How to Know What You Like in the Bedroom
Imagine that you are having sex with your partner and he asks you, “What do you want to do next?” At first glance, this may seem like a caring and considerate question. But now many people are panicking and trying to find an answer. This is because many people feel like they don’t really “know themselves” sexually. They don’t understand what they want or want. If you’ve always felt like your sexuality was some distant, hidden part of yourself, here are some simple steps to discover and understand what you love about sex.
Start simple
Most people don’t realize that they already know so much about their likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Many people hear the question, “What do you like?” And they complicate it. As if the answer should be a step-by-step list of 20 points. But what you love about the bedroom can be as simple as “I like soft kisses” or “I like hugging after sex.” It’s also important to note that the things you love about sex don’t have to be wildly enjoyable or orgasmic. This is another way to complicate the question. A soft kiss doesn’t have to give you an instant orgasm to enjoy doing something in the bedroom. If you feel good, this is important!
To better understand what you already enjoy, imagine that you are describing sex to an alien who has absolutely no understanding of what sex is. If you had to go into details, how would you describe sex? How would you describe your own likes and dislikes? Another way to explore this is to write a piece of erotic fiction that includes several different sex scenes. What elements are included in your story?
Look at your past experiences
Another way to find out what you like is to reflect on your past experiences. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had? Can you remember one to three different memories? From there, think about what exactly made these experiences so wonderful. For example, you may realize that in one of your favorite sexual experiences, you were very playful and silly with your partner. Or maybe oral sex has always been your favorite part of sex. What about the worst sex you’ve ever had? What exactly made these experiences so terrible? For example, you may have memories of when you and your partner were silent and did not communicate at all during sex. Or there was a time when you played with domination and submission and did not enjoy it. These memories are full of details about what you want or love. Very few people spend time researching their history looking for clues about what they like, but this is such a valuable step.
Explore on your own
Many people only think of sex as something that you do with your partner, but you must have a relationship with your own sexuality that is completely separate from whoever you take to bed with you. One of the best ways to better understand your sexuality is to masturbate. Take time to explore your own body. Touch different parts of your body in different ways and find out how it responds. Play around with different fantasies and scenarios and see which ones turn you on. Learn how to be more real in your own skin and in the present moment. It can also be a less stressful way to try something, as there will be no other person in the room with you. You will have much more room to study your own reactions.
Get ready to experiment
If you want to understand what you like about the bedroom, you have to experiment with new and different things, both on your own and with your partners. It is simply impossible to fully understand whether you will like something or not unless you give it a try. Of course, you can also have boundaries that you don’t want to go beyond. For example, maybe you know you are not open to threesome or group sex. You are definitely allowed to have boundaries, and you should have them. (Making a list of your boundaries can also be a great way to explore what you love about the bedroom.) But at the same time, it’s great to give yourself permission to explore things in a safe and controlled context. Let’s say you never liked the idea of having sex in a cancer pose, but at the same time, there is nothing unsafe about it. If you don’t have hard boundaries around doggy style, it might be worth giving it a try! If there is a particular subject that you are unsure about, try fantasizing about it or talking dirty about it with your partner without actually doing it. This can be a great way to try it with minimal risk.
Focus on your experience
To understand what you like, you must pay attention to your experience at the moment. You need to know if something is good for you or not. For example, if your partner is experimenting with spanking your ass, do you really like the feel of his hand on your skin or the feeling of being “punished”? It sounds incredibly obvious, but in reality most of us get very distracted during sex and end up not realizing if we like something or not, unless it’s at the extreme end of the spectrum. But there are still many nuances that we can be open to. I am not saying that the goal is to be 100% present 100% of the time (this is simply not possible for any activity in life). But if you are trying to figure out whether you like something or not, try to spend a little extra energy observing your own experience.
Stay open
Your likes and dislikes in the bedroom are constantly evolving based on your experiences, new or changing relationships, and your personal development. You will never fully get to know every detail of what exactly makes you tick in the bedroom, and that’s okay. Part of the fun of sex is that there is always something new to explore and learn.