Dating Can Get Better If We All Stop Writing.
One of the most exciting notifications you can receive on your phone is a new message from your beloved / current girlfriend. One of the most unsettling feelings is the anticipation of this notification. What if we just completely eliminated text messages in relationships?
This is exactly what the writer Clara Archwager did, as she explained in an essay for The Cut. Artschwager ran into someone by chance when texting became much more meaningful than they had anticipated. Deciding to try again, they came to a truly shocking agreement: no text messages. On each date, they planned the next date. If they needed to talk, they would call and text messages could be sent if you needed to warn someone that you were running late or confirm some other logistic details. But that’s all.
It is a shocking thing to stop communicating with the object of your desire. What would you do without anxious anticipation? Cute jokes inside? Sexting ? Sexting is essential to maintain zest in every way. Letting go of anything that seems like an impossible task.
However, by and large, texting hasn’t really been a part of courtship in a very long time. Psychologist Teresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. writes for Psychology Today that most of our interactions in nascent relationships were once largely face-to-face. Of course, sometimes you can wait by the phone or hope that the postman will deliver the letter soon, but there was no this constant (and instant) communication without real meetings.
Text messaging has both benefits and negative consequences. According to DiDonato, here are some of the pros:
Text messaging doesn’t require spontaneous wit; Text messages have time to think and carefully compose smart messages.
Text messages contain no non-verbal cues, which allows text messages to convey the message they want to send without worrying about unintentional non-verbal cues (sweaty hands, shaky voice, etc.) contaminating their message.
Text messaging is easy; personal conversations can be tricky.
It is true that for people who are very nervous about face-to-face communication, being able to think ahead about what you are saying can be very helpful. Just remember that in the end you will have to meet this person and it is very easy to get an idea of someone who is not who they really are when everything happens through text messages.
Here are some of the benefits of opting out of texting:
It is less distracting
DiDonato says that frustration with text messages reported by individuals includes feelings of “being overly dependent when texting gets in the way of other things, such as other relationships; performance of academic or professional duties, or even face-to-face meetings. “
Arschwager also writes that “the ‘good morning-how-it-was-good-night’ banter – and the constant distraction that accompanied them – was all out of sight” in her relationship, which seemed perfect. Both she and the person she was dating could focus on their life without talking or wondering when the next message would come. I wasn’t going to.
I recently met someone who came in a day or so before answering me. Obviously they didn’t like it! But those few weeks that we walked like that were maddening. Waiting, guessing, and checking my phone was incredibly distracting. Maybe it would be better if we had these ground rules. Although in this case, it may have taken me longer to understand the real message: they didn’t want to date me.
Less texting = less drama
This gives me another advantage. No texting, no drama. Just kidding, there is always potential for drama; just texting offers so many opportunities for misunderstandings and misunderstandings, as DiDonato says:
Text messages are often confusing. Without our non-verbal cues, messages can be misinterpreted or misinterpreted, leading to uncertainty and anxiety. ( He just wrote, “Hello.” What does that mean? )
Who did not understand every syllable in the text exchange of a friend with his new lover, helping them to torment over any punctuation marks? It can be a fun way to pass the time or a psychological minefield. The lack of text messages means that you have nothing to analyze and most of your interaction is face-to-face. What a relief.
You create (good) space
Arschwager says that since she and her new boyfriend stopped texting, they had time to actually miss each other. This made the days when they were actually together a revelation:
I spent my days exactly as I saw fit, and while I did, my mind was not filled with concern about when he would write to me or should I write to him; my hand reflexively did not reach for the phone more than a dozen times a day. This anxiety was replaced by expectation: I was excited, telling him about everything I read, saw and did. I had so many questions for him: how was his week? How did he write? What did he eat? What did he read? There was a lot to talk about.
When you’re feeling lonely, bored, or just need attention, it can be fun to have a texting companion. It’s also nice to have something to talk to with the person you are dating, whom you haven’t covered yet, while continuously texting every second you were apart.
On the other hand, avoiding difficult conversations can ruin a relationship, or at least limit its development. People may be less likely to become ghosts if they can’t just text you less and less until they don’t reply at all.
You are forced to say difficult things in person
This may be good, this is good or bad, but the fact is that many people use text to say difficult things. Like breaks. Roughly one in five text messages was thrown in this way, although most people agree that this is an unacceptable way to end a relationship. DiDonato says that using texts to discuss difficult issues is a way to avoid real growth:
While technology can help avoid difficult personal conversations, such conversations often make sense to have in person, despite the discomfort they can bring. At the very least, they provide opportunities for growth and better meet society’s expectations of how the gap should occur.
You can’t get people to act right in a relationship, but saying “don’t text messages” is one way to create a precedent when all the important things happen in person. Text is just filler.