How to Get Better at Small Talk
Three years ago, after quitting my job and having (very) little to do, I spent some of my savings on an improvisation lesson at Upright Citizens Brigade. By all accounts, I was not very funny or quick. I also couldn’t stop sweating, and most of the students in my class thought I was dipping my head in the sink during recess (they weren’t wrong).
I wanted to take the lesson just to get rid of the chatter. If I don’t have a drink or two, it will be difficult for me to talk about small talk. Meeting and talking to strangers is not my strong suit, and I often return to conversations wondering where I went wrong.
However, over the years, through countless wedding invitations, job interviews, and other social events, I have learned to maintain a conversation without the intermittent interruptions that translate into dialogue with strangers. Thanks to Quartz (and Rob Walker in his latest newsletter ), I’ve compiled some of the best tips for getting over the awkward little bit of small talk and why being open is the key to overcoming conversational madness:
Find a common language
As Quartz mentioned, there is a “triangulation” approach to small talk (named by Keo Stark, author of When Strangers Meet ) . This method involves three points: you, your partner, and the observed object in front of you – in other words, your points of contact.
It’s simple. Find the thing that binds you together and strengthen it, even if it’s right in front of your eyes. The weather is awful! Can’t wait for lunch! Not again, Trump!
If you need a date idea, don’t neglect the standard movie and dinner. You just spent two hours together watching a movie, it’s the perfect thing to create dialogue, even if the movie stinks (addiction to a terrible game!).
And …
There is a cardinal rule of improvisation that Tina Fey talks about in her book Bossypants : the “Yes, and …” rule. Without breaking it, it means that you take the premise (the conversation, in this case) as it is, and you add to it without hesitation so that the improvisation can continue.
Fey captured it best:
“If we are improvising and I say, ‘Stop, I have a gun,’ and you say, ‘This is not a gun.’ This is your finger. You point your finger at me. ”Our impromptu scene has stopped. But if I say: “Stop, I have a gun!” and you say, “The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard! ‘ then we started the scene because we AGREE that my finger is actually a Christmas pistol. “
Using this rule, agree with the premise and allow one answer to escalate into another question or answer. The weather is awful! Yes, and I could not leave the house, because I almost drowned! Congratulations, you’ve started a completely new conversation (and a set of urgent clarifying questions).
Talk about yourself
One exercise from Improvisation 101 involves discussing a subject continuously for a minute. For a moment, you are a hamster spinning on your wheel, talking about everything – from the lack of windows in the room around you to the intimate details of your personal life.
I am not saying that you should speak for a minute without interruption. You will get a lot of blank stares and possibly a few shoots. What I’m trying to say is that when the conversation gets dry, or you’re talking to someone who doesn’t like small talk, don’t be afraid to talk about yourself. Sometimes people just want to listen, and sometimes they just need you to open up to develop rapport.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your weekend plans, no matter how boring (I didn’t do anything this weekend, but finally I finally took the time to launch Game of Thrones for the first time. The amount of conversation this has generated is unsurprising).
People want to hear what you have to say, so pat yourself on the back and open up. It’s easy to overestimate every word and misstep, but don’t let that get in the way of your ability to have a good, light-hearted conversation.