Help Your Child Deal With Peer Pressure With the Big Rock Metaphor
When other high school students get low, you want your child to get high. You want your child to be the one who confronts the abuser or says, “No thanks, this (insert risky behavior) is stupid.”
But high school is a time when peer pressure reaches an all-time high, intersecting with a child’s deep need for belonging. For the daughter of writer Jennifer Underwood, this led to a petty theft from a corner store. As mentality and development coach Underwood writes for The Washington Post , the situation was not particularly serious, but it was a great opportunity to start talking about boundaries, honesty and personal responsibility.
However, talking about boundaries, honesty, and personal responsibility can feel like sunset-worthy lectures. So instead, Underwood decided to teach her daughter how to be the “big rock” in the river.
“Imagine that you are standing on the bank of a river and throwing a small pebble there. Watch him. Does it stay where you drop it, or does it move? Is it starting to flow down the river? Are you being pushed? If you walk across the river to where the pebbles are, will your feet push it out? Pick up and move?
What is stronger for you: a river or a rock? “
“River,” she replied, as did most of us.
“For pebbles, the river is stronger. But look again at the river. Do you see any large rocks or boulders buried in the mud and sticking out of the water? Are they driven by water? “
“No, the water swirls around them. They don’t move at all. They are too big. “
Months after the candy theft incident – and as other social dramas periodically unfolded in high school – Underwood used this metaphor to talk to her daughter about becoming immobile in the face of influence and pressure. A large rock cuts deep into the mud and stands still; a small stone allows itself to be swept away under peer pressure.
I love the imagery of this metaphor because it allows children to visualize how doing the right thing actually makes them stronger.
She will not always choose the right path. She will not always make the right choice, but she understands the difference and knows that she has a choice. Knowing that this is her strength. This is the place from which confidence and boundaries grow.
It is not an instant solution to a problem as they go from full influence one day to violent independence the next; instead, they may gradually imagine themselves getting larger and larger over time, from pebble to medium stone to boulder.