This Is the Type of Stress Your Child Needs.
As we stood outside the door to the judges’ room, the notes in my eight-year-old daughter’s hands trembled noticeably. I advised her to take on a piano piece that really challenged her, and she struggled with it for months. She was very nervous in the days leading up to the show, to the point where I wanted to let her go. Did I push her too hard?
But while her notes trembled, her mouth was firmly compressed and her eyes were wide and focused. I said a few words of encouragement and she entered the room alone. Five minutes later, she came out with a big smile on her face – her hard work paid off.
Many parents instinctively avoid stressful situations when it comes to our children. I wanted to save my daughter from the stress of her piano playing. Seeing her small face, frozen in nervous concentration, like an adult, I wanted to hug her and tell her to forget all this. But it’s good that I didn’t, because what my daughter was going through, although painful, was a gift. My daughter was experiencing eustress .
Not all stress is created equal
Some stress – the right kind of stress – is good for us. Differs from its cousin Dis curl, eustress positive form of stress, which can help us to focus and really improve our work, which leads to feelings of self-sufficiency and self-confidence. The term was coined in 1974 by Hungarian endocrinologist and researcher Hans Selye, combining the Greek prefix “Eu” (meaning “good”) with the word “stress”.
On the other hand, negative stress – distress – is useless. It causes anxiety and discomfort in the person experiencing it and can undermine self-confidence and performance.
The stress my daughter experienced while playing the piano was a flirtation of eustress with the border of suffering. If I stood over her and yelled at her while she practiced, or threw my hands up in despair, her stress would surely turn negative. But I supported her positively and she did her best. For her, the experience, though nervous, was positive and reassuring.
Psychologists are trying to point out the difference between distress and eustress. One brings fear and insecurity; the other brings excitement, anticipation, nervous joy from solving a problem. One undermines self-esteem; the other builds confidence. Better to avoid one. Another is desirable and may even be considered necessary.
What does eustress look like for a child and how can we make our children experience it for themselves?
Looks like I ran into a problem
In any case, the task is achievable. Of course, we cannot expect our children to win every competition they participate in, but we want them to walk away feeling that their efforts have produced a result that they can be proud of. Enroll your child in contests or assignments that require some work of them, and make sure they feel positive about the work. Praise their determination and how far they have come without dwelling on whether or not they have won something.
Seems like trying new things
Another form of eustress is the nervousness we experience when trying new things. Can we handle this? We don’t know, but it’s part of the fun – it doesn’t matter if we did a good job with the new thing or not. The point is, learning is fun. Whether it’s roller skating, theater lessons or a new sport, give your child ample opportunity to experience the thrill of a new activity.
It looks like a change is taking place
Most of us are afraid of change. If we are comfortable with where we are, why rock the boat? But sometimes comfort means inertia, and sometimes it gets in the way of growth. For an adult, eustress can come from a career change or buying a new home. For the child, this may look like moving to another school because it offers a program that suits his interests, or moving to a new area. Both of these experiences can be frightening and even distressing, but viewing them as exciting opportunities can go a long way in transforming this negative stress into a positive expectation of a butterfly in the stomach – eustress. And rethinking and using stress as a positive motivator is a life skill we want our kids to have.