How to Get Better at Small Talk
I try to stop saying “I know.” I say too much to my friends or my wife when they are just trying to help. But unless someone really is a jerk or thinks I’m an idiot, I don’t have to defend my ego that much. I get more points if I say “Thank you!” or “It’s true!” and keep talking. Artist Austin Cleon lists a few more keyboard shortcuts that you might want to use in place of the current default settings.
For example, Cleon says that if you find it difficult to accept a compliment, try saying “Thank you for saying that.” If someone criticizes you and you want to tell them to fuck with you, use “You may be right.”
Cleon also quotes the famous trick of the writer Paul Ford : Let’s say you just met someone and you asked what they do for a living and you have no answer. Try saying, “Sounds complicated.” The other person is likely to open up and express some kind of emotion, and boom, you’ve already gone through the flaccid small talk.
Lifehacker writer Alicia Adamchik continues the theme “What do you do?” with “Do you like it?” She says it disarms people. I like to ask, “How do you do this?” This is a less emotional version of the same question.
Another small talk trick I’ve learned the hard way is when someone tells you about their area of expertise, ask them about it, rather than tell them about it. If you come across a geneticist, don’t tell him about the CRISPR article you read. Ask their opinion on this matter or correct your impression of something. Do it openly and naturally – some people don’t like being forced to judge everything. (And don’t ask people to speak on behalf of gender, ethnicity, or other identity.) But notice that they are interested in the explanation, and dig into that. Keep asking, “How does it work?” and “How do you do it?” – questions that suggest that the other person is smart.
Another conversational trap I fell into was “What did we all see?” This is when everyone in the conversation continues to name shows or movies until you find the one that you all watched. Then everyone freezes because you have nothing to say about it. Get out of this trap by finding a similar show or movie (or book or music artist) to recommend it, tell me why you recommend it, and then take turns asking others for advice.
And when someone asks you what you do and you don’t want to talk about it, be ready to transition. Focus on your hobby, work that you enjoy, or what makes it worthwhile. Remember, you are not filling out a form; you are conducting a conversation.
What I Say When I Don’t Know What To Say | Austin Cleon