How to Deal With Online Hate
Dylan Marron loves to talk to his enemies as long as they are not exactly enemies. On his podcast Conversations with People Who Hate Me, Dylan talks on the phone with people who have sent him hate mail, angry comments, or tweets about him. He also moderates conversations between other people who have abused each other online, such as Yo! The host is a racist, Andrew T. and the embarrassed caller, or Amanda Palmer and the Twitter critic. Dylan’s charm and thoughtfulness make conversations surprisingly pleasant, and he and his guests inevitably find a common language – no one sacrifices their dignity or justifies shitty behavior. Dylan gave Lifehacker some tips on how to deal with hate and criticism online, and what shares useful criticism, impoliteness, and insults.
Empathize with disapproving
The slogan of conversations : “Remember that there is a person on the other side of the screen.” (Dylan doesn’t like calling people “trolls.”) This is a good lesson for chatters, but it’s also useful for those who talk shit. As Dylan explains in his TED talk , you can develop empathy for the person who said something nasty about you without justifying what he said. If you think of them as a specific person, and not as a great disembodied voice of the world, you take away some of their power over you.
“Empathy is simply admitting that someone is human,” says Dylan. “But it can feel really weird to empathize with someone with whom you really disagree or who deeply disagree with a very important part of you and who you are. We are afraid to empathize with people because we are afraid that empathy confirms their point of view. ” But he talked to people with completely different political convictions or approaches to life, and this did not change his beliefs or make him less active in the struggle for what is right. In fact, it became easier for him to stick to his beliefs and his work, because criticism is not so scary.
You can empathize without showing interest – and in most cases, you should. Dylan originally started the show after digging through the online profiles of people who insulted him and his political videos . “I clicked on the profile of the person who sent it to me and made them humane.” You can calmly explore or just imagine this person’s personal life.
Don’t – and believe me I made this mistake – don’t use your research to attack another person online. They can deserve it! But if you start escalating on the internet, they’ll probably dig into escalations too, and their short-term crap turns into a long-term struggle.
Take it offline
If you have a reason to respond to someone – for example, if you know them personally – talk over the phone or in person. On some level, humans are programmed to get along with the people around us, or at least try. But communicating online, even texting someone you know, can provide enough distance between us to ignore this wired connection. If you originally had the opportunity to start this conversation offline, you should. It sucks that you might have to kickstart someone’s empathy to get them to stop yelling at you, but it’s an effective method. “We coexist more at ease in physical spaces than digital ones,” says Dylan.
Realize that your haters don’t think straight
A concrete and useful way to make the other person less intimidating is to realize that they probably don’t even want to look like such a jerk. It doesn’t justify what they said, it just makes you feel less truthful .
“The Internet allows us to use rather intense language and sometimes even convey non-intense feelings,” says Dylan. “We are prone to exaggeration, even if there is no negative attitude towards it. The structure of the comment section makes us fight for likes and votes. “It’s the same on most social media. People scream to be heard and they may forget that the person they’re talking about could read their message. Many people on Conversations have literally written that they “hate” something or someone, and many of these people come back to it as soon as they hear their words out loud.
Dylan’s first guest, Chris, left a nasty comment on one of Dylan’s videos, calling Dylan a piece of shit. Chris said on the phone that Dylan “caught him at the wrong time.” As Dylan kindly noted (and Chris immediately agreed), Chris was the one who decided to join the fight; Dylan didn’t “catch him” at all.
Therefore, when you read that someone is saying something terrible about you, you can mentally shorten it by several steps. You, like Dylan, can understand that the person who offends you online may be “bad,” but you don’t excuse him. Hell, you don’t even have to forgive them. It’s about mitigating the damage they can do to you.
Do not overuse
Criticism does not mean abuse. “I was also threatened with death, and I do not speak to these people,” says Dylan. “I talk to people with whom I feel safe.” He does not invite people who threaten him or use fanatical language to attack fundamental things in him.
At whatever level you encounter mid-level criticism or hate, don’t feel obligated to pay that much attention to abuse. And understand that your personal limitations are not the same as those of others. While Dylan is willing to speak on the phone with someone who called him “piece of shit,” he doesn’t expect anyone else to say, “We [everyone] have to decide what we want to interact with.”
Don’t discount all criticism
The more subtle effect of undeserved hatred is that it undermines our ability to handle well-deserved criticism. And most of us end up receiving some unwanted criticism that can really help us.
Think of all the times you’ve agreed with a negative tweet or comment and would like the subject to take notice and stop, say, being such an asshole. What if … you’re an asshole? Sometimes – without mentioning it – Dylan graciously points out to his guests. And this is not a quick fix. “I don’t know a single person who hears criticism for the first time, and this immediately changes everything in him. I do not do this! When my friends say that what I’ve done hurts them, I’m not like, “I’m done! I have changed! ‘Take your time to sit with criticism. You don’t have to answer immediately. “
Look at the hate directed towards wonderful people
As an online writer and video creator , I receive a lot of hate emails. I hate tweets and I hate comments. Listening to conversations helps me remember that this happens to anyone who does something interesting in public. If you want your hate emails to be calmer, look for hate emails addressed to something extremely popular and respected. I enjoy searching for my favorite classics on Amazon and Goodreads and reading one-star reviews.
This can be a little depressing as you will see how awful some people’s taste can be. You will see how many people write bad and stupid things about great people and great works of art. But think about how well these people and their jobs did . This does not mean that criticism has never hurt these people. So they didn’t give in to it. It also means that no matter how good you are, there is always someone who is willing to hate you – or for a moment think that they hate you.
Use your haters
This part strikes me as odd – I’m not the kind of person who has an album of my hate letters. I was on the direct reading of other people’s hate letters and found it a trifle. And until recently, I did not listen to Conversations . But I take screenshots and sometimes I tweet angry emails , and it makes me feel better. So you can turn people’s hate into a big project, a small project, or just write something to your friends to laugh.
A journalist’s wife embroidered especially illiterate letters of hatred with a cross . (It’s always easier to deal with a hater who can’t write.) And Jimmy Kimmel gets celebrities to read people’s evil tweets – which might overwhelm those people, but at least tells everyone who’s really in charge. The hater gets his name on TV for a few seconds – and his target continues to succeed.
And don’t forget to value your positive reviews. Print out a praise from a stranger or a good email from someone you respect. Spend time with people who like you. Let the haters take a back seat.