How to React to Microaggression Like a Colored Face
Within minutes of any first date, Uber ride, or any other social event that requires meeting complete strangers, usually the first thing that comes up is questions about my ethnicity. People love to guess.
I’m a Filipino, by the way, and after they figure it out I’ll hear that I’m too dark-skinned or too light-skinned, that my eyes are too small or too wide, or my face is too round to be the ethnicity I’m “claiming.” … I usually take it calmly. For the most part, it is harmless. I liked it too.
But then it suddenly became very annoying.
The simple act of asking someone about their ethnicity without provoking it into conversation is like drawing a figurative line in the sand. I am American, born and raised in the USA, but the need for self-identification feels like I have to validate myself in front of complete strangers. Fortune telling seems offensive when a person bases it solely on physical characteristics or on the way I speak.
To be clear, this is not always an offensive question. In fact, this is often not the case. Many people ask me without making any assumptions. But I often don’t understand what to do with this and any other similar questions or comments. As a person of color, how exactly should you respond to such a question?
Do not resist every microaggression
First, microaggression is a reality, and it is a struggle that many people of color identify with. According to Dr. Daniel Gaztambide , clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the New School for Social Research, remarks like “You don’t look anyway” are examples of everyday verbal or non-verbal remarks that convey a negative message to a person based solely on their marginalization. On the more obvious side, this is just as egregious as being ignored.
“Let’s say you’re a woman of color at a board meeting and everyone else is a man,” he said. “Every time you try to express your opinion, people are talking about you. They prevent you from coming up with your ideas. If you put your idea [forward] and it was rejected, but then the same idea was voiced after, in a completely subconscious way, she said, “Oh, your ideas don’t matter. You are not important unless it comes from the mouth of a white man or a man. “
According to Gaztambide, you don’t have to respond to every single micro-aggressive comment, although it’s tempting (I’m non-confrontational and generally prefer passive aggression, which is probably not the best route either).
“If you keep track of every time you experience microaggression, whether on social media or in your daily life, you will burn out very quickly,” he said. “Constant exposure to microaggression is very stressful and can be truly devastating to someone’s mental and physical well-being, but if you regularly ignore them, resentment, confusion, feelings of disconnection just fester inside. Then you have to understand at the moment what is most important to you right now? “
Decide if it’s worth it
When you are in the moment and someone asks a question or makes a remark that seems aggressive, Gaztambide recommends that you analyze the situation, realizing its importance in a wider context. He advised asking yourself three questions when dealing with an offensive comment:
1. What is your goal in the situation?
(Is there something you need from them in the long run, like a promotion from a boss?)
2. How important is the relationship with this person to you?
3. Does it undermine your own self-esteem and self-esteem?
Yes, self-esteem in exchange for a promotion can be a huge blow to your self-esteem. But you can resist it.
Refer to him
If you decide to answer someone’s question or comment (good!), Gaztambid does not recommend that you respond with aggression – if you do, your point of view may get lost.
Instead, your strategy should be to stay firm but allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest.
“Typically, someone can challenge someone for their privilege or simply say bluntly that what they are doing is racist, problematic, etc.,” he said. “When we look at research on this issue, people, whether they are a minority or not, feel attacked and [are going to] shut down. They won’t really hear the meaning of what you are trying to say. But when people feel that you have come from a vulnerable spot, it will actually generate more sympathy. ”
Ask questions or comment on behavior, not the person you are communicating with. Explain how and why the comment made you feel a certain way, why it might be perceived as offensive, but do not indulge them.
“You don’t care about their feelings,” he added. “You’re just trying to be true in that moment, and how it affected you.”
Trust a friend
According to Gaztambide, if you choose to confront someone or completely ignore it, it is important to have follow-up care. You need to find resources, such as a larger organization at work, that you can trust.
Whenever I feel that a remark has offended me in some way, I find respite from talking to someone who has faced the same situation. They can empathize and it doesn’t seem patronizing (and sometimes it’s just fun to share a mutually felt experience).
“Even just by browsing [stories] on the Internet,” added Gaztambide. “Make sure you are not alone with this experience. You can let go of many of these things, but if you don’t talk to anyone about them, it starts to feel like you are the only one who is struggling with it. This leads to a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression, you don’t know what to do. “
And if you’re asking someone about their ethnicity, it’s simple – context matters. “Does this have anything to do with our conversation? Am I obsessive asking this question? Am I making assumptions about microaggression (is this person not a “real” American, etc.)? “
In other words, use common sense and don’t ask someone when it is irrelevant to the situation you are in.