the strongest, most synchronized couples can find it difficult to communicate in a relationship. While there are some particularly disturbing communication traps – extreme criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and evasiveness are all signs that your relationship might be doomed – there are also subtler ways you may not communicate as well as you could. with your partner.
Here are five of these ways and how to avoid them.
Assuming more communication is the solution
Surprise! You’ve probably heard before that good communication is the cornerstone of a happy relationship, and while that may be true, communication alone doesn’t necessarily create that kind of happiness. Sometimes too much talking can lead to the opposite. Erica Curtis , a California-based Licensed Family Therapist, says:
One of the biggest mistakes is the assumption that communication creates connection. For many women this is often true (conversation helps us feel connected to others), but for many men (and for some women) it is not. Finding ways to connect is important before communicating, otherwise communication can create new feelings of resentment and disconnection. Connecting through collaborative activities, recognizing another person’s efforts, or even just physical intimacy can create the necessary connection needed to communicate openly and effectively.
It helps you understand your partner’s basic communication style. As I mentioned in the previous post on marriage , one theory is that people have different ” love languages ” or the ways they best experience love: through positive words, touch, quality time, etc., speak louder than words; If your partner compliments you but never helps you around the house, that’s a big break. If you and your partner are constantly talking about something but are still struggling to overcome obstacles in your relationship, you may want to focus on other, non-verbal ways to connect.
Of course, talk is often necessary- productive and happy couples talk to each other, at least five hours a week, but as we have already mentioned earlier in this post divorce , you should make sure that you are actually talking on the same wavelength and, arguably, productive .
Expecting your partner to read your mind
Remember that time when your significant other had to do what you wanted, but later you found out that he or she had no idea? Yeah, no matter how hard we try, people can’t read each other’s minds. (It is rather difficult for us to understand what we are really communicating to each other.)
Melissa Don Lieberman gives great advice on the Mom It Forward blog [emphasis mine]:
I used to think that if my husband had even a drop of common sense, he would know what I want. For example, when he came home after a 12-hour workday and found me and my child at home with stomach flu, I assumed that he already knew the answer to the question, “Can I go for a bike ride?” He didn’t. If I hadn’t said “No,” he would have left me there, tossing chunks while I cleaned up the baby poop.
You really can’t assume that your spouse knows how you feel or what you want. You have different feelings, worldview or thoughts. You may notice the dishes in the sink, or remember that the kids haven’t done their homework yet, and he may not. When in doubt, say it out loud.
Give up and don’t say what you want or think
If one or both people are not prone to conflict, chances are, emotions will be buried in the name of the other person’s satisfaction. As the person of conflict avoidance, I can assure you that while it keeps the peace for a short time, it only gradually destroys your own happiness and, in turn, relationships. Power to Change writes:
Some people describe the ideal marriage as a two-way street. If you have no arguments or one side is always directing traffic, you are driving on a one-way street without any communication. This is not a cause for joy.
Arguments about (possibly hopeless) problems
The opposite is true for couples in which both people are stubborn and refuse to compromise. In this case, it is more like a one-lane street where two cars play chickens with each other. One example of this is what Psychology Today calls “ woodpecker syndrome ,” where one person becomes obsessed with their feelings and keeps talking about it, while the other partner backs down to protect:
One partner is simply unwilling to give up, continuing toxic conversations and repeating rash lectures.
This does not lead to a constructive dialogue, but the partner, afflicted with woodpecker syndrome, is persistent, as if he sees some kind of invisible sign “continue.” She becomes a diligent and insensitive lecturer, delivering persuasive monologues that are drowned in protective silence. Nothing is decided; relations deteriorate further. Both partners get tired and alert.
It is a communication model that brings ever-diminishing returns. Soon, the mere mention of “let’s talk” makes you want to run away or hide. The pattern of speaking with someone rather than someone creates a break in relationships and increases a break in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned the comments are if they are presented in the form of a bulleted list of sentences or a harsh monotonous monologue without interruption. This method is doomed to silence and cannot serve any good purpose.
Psychology Today’s advice? If you’re a woodpecker, just stop talking. Relax, regroup, and try a different approach. Maybe on this particular issue you will never get your way – or maybe you can do it later, but not by pecking.
Not looking at things from another person’s point of view
Sometimes it’s just about being clearer, more honest, or knowing how to best communicate with your partner, which is at the heart of better communication. It is equally important, however, to make an effort to understand things from your partner’s point of view – something that we may not always remember about this. Empathy is the most important skill you can practice both personally and professionally. You don’t always have to agree with the other person, but at least you’ll both be on the same relationship page.
This story was originally published on 3/4/14 and updated on 09/26/19 with new images.