That’s Why You Should Stop Apologizing so Much
When you make a mistake, admitting it and correcting it is usually the best course of action, but sometimes it is not your responsibility.
Some people may not even be aware that they are taking responsibility for things, but think about how often you apologize when someone bumps into you or says “I’m sorry” in response to someone’s traffic complaint. Veteran psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendricksen has written about how accepting responsibility can go beyond Dirty Quick Tips, but surprisingly, she starts with how good it can be.
It makes people like you
Hendriksen shares a Harvard Business School and Wharton study in which people asked to borrow someone’s cell phone on a rainy day. In some cases, they first apologized for the weather and then asked for a phone; in others, they simply asked for a phone. Starting with an apology for something not their fault (rain), they were able to borrow a phone 47% of the time. If they just asked for a phone, there would be only 9 percent successful phone borrowing:
Why? Taking responsibility is compassionate. An apology doesn’t have to contain remorse; instead, it is about acknowledging and caring for someone else’s experience.
I would also take the risk that in this case with the weather, it means that you are all going through something together – terrible weather. It creates a connection with just a few simple words, although it could have been achieved without a real apology by saying, “Terrible weather today!”
You can use too much responsibility to please people, neutralize bad feelings, and calm people down. But that’s all the good things he does.
It can cause excessive feelings of guilt.
The previous example shows that the person who is apologizing has a more serious motive and understanding of what they are doing. However, constant apologies can become intrusive. You are not in control, you simply feel chronic guilt for things that are legally outside your control. Guilt is only appropriate when you actually did something wrong.
Hendriksen says he treats some OCD clients who take responsibility at the expense of their lives. As an example, Hendriksen cites a patient who found it difficult to drive because he felt responsible for every uneven road. If guilt is getting in the way of your daily functioning, it might be time to find out where those feelings are coming from, perhaps with the help of a mental health professional.
When an apology is a means to avoid conflict
It’s kind of like on a fence; sometimes avoiding conflict is not only necessary but also less emotionally exhausting than apologizing if you haven’t done anything wrong. It may make sense for you to apologize to your boss for the mess so you can continue the meeting or apologize to someone who is angry that you bumped into them at the grocery store.
Sometimes, however, avoiding conflict with an apology becomes a pattern because you’re too scared to say how you really feel. This can be a problem, especially in close relationships:
In trying to keep the peace, we would rather take on more than our fair share of the burden, rather than dare to strike up a difficult conversation or, worse, confrontation involving anger or rejection. It is easier to expand our responsibilities than to risk upsetting or disappointing people we care about.
Sometimes an honest conversation is far more beneficial than an apology if you’re brave enough to admit it wasn’t your fault.
Taking responsibility makes you feel important
Admit it – there’s something pretty narcissistic about taking responsibility for everything. Are you omniscient? Omnipotent? You should be, if everything that happens on earth is connected with you. You may need this feeling of power in your life, but keep in mind how it can detract from the people around you and their free agency. A parent who never allows a child to take responsibility for his or her actions does not allow him to grow. A partner wallowing in guilt about accidentally choosing a lousy restaurant is a bad date. You can’t control everything, and probably no one you know wants you to be.
How to break a habit
If you see where too much responsibility hurts you, here are some ways to break the habit. Hendriksen recommends three strategies for learning healthy care and responding more realistically to situations:
Disclaimer
Look at the things in your life that you don’t need to be responsible for and hand over the reins. The best way to do this is through communication – the example Hendriksen cites – to make the teenage child understand that he is now responsible for getting to school on time, rather than just letting him sleep without warning:
Finally, when you give up, give up completely. It can be tempting to be a safety net or to manage from the outside, but trust that your loved one is capable and creative, even if he gets a few tardies before all the kinks are cleared out of the system.
Accept help
Help can be defined as delegating tasks to people who offer to participate, but also learning to accept “a compliment, take tomatoes from your neighbor’s garden without worrying about giving her a cucumber.” Think of it as sharing that sense of competence and the importance of responsibility, rather than burdening another.
Change your mindset to help others
This shift in thinking is key. You are helping someone by allowing them to take responsibility for their lives and behavior. And if you believe that sharing responsibility helps others, you will still feel important.
How to Stop Feeling Overly Responsible | Quick and dirty tips