How to Deal With a Toddler’s Public Tantrum

We were in Trader Joe’s parking lot. My daughter, then two years old, refused to sit in the car seat. I tried to persuade her calmly, and then not calmly at all. Soon it was a scene. She screamed as I struggled with her wriggling body, my leg stretched out behind me to keep my grocery cart from rolling. People looked into my car, wondering what was going on. “We are well!” I lied, my face was hot and my head was spinning.

This is my most vivid memory of the public hysteria of babies, but this, of course, is not my only experience. There was that case in the library. And that other explosion at the birthday party. How painful it is to be a parent in this moment – one that seems to last forever – I know that I am not alone. The parents of the Offspring Facebook group felt they were sharing their war stories.

“An epic crisis in a toy store. 3 years. Beanie babies are flying all over the place. I was upset. “

“My child once threw himself on the floor of a restaurant screaming that he wouldn’t eat if it wasn’t pizza. He even threw a glass of soda on the floor. We were at Pizza Hut. “

“My child was 4 years old and played his first football game. It was winter. He decided he didn’t want to play, but refused to leave the field. Instead, he decided to protest by stripping the deer’s butt naked right here as the game continued around him. “

The topic of tantrums in babies is huge, and we cannot overemphasize the importance of taking measures to prevent them from occurring. Make sure they are rested and fed. Give them a short description of the day so they know what to expect. Let them have a choice. Consider their limits.

But there will likely still be times when public tantrums do occur. What should you be doing right now? I asked the group of experts on child behavior for their best advice and highlighted a few common points:

1) Stay calm and know tantrums are normal. (Your child is not broken.)

2) Don’t worry about what strangers think. (It’s difficult. Ridiculously difficult.)

3) Don’t give in to what your child wants. (It just teaches them that tantrums work.)

Apart from this, there are different ways to deal with the situation. Here are the specific approaches of the experts:

Pretend to ignore the behavior

Dr. Katherine Perlman, founder of The Family Coach and author of Ignore It!

“When a tantrum happens in public, most parents panic. It’s like a nightmare in slow motion, when all eyes are judgmental and suddenly turn towards the parent. This unwanted attention often prompts parents to act in ways that not only prevent the tantrum, but also ensure that the behavior occurs again. For example, imagine your family is at Target or a science museum. The child sees something tasty or shiny and wants it. When a child is told “no”, hysteria begins. This is where many parents make a crucial mistake. They succumb to the original requirement or make some kind of compromise. It teaches the child that tantrums are an effective way to get attention and achieve something they want.

Instead, parents should pretend to ignore the tantrum. Look away, pay attention to other children, or keep shopping. If a child who is hysterical does not receive the desired toy or cookie and does not receive infinite attention, he or she will decide to move on. Why throw a tantrum if nothing good comes of it? There is one caveat. If the tantrum occurs in a restaurant or somewhere else that will be very uncomfortable for others, then the parent should take the child outside and then allow the tantrum to continue until the child realizes that the behavior is not beneficial. The trick is for the parent to listen and observe the child so that once the child stops whining or complaining, the parent needs to engage the child again and move on. With practice it becomes easier to do this, and children quickly learn that public tantrums do not elicit the desired response. “

Accept the fact that you cannot talk your child out of a tantrum.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of Good News About Bad Behavior

“When your little one melts, step number one is to do whatever you need to do to stay cool while keeping everyone safe. For some people, this means leaving the grocery cart in the middle of the aisle and driving home. For others, it means checking out quickly, even though you’re embarrassed by a crying baby at your fingertips. Anything you can do to regulate heart rate, breathing, and energy levels will benefit your child. Research has shown that parents and children synchronize breathing, heart rate, and stress levels. You will only aggravate the tantrum if you also start to worry.

When children have reached the stage of a nervous breakdown, it is impossible to learn anything new. You cannot talk them out of hysteria. Keep words to a minimum. Stick to short narrative sentences like “I’m here when you calm down” or “We can buy gummy worms another day,” or even just let the child feel seen and heard, such as “You’re SO upset.” You really wanted to turn the slide one more time! »Talk less, act more. You can discuss a relapse when you are both at home, calm and out of sight. You can also express sympathy or ask, “Do you need a hug?” Sometimes it breaks the spell of hysteria.

It may seem painful to leave a long-awaited birthday party or visit your grandma just out of tantrum, but you’ll have another chance to try again in the future. My family didn’t go out to eat for about 18 months because my baby kept throwing food and crawling under the table. When she started to misbehave, we collected food and left. It seemed like a long year and a half, but it was a quicker path to good restaurant manners than spending all the time trying to persuade her to return to her seat or bribing YouTube videos. ”

Consider your surroundings

Dr. Karla Naumburg is the author of How to Stop Losing Shit with Kids , which comes out in August.

“The first and most important step is for parents to remain calm during their toddler’s public tantrums. This is insanely difficult to do because tantrums are specifically designed to induce you to take action (emphasis on the word “trigger”). In particular, public tantrums are a challenge because most people worry about being judged by other adults around them. It’s honestly possible that you are being judged, but other people’s judgment is not your problem, so try to let it go if you can. (I promise it will get easier with practice!)

If you are in a place where it is inappropriate to stay (for example, a quiet room in a public library, movie theater, restaurant, etc.), then leave. Just get out of there. Yes, your plans will be disrupted, and this is unpleasant, but what can I say? Babies are an uncomfortable truth. (This happened to me one year old during Mother’s Day brunch. My then 3-year-old daughter saw an ant on the floor and completely lost it. She was inconsolable and refused to leave with my husband. baby, while my husband, who is one year old, and his relatives finished their lunch. I ate the leftovers on the way home. Sigh.

However, if you are in a place where it is normal (or mostly normal) for a child to lose him (for example, in a pediatrician’s office or on a playground), then your task is to manage the situation as best as possible. Can you understand what is happening, and if so, can you do it at the moment? If your child is tired after a long day, you need to do your best to shorten errands time or distract him with a book or video. Is the child legally hungry? If so, and if you’re, say, in the middle of a grocery store, open a bag of crackers or raisins and feed your baby. However, if your toddler is having a tantrum because he wants a cookie (but not necessarily hungry), don’t dare treat her; you show her that you are weak in the face of public hysterics, and she will take advantage of this at every opportunity.

Now, if you are in a place where you simply cannot leave (for example, plane, bus, train, etc.), then do whatever you need to do to survive. Seriously. Screens, snacks, books – just do what you need to do to get through it as painlessly as possible. My only caveat is to try to notice if any of your suggestions might actually trigger new tantrums – for example, some kids are very unregulated due to too much sugar or screen time, in which case try sticking to healthier snacks or audiobooks. ”

Do not think that you need something to do

Dr. Dave Anderson, Senior Director, Institute of the Child’s Mind

“The biggest problem for most parents is that the shame that accompanies babies’ public tantrums makes them act instinctively rather than in the most effective way. Tantrums have a function – they usually run away from something the child does not want to do, try to convince the parent to provide a tangible reward or privilege, or get attention.

We want parents to do four things. 1) Keep calm. 2) Avoid playing the behavior function (so as not to increase the change that will lead to new tantrums in the future). 3) Try to let go of the feeling that you need to do something , ignoring both your own shame and your baby’s behavior. 4) Keep reminding them what to do (“Honey, we still need to leave the store …”), suggest choices, redirect them, inform them about the next action, and remain neutral. And if you want extra credit, or wait and compliment any positive behavior that occurs the moment the child begins to calm down (“ Thank you for walking with me to enter the store, ” “ Great that you are using more inner voice, etc.) and only apply punishment if the child becomes unsafe or destructive. “

Remember, tantrums don’t define your child.

Katie Hurley, LCSW, Author of Happy Child: Raising Joyful Kids in a Stressful World and Getting Rid of Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls

“It is always important to remember two things about toddler tantrums: 1) Tantrums (public or private) are simply expressions of great feelings. When toddlers feel overwhelmed and out of control, they do what they can – scream, cry, and flop to the ground. 2) Tantrums are just moments. When tantrums happen in public, parents feel the gazes of passers-by. It’s overwhelming, frustrating and sometimes embarrassing, but it’s just moments. Public tantrums do not define our children and certainly are not a sign of our upbringing.

However, there are a few things that parents can do at the moment. First of all, visualize the peanut gallery blocking every chance you get, because when your toddler is having a public tantrum, you need to focus on him, let his eyes roll, and fade into the background. The most important thing you can do in times like these is to empathize with your little one. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you should be doing, but this is what your little one needs. To do this, help your toddler express how they are feeling by saying something like, “You are really feeling frustrated (or angry, or sad, or scared) right now – I know how you are feeling.” Then acknowledge the source of the problem (“You missed a dream to go to a party and you are very tired”). Finally, do a soothing exercise together. Say, “Let’s blow up the balloon together to release our crazy feelings. Mine will be red with hearts, what will yours look like? Ready? Hold my heart and together we will REALLY inhale together and then REALLY slowly exhale together to inflate our balloons. ” In a nutshell: empathize, acknowledge, reassure.

If the tantrum is fueled by a big event (like a big party or a busy store), it helps to get out of the environment and find a quiet place, but don’t panic. The key to helping toddler tantrums is to meet their storms with your calm. If your knee reflex response is panic and speaking loudly and quickly, your little one will be under increased stress. If you remain calm, hold your baby close to you (or just stay close in the event of a kick or kicks) and whisper soothing phrases (“You are upset; I will help you feel calm …”), your child will work out the tantrum and again feel calm. “