Parents: Are You Depressed or Just Tired?
Before motherhood, I was never prone to depression ( I like anxiety better ). But there were a few times since becoming a parent, I wondered: Am I depressed? Days when I wanted to go to bed again after school or the weekend, when I secretly wished my family would leave without me, so that I could go to my room, sleep, read, and generally be alone.
It’s depression, isn’t it?
I have asked my therapist about this more than once. Her response, based on what she knows about me and my life, was the same: “I think you feel like you just want to rest.” And she’s right – for me these moments were a sign that I was doing too much as a working parent. After some rest and some restructuring, I noticed that the situation has improved. But parenting is no joke. The fight for moms and dads is real, and it can take many forms. We all deserve support in dealing with any new challenges we face. But first we have to find out what they are.
So, here’s a guide to finding out if you’re suffering from a diagnosable mood disorder, wasting, or just a general feeling of parenting depression, and what to do about it.
First ask yourself: am I just tired?
The answer to this question is quite simple. “Exhaustion can be draining and cause a loss of motivation, but exhaustion must be temporary and not accompanied by other intense feelings of sadness,” says Nicole Lippmann-Barile, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and board-certified dietitian. “It also needs to be corrected with rest and relaxation, while depression takes more to start improving.” I found that not getting enough sleep is the gateway to suppression and anxiety, so I worked hard to get seven to eight hours each night .
If better sleep and rest isn’t helping, or you’re starting to experience some of the other symptoms of depression (see below), “this is something to look out for,” says Sheehan David Fisher, Ph.D., assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Psychology. Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.
So what is depression?
Fischer says it’s okay to be overwhelmed as a parent at times, “but depression is a collection of symptoms.” They can include:
- Feeling depressed or sad for at least two weeks
- Not enjoying the things you usually enjoy, like your favorite TV show or food.
- Too little or too much sleep
- Significant changes in your appetite, weight gain or weight loss.
- Feeling worthless
- Have difficulty functioning properly because of how you feel
“If you have most of these things, it’s a depression diagnosis,” says Lippmann-Barile.
When should you seek professional help?
The experts I spoke with recommended paying attention to whether what you feel is a significant change for you. “If you notice a decline in the baseline, this is something to keep in mind,” says Fischer. “Sometimes people assume that if they go to a mental health professional it means they’ll have a disorder, but they may just feel very emotionally drained and may start to feel better with some skills.”
According to Karen Kleiman, author of Good Moms Think Scary , “The bottom line is if a parent is under stress that interferes with daily tasks, it’s time to seek additional support.” And if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, you need to get help immediately by calling the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or dialing 911.
How do you get help if you think it might be depression?
It is best to start with your PCP because it will be easier for you to make an appointment. They can help you figure out if your symptoms are the result of something physical, general fatigue, or a potentially diagnosed mood disorder. In the latter case, the best option would be to meet with a mental health professional who specializes in the symptoms you are experiencing. Your health care provider should be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, mental health nurse practitioner, or psychotherapist who accepts your insurance.
But there are also ways to find it yourself. The Find a Therapist feature on Psychology Today allows you to search for a health care provider in your area and specialty. The most important consideration is finding a professional who specializes in the symptoms or condition you are experiencing. Before the meeting, call to explain what you are going through and ask what their experience is and what will be their approach to treatment. On that phone call – and on your first visit – make sure you feel comfortable with your healthcare provider. “If you don’t do this, you will not be able to truly open up the way you need to,” says Lippmann-Barile. “You may have the best psychologist in the world, but if you don’t feel comfortable, you won’t achieve much.”
What if you think you are overwhelmed?
“The feeling of being overwhelmed is still very unpleasant,” says Fischer. “Parents often go through everything. And they do not realize how much damage it does to their body and brain. ” Fischer recommends looking for opportunities for “small breaks in the process,” such as taking a short walk to eat ice cream with a partner or friend, or heading to the basement for a half-hour yoga session on YouTube.
Even just five minutes of mindfulness meditation – with the app or on its own – can help break up your day and make it more manageable. I recently took an eight-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course and am now meditating daily – a practice that has inspired me to streamline my life, reduce commitments, and help me cope with the inevitable stress of everyday life.
Don’t forget the big picture
If you’ve made small changes and still find that your days are unmanageable – or even just not enjoyable – it’s worth considering the structure of your life. See where you can cut back on commitments, share the burden with your partner, other family members or caregivers, and generally shorten your to-do list. Fischer says moms and dads tend to think that “good parents” do it all on their own, but even if they could (warning, spoiler alert: they can’t) “that doesn’t make it a healthy choice.”
“Parents need to make the right choices when to prioritize and rebalance health priorities in the long term,” says Fischer. “This is a marathon, not a sprint.”