Stop Asking, “Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?”
If you haven’t asked your child – or any other child – who they want to be when they grow up, I salute you. This is one of those questions that adults ask children by default, a reflex left over from our childhood when we were asked nausea if we wanted to become a doctor, astronaut or teacher.
I am, of course, to blame for this. I am one of those parents who posed for pictures of their child on the first day of school, holding a sign indicating the year and grade, as well as his future career aspirations.
It’s not that we’re trying to tie them to a particular profession; we all know that the number of children who declare that they want to become paleontologists is much less than the number of children who actually become paleontologists. I viewed this as curiosity; a cute, visual way to keep track of how his interests change over time. But psychologist Adam Grant writes for The New York Times that we are doing our kids a disservice by endlessly asking them what they want to be when they grow up.
My first gripe with the question is that it forces children to define themselves in terms of work. When asked what you want to be when you grow up, it is socially unacceptable to say “father” or “mother,” let alone “honest.” This may be one of the reasons many parents say their most important value to their children is caring for others, but their children believe that success is the highest value. When we define ourselves by our work, our value depends on what we achieve.
Second, Grant says , we mean that everyone has only one true calling. I have only 15 years of my career, and it has changed and changed as my own interests and priorities have changed and changed. We all work professionally.
And even if you are lucky enough to stumble upon a calling, it may not be a viable career. My colleagues and I have found that appeals often go unanswered: many career hobbies don’t pay the bills, and many of us just don’t have the talent.
As “world education evangelist” Jaime Kasap teaches, instead of “Who do you want to be,” try asking, “What problems do you want to solve?” Shift the focus from a specific job and more to the kind of person they want to be. A compassionate, organized, and energetic person can be anyone as an adult.
I’ve refrained from asking this question in the past year or so, and I’ve noticed a shift in the way my son thinks about his future. A year ago, he went from being a determined “video game creator” to several options that he may or may not follow. These include, but are not limited to: a restaurant owner who specializes in hot dogs, a toy store owner, a professional soccer player, or, yes, a video game manufacturer (there is no reason to give it up altogether).
When he finishes listing all the possible options, he asks me: “What do you think I should do?”
I shrug and say, “I think you would do very well with any or all of them. It’s great as a kid that you have so much time to figure it out. And the most wonderful thing in an adult’s life is that you can always change your mind and try something new. “