I’m Mike Adamik, Author of Raising Daughters in Power and This Is How I Parent.
Mike Adamik has a message for his fellow fathers: sexism exists, and if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. In his new book Raising Intensified Daughters: A Dad-to-Dad Guide , he focuses on how the seemingly innocent myths, tropes and sayings that fathers often pass on to their children can merge into something much more destructive. Good news? You shouldn’t let these things slip. Adyrik, raising a 13-year-old daughter, shared his parents with us.
Name: Mike Adamik Residence: San Francisco Work: home dad, writer Family: wife Dan; daughter Emma (13), dog Zorro, horses Flor and Birdie, and mouse Athena.
Why did you decide to write a book about raising talented daughters?
It always seemed absurd to me that my job was to raise a “strong, powerful daughter” because everyone knew what was ahead. For example, if we know we are throwing children into absolute nonsense of sexism, misogyny and abuse, why would we give them the strength to fight it? It didn’t make much sense. Instead, why don’t adults, especially fathers, talk to each other about how to make their journey easier from the start?
Tell us a little about your family and your career. Was life mostly according to plan or were there any surprises?
My wife is a lawyer, and I am a newspaper reporter who has become a family father and writer. We realized pretty quickly that once we had kids, everything I did as a reporter would go straight to babysitting. And I’ve always been something of a “boy,” so we decided to give it a try. I am very fortunate and grateful for the opportunity to fulfill this role.
Tell us about your morning routine. What are your best tricks to get out the door?
My morning routine is right at Dolly Parton’s: I jump out of bed, go to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn, stretch and try to come alive. I stopped being ashamed of my coffee addiction and realize that I’m just not quite human in the first five minutes of every morning. But then the caffeine comes in, and the morning begins. I meditate (usually through the Calm app ) for 10-15 minutes every morning and then my wife and daughter start to stir. When Emma was younger, her morning routine was a little more chaotic: cooking breakfast, cooking dinners, god, where are your shoes? Now she is in high school, and if she can no longer do it on her own, then I have failed as a parent.
How much outside help do you get as a parent?
We have a cleaning lady who comes weekly and I am especially grateful that I can afford it. Just scrubbing the floors, doing your laundry and cleaning up the dishes is undoubtedly worth the investment. When it comes to helping my parents, when Emma was little, I couldn’t live without her playgroups. She had to mess with her buddies, and I had to communicate with my parents in the same boat and at the same time solve the same problems with the kids. I recommend regular playgroups to everyone.
What’s your favorite parenting technique?
When Emme was a baby, I had a carrier backpack that I could stuff her into and then carry formula, diapers, change of clothes, snacks, and toys with me. Then I switched to a diaper carrier. It looked like a flat turtle with outstretched arms and legs that could be wrapped around the waist and shoulders. I loved this thing. I sewed a milk and snack pocket and a spare diaper into it. That was great. As she got older, her needs changed. I didn’t wear formulas anymore. She no longer needed to be carried. She no longer needed a change of clothes. At one point, I just put a few patches in my wallet and that’s all I carried with me. Now I have plasters and thin maxi pads just in case. So this is my hack. Keep in mind that needs are constantly changing and your role as a father is a little different from year to year, then carry a few patches and a few ultra-thin maxi pads in your wallet because you never know.
How do you unpack?
I used to think that meditation was some kind of hippie bullshit on top of a mountain or something, but once I realized what it really was and how much you can really use your body, it was game-changing. … Not in the sense that I’m a completely different person, but I’m a little different, in a good way, and that’s enough. I speak to myself much more lovingly than before, and this is not a relief. And I’m not so obsessed with mistakes. I do them, of course, and I try not to do them, but I am much more forgiving of myself when I do them, and I noticed that it helped me move forward much, much faster to do better things, whether in writing or in my attitude.
What do you want your child to learn from your example?
I think we are a family of insane, successful, aspirants and doers. My wife tries her best, and I try my best to do the same, whether it’s writing, parenting, or just keeping up the house. But I think it’s critical, critical, that our daughter sees us just screw up from time to time. This is the first place on the list to make sure she knows that we will all make mistakes and that you can be kind to yourself and move on and blow another one the next day.
Children, and I think especially girls, are expected to become such great learners as they get older. Good grades, sports, good friends. The pressure is so great and I wanted her to know, and I think I can give a compelling example that everyone is constantly screwing up and that’s okay.
Is there something that your parents did that you would like to pass on to your child?
Extreme freedom. I had two brothers growing up, and I’m not entirely sure if my parents knew where we were on a given day. I think I remember having to check over the phone from time to time, but we could check in from a friend’s house or from Las Vegas. “Hey mom. Yes, we are four more cities. It’s okay. See you at dinner. It was definitely more difficult for my daughter to achieve this in a big city than in a rural suburb, but the position remains: to teach self-confidence and let her go, although would be a little.
What are you most proud of as a parent?
I remember we just had a good dinner and played a family game at Yatzi, and for some reason we gathered at the window looking at the moon. For some reason, it really wasn’t a special night; just a random weekday. And my daughter, out of the blue, said something like, “I am very grateful to you two and our family, and I am really happy.” It wasn’t an “achievement”, an award, or her doing something super cool, and we enjoyed the parental brilliance of it.
There is no real end to the game in parenting. Your child is under 18 and is not going to a “good school” or is under 30 and is not getting a good job, and you think, “Finally, I did it! The upbringing is over, and I have achieved success! “You just hope that you are raising a kind, confident adult who can handle all the bullshit that is thrown at her, and at that moment I felt that we were doing something in this direction.
What moment are you least proud of?
Wow, how much do you have left? Every time I lose my cool and upset with my child, I feel pain, and in fact, this is one of the reasons why I started meditating. The feeling of shame is really strong and I have no doubt that it will happen again. Living with people is hard. I noticed that I lose my cool most of the time when we were all trying to get somewhere: to a sports training, to a doctor’s appointment, to a meeting, whatever. My wife and daughter were casually choosing shoes, while I was calculating routes, driving times and parking, and whether we brought snacks and change of clothes for this thing after the thing. What was supposed to be a fun walk often turned into me in my soul due to being late, and it once occurred to me that I think that I consider any lateness a reflection of my role as a housekeeper, and that I was kind of letting everyone down. fathers. Maybe we were the dumbheads of all those commercials – like, man, you had one job and you couldn’t even make it to the (checkout calendar) … princess party at a party? As soon as I realized that there was a lot going on behind the scenes for me, those moments of loss of coolness and clicks began to fade away, but they kind of hit me in the stomach every time I think about them or repeat them. I am least proud of what happens when I am hungry. So I take snacks and water with me almost everywhere.
What are your favorite funny / weird / special family rituals?
My daughter has all my shit because of OCD, and it’s so weird to see her little mirror walking around. I feel guilty that she would have to check the stove four times before going to bed, or save the entire plane by repeating a specific phrase at the right time before takeoff. But there is this one thing where it makes me fan the bedroom just like that before I turn off the light. Either this is the dumbest game between us, or it will cost her a second mortgage for therapy, but we enjoy it. It’s such a small part of the day, but I know that when she goes to college one day, I’ll miss pushing that dumb fan a fraction of an inch while we giggle.
Also, we used to be supercars, anti-TV, anti-screen, anti-tech hippies going about their business. But watching Nice Place with the whole family is probably the best return decision we’ve made in recent years.
Has anyone ever given you parenting advice that you really liked?
I feel like I can just cite all the ” Blessings are upholstered knee ” Wendy Mogel, because it really helped me to form the way I wanted to raise their children . We push the kids so hard to be special, to be the best, to be whoever, and, you know, the best parts are probably just looking out the window or remembering what it was like to hold your daughter’s hand entirely. the hand reaches up to yours.
The only thing I would like to say to other parents who are pursuing a career:
I like this question so much. In my experience, dads are rarely asked questions like this. How does he do all this? Oh my god, work and bake the PTA sale cupcakes? I have a lot of respect for single parents who really need to “get it done”. If you are traveling with a partner, I would advise you to often overestimate expectations regarding roles and responsibilities – from everything from taking care of the children in the afternoon to who will wash the dishes or remember to pick up Tide. Dads do more around the house and with children – much more. But in the second shift, we are not entirely equal. Therefore, I would advise dads to make a candid assessment of who is emotionally charged and why, and then perhaps adjust accordingly.
What’s your favorite practical tip for nurturing a confident girl?
You are in charge of your circles. You decide what is acceptable to you, and you don’t think for a second that your children will notice it. The sociologist Allen Johnson, who wrote The Gender Knot , describes us all as protagonists of the patriarchy. This system exists, and we take part in it, whether we like it or not. The fact that we can not decide whether to play a role, but we can decide how to fulfill our role. We can prop it up or tear it off a little from the inside. This is really the advice I want to give dads: play better. Don’t let sexism float in your circles. Don’t laugh at silly sexist jokes just because you’re afraid to make a splash in your male circles. Induce the insults or harassment and help stop them.
You can define what your circles look like and you can be of immense benefit in your social, work and family circles by playing a more active role in helping our girls get rid of sexist society and helping our boys gain access to their lives. a complete emotional self, not just a universal masculinity that can so easily slide into anger and acceptance. We are all together, and we have much more power than we imagine.