That You Are Wrong About Gratitude
The first thing we learn about manners as children is to use our “please” and “thank you” as often and early as possible. But we don’t teach it right, because everyone does it wrong, and they do it wrong in different ways. So, here’s a reminder for you on how not to effectively express your sincere gratitude.
Saying “thank you” doesn’t always make you seem grateful.
My husband recently told me that I should write a post telling people to stop using “thank you” over and over in professional emails. You don’t have to thank someone for his letter, thank him for everything he said in the email, and then sign it with a final “Thank you,” he argued. It looks disingenuous at best and annoying at worst.
If a co-worker helped you by all means, express your gratitude. But to make it the default communication mode, where “thank you” is the same as “see you later,” it leaves you feeling empowered.
Sometimes, even when you’re sincere, you go overboard
Have you ever known someone who tends to thank you 17 times for that one quick favor you did him? This is actually more annoying than not thanking you at all. If people usually tell you something like, “It’s okay, really . You have already thanked me! SERIOUS THIS WASN’T A BIG BARGAIN, “then you might go too far.
It may seem like a burden for the person who has received excessive gratitude to reassure the person whom you heard and received their gratitude that was enough and now you want to get on with your life. … One (sincere) “thank you” is just what you need.
A gratitude journal is not enough
Making everything you are grateful for into a daily habit is wonderful. You may be thinking about your good health, lovely weather, comfortable commute to work, or a friend you meet for dinner later. You can write it down, incorporate it into your daily meditation, or just take a few minutes a day to reflect on the good. Gratitude leads to satisfaction, and we could all strive to be a little more satisfied.
But the gratitude doesn’t end there. Heidi Grant, social psychologist and researcher, writes for the Harvard Business Review that the central role of gratitude in our lives is to strengthen the relationships we rely on.
Expressing gratitude to someone who helps you maintain their interest and contribution to a long-term relationship with you. It makes their time, effort and inconvenience worth it.
So write it, of course, but consider whether you need to say it.
This is not really about you
“Even when we’re really serious, we thank everyone who is wrong,” Grants writes for HBR . We think people want to hear how their good deeds have helped us, made us feel good, or improved our quality of life. After all, that’s the point, right?
Wrong. People are self-centered. Remember how Joey Tribbiani kind of convinced us that there are no good deeds?
It turns out research backs this up . We do nice things to feel better :
Yes, your helper wants you to be happy, but the motivation to be helpful is often directly related to our own self-esteem. We help because we want to be good people, to meet our goals and values, and, admittedly, to be admired.
So when you thank someone, use “complimenting others ” phrases that focus more on acknowledging and validating the giver’s actions. Instead of “Thank you, that really made my day easier,” try “Thank you for trying your best …”. Or instead of “It made me so happy,” use “You are so good …. “
Think about the giver’s actions and what he says about them, not how those actions made you feel. (Then write about your feelings in a gratitude journal.)