Prevent Awkward Family Conversations With Frequently Asked Questions
It doesn’t matter if you see your family once a week or once a year, they seem to be good at asking about things that you would rather not discuss . And if you have to attend a meeting with multiple extended family members – like Thanksgiving or prom – you may need to repeat the same stories and updates over and over.
It’s not the worst in the world if you have good news, like a great new job that you love or a newly purchased home. But if it’s something even vaguely negative, having to repeat the same thing to your aunt, uncles, cousins, and step-relatives over and over again can be annoying at best, and frustrating at worst. Knowing, for example, that you’ve lost your job is one thing, but going through what happened to a lot of people who probably don’t understand the nuances of your life is emotionally exhausting.
Since my mother was diagnosed with cancer last year, experiences with her part of my extended family have been a little stressful. They all love her and want to know what is going on with her treatment and prognosis – and I appreciate that – but having to talk about a failed bone marrow transplant kind of stifles any holiday mood.
This is why I started making FAQ sheets for family functions. As with any favorite passive-aggressive section of a website where an organization or individual tries to answer people’s most frequently asked questions before they contact them to ask them, my list of family FAQs serves the same purpose. Before family gatherings, I jot down and then print out the questions about her health that I expect to receive, as well as a few additional questions for those who are especially curious.
What to list
Start with a big, bold and obvious headline such as “How’s Aunt Sally?” followed by a line that says something like “Thanks a lot for the question!” (It helps to be polite.)
The rest speaks for itself: Write down the questions that family members have asked in the past, as well as those that you expect to receive now. This can range from very simple (eg, “What was the diagnosis exactly?”) To more specific information about the treatment if you decide to do it.
Also, don’t be afraid to say that you don’t know the answer to something. These are some of the questions that I fear the most. For example, if you are not sure how long a person will live, or what comes next in their treatment plan, put that on the list. In a similar vein, you can add a line at the end of the document to let people know that this is all you know about that particular thing, so if it’s not there, you probably don’t know the answer to their question.
You could also include a section on why you made this FAQ sheet, explaining concepts of emotional labor and emotional exhaustion that many people don’t seem to know or understand about.
What to do with a list of frequently asked questions
You have several options, depending on the technological capabilities of your family. If they are more comfortable with online information, you can put your FAQ in a Google Doc, make sure the settings allow anyone with the link to view it, and then email or text to those in needs it. Alternatively, you can print out multiple copies of the FAQ sheet (in large print so it is easy to read and hard to ignore) and place it in strategic locations, such as at the entrance, or tape it to your bathroom mirror.
Of course, your family members may still have additional questions – and this is not a guarantee that they will not ask them – but at least it saves you from having to constantly explain something and die a little inside each time.
Sample Family FAQ
Not sure where to start? Here’s a quick example. (Note that names and diseases have changed.)
What’s going on with Gladys?
Thanks so much for asking about my stepmother! As you probably know, she has breast cancer.
How does she feel?
It really depends on the day. On some days she is usually talkative, but on other days she is too tired to talk. Her mood rises and falls, too. She tries to maintain a positive attitude, but she is only at the beginning of a long process of healing and recovery, and it is overwhelming.
But hadn’t her cancer gone?
It seems, as it were, something like. A few months ago, she had a successful lumpectomy, but on follow-up examinations, even more cancer was found. Now her medical team is trying to determine if it has spread to other parts of her body.
What’s going on now?
They intend to continue chemotherapy and radiation therapy for six weeks and then reevaluate.
How much more does she have left?
We honestly don’t know. Doctors hope she will make a full recovery, but a lot depends on whether and where it has spread. We have no answer to this question.
What can I do?
Thank you very much for your question! You can call or text her if you want, but please don’t be offended if she doesn’t answer or call you back. And of course, feel free to send a postcard or letter – she loves to receive mail. If something serious happens, I will send everyone an update text.
Why did you make this strange list?
Caring for a sick family member is emotionally exhausting and I can only do so much. I wanted to make sure everyone got the latest information and didn’t have to repeat everything several times during the day. Thank you very much for your understanding.