Ask Permission Before Giving Advice to Your Teen
It can be very difficult to talk to teenagers. “How was your day?” “Fine.” “What have you learned today?” “Nothing.” “How are you …” “UM, HOW MUCH MORE QUESTIONS DO YOU ASK ME?”
But when it comes to giving advice to our teenage kids? Well, this can be a particularly difficult minefield to navigate.
We have so many tips for our children, especially when they reach adolescence. We remember what it was like to be in high school. We have the advantage both in retrospect and in the fully developed frontal lobe. Dude, the vast amount of wisdom we carry with us can solve the vast majority of their dilemmas.
Problem? They may not want to hear it. The # 1 most eye-rolling phrase that parents might say to their child is, “When I was a teenager …” because you were never a teenager; you are a boring parent and have always been a boring parent, and wow how limp you are trying to mend a relationship with her. (We were like that too, remember?)
But there may be a chance to share a tiny bit of that wisdom if you get it right. The first thing to do? Psychologist and writer Lisa Damour writes for the New York Times that you first need to ask permission.
The most powerful force in a normally developing adolescent can be the desire for independence. Unsolicited coaching – even if it is excellent and well-meaning – runs counter to youthfulness.
Easy fix? Before giving up knowledge to your child, ask permission. In practice, this can mean, “Hi, I found this interesting article on managing digital distractions. Want to take a look at this? “If you notice that your teen is grumbling about a problem for which you have a solution, try:” I have an idea that might help. Do you want to know what I think about? “
Damour offers additional advice for our teens: be self-aware enough to know what you don’t know, teach them to weigh their options (instead of telling them what you think they should do), and keep the conversations more general and less personal.
But starting by asking if your input is needed or needed is a good first step. It shows your child that you value their autonomy and therefore, in the end, you may have something to say.