I’m Loretta Stokes, Eventbrite Technical Manager, and I’m a Parent.
Loretta Stokes – senior manager of software development and mentor women engineers through their work with the organization WomenGetIT . She was recently named “New Leader of the Year” by the Greater Nashville Technology Council.
Name: Loretta Stokes. Location: Nashville, Tennessee. Jobs: senior manager of development of software in the Eventbrite. Family: her husband, Nathan; 15-year-old daughter Lily; and Eli’s 8-year-old son
Tell us a little about your family and your career. Was life mostly according to plan or were there any surprises?
My life was full of surprises. When I was in college, I thought I wanted to become a math teacher, but eventually I switched to computer science. After graduation, my career did not start the way I imagined. My first full-time job was as a consultant in Tennessee. Unfortunately, the project I was planning to implement was canceled, so I learned a hard lesson in consulting: either holiday or hunger. I was hungry.
Finally I got the position of contract software engineer. The job was a combination of hardware and software, and I really liked the projects I was working on. In 10 years I have gone from a contract position to an outstanding software engineer. To be honest, I never had any plans to move into management while I was in my technical position, but when my manager passed away from a heart attack, I wanted to keep the team he started, so I made it to the plate.
My son was very young then, he was almost a year old, and my daughter was 7 years old, so it was a difficult decision, but I’m glad I did it. This choice not to slow down was extremely difficult for the mother. However, as a manager, I became a leader, and I learned firsthand how to lead people, make important business decisions, and help people grow in their careers. I am currently working in a leadership position at Eventbrite , an event technology platform.
Although my career did not go as planned, if my life had not taken a new trajectory, I would not have met so many wonderful people and would not have been inspired to help others continue to achieve their goals.
Has the way you work changed the way you become a parent?
Parenting taught me patience and empathy for my team – as a result, I became a more understanding and thoughtful leader. Before jumping to conclusions about a situation, I make sure to take the time to listen and understand everyone’s point of view.
Aside from compassion and patience, I’ll add that a working parent makes your job insanely effective. You are constantly prioritizing home life and work responsibilities, and you are expected to do all of that.
Instead of “work-life balance,” you said that you were striving for “work-life integration”. Can you tell me how you make the distinction and how you are trying to achieve it?
Balancing work and personal life means sharing your time and energy with work and family. It also indicates that you are living with set working hours and a certain amount of time at home. The concept of integrating work and personal life is much more flexible. There may be times when I need to spend more time with my children, such as picking them up early from school, going to the doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, or attending their sports games. I can still spend a few hours at home these nights when I’m with my family to make up for time away from the office, and this is not a problem for me or my family.
In the end, it is still important to fulfill your responsibilities and fulfill any obligations, but the hours in which you work are not strictly defined and my life still seems balanced.
Tell us about your favorite family ritual.
My son loves to cook, so on weekends we love making a great breakfast for the whole family. My husband starts eating bacon and sausage. My son’s favorite hobby is making pancakes – it took him a while to learn, but he can flip them without making a mess. For the more experienced pancake maker, you can get molds in a wide variety of shapes. We recently found such cool emoji shapes .
Our weekend breakfast ritual is the time when we leave everything behind – heavy homework or annoying work project – and spend time together, communicating as one family. It’s simple, but every weekend I look forward to the smell of bacon and pancakes.
What are you most proud of as a parent?
What I’m most proud of is that my son is in trouble because of the conversation at school. I know it sounds strange, but you have to understand how far he went. Three years earlier, he was diagnosed with speech delay. He didn’t say “mommy” or ask for his favorite toys – he wanted to use words to communicate, but he couldn’t. He knew what he wanted, but he couldn’t say the words, which angered him most of the time. It was very difficult for my mother.
On the recommendation of a doctor, we took him to a speech therapist to find out what his needs and limitations are. We were diagnosed and also accepted into the preschool program for children with developmental delays. Over the years, he has made tremendous strides in speech therapy. For a child who once could not give his name, the fact that I now have problems at school because of the conversation, I am by far the most proud, and the thought still makes me smile.
What moment are you not proud of?
My son was playing baseball one spring. This was his second year, but he was still quite young. In practice, he did a pretty good job with the catcher. So this was his first game in this position. There was a blow to the far side of the field. As the dough wrapped around the bases, my son stood in front of the plate at home. The ball was thrown home on time, but my son was not looking. The ball rolled past him. I shouted: “GET THE BALL! GET THE BALL! “It was too late. The dough made it home.
My son finally realized what was happening and took the ball. When he returned to his seat, I saw him rubbing his eyes, frowning. I felt terrible. From that moment on, I only root for my children. If I have something constructive to say, I will talk to them after the game. I want them to know that I am here to support them.
What do you want your children to learn from your example?
You have to work on what you want in life. It is not easy and you will most likely fail. If you fail or don’t get what you want, consider it a learning experience.
In my experience, making a successful career suitable for me has not been easy. I can name a few projects that completely went wrong and mistakes that I introduced. Getting to these next levels in my career has been difficult too, and there is no tutorial for that. It was especially difficult to become a manager; what makes you a successful engineer does not make you a successful manager. Your added value goes from being a coding writer to being a good person. I found out the hard way. However, I learned ten times with each challenge, and it was this harder experience that helped me become who I am today.
The only thing I would like to say to other parents who are pursuing a career …
It’s okay to ask for help. This is not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be around everyone, but as long as there is someone who loves them, they will be fine.
I confess that I tried everything with my first child. I went to all school activities, doctor appointments, and play dates. With my second child, I continued my career. When he was 12 months old, I took up a leadership position, and my husband decided to become a homebody. At first it was difficult for me to ask him for help and let him go. But my husband is a great dad and it allowed me to focus more on my career.