Let Your Child Hate Their Newborn Brother or Sister
So, readers, I’m pregnant! Third trimester. Boy. Current physical condition: low and slow. I am excited, a little depressed and I can feel all the feelings.
Upon hearing the news of our new kit, many friends wanted to know how my 5-year-old daughter reacted. “Maggie must be so excited!” they exclaim. To which I answer: “… Eh. “
The child never really wanted to have a brother or sister. Sure, at times she felt left out when all of her high school friends tell stories about their babies, referencing their tiny siblings at home, but she’s a discerning child and fully understands how sweet it is to be the only recipient of her parents’ attention (and no less 80% of their purchases on Amazon).
When she found out that she would soon have a younger brother, she was skeptical at first. “Are you true?” she asked.
And then she went mad.
At various points in the past six months, she has exploded with certain anxieties that she has had.
“When I’m in kindergarten, you will have so much fun with the baby without me.” (Um, “fun” is not how I would describe caring for a newborn.)
“All my baby videos will be replaced with a new baby!” ( No way.)
“When we watch scary movies, the child will sit on your lap, and dad will say that I am too big for his knees, and I DON’T DIRECT!” (Probably true.)
“When I leave for college, the child will stay at home and play with you!” (And he’ll hate it.)
She obviously thought about it a lot.
My husband and I tried to allay her fears. We have read all the books in the library on how to become a big sister and how she is going to get a new role. We give her a journal that records the child’s milestones. And we talked about how we will still have a special solo and that we love her so much and that will never change.
But when I watch her struggle with her feelings, I realize that the biggest thing I can do to help her is let her hate the baby. Or take offense at him. Or feel how she wants to feel about this new person who will inevitably shake up her world.
“Most of us expect some jealousy when a new sibling comes along, but we still insist on a basic level of love,” writes early childhood expert Heather Schumaker in her book Don’t Share and Other Rules of Apostasy for Raising Competent and compassionate children . “ When we hear our children express fickle emotions about a new sibling, she explains that our instinct might be something like, “Deep down, you love him.”
It’s useless. Because maybe they don’t – at least not yet. “Siblings will discover affection in due course,” she writes. “You cannot make love, so don’t demand it. Don’t even expect it. It can make your child feel inferior and possibly afraid of losing your love. “
Sure, you want to show your love to everyone in the family, she suggests, but don’t expect an older brother or sister to reflect your feelings. Instead, clarify the problem (“You are angry and want him to leave”) and allow your children to express themselves in nonviolent ways, such as drawing a picture or writing an angry note. “It’s much better for a child to say, ‘I hate my brother,’ than to pretend to be affectionate,” explains Schumaker.
I appreciated that reminder as I watched Maggie make this big life transition. I tell her that it’s okay to be upset, insecure, or sad – so can I sometimes. It was a constant conversation.
And lately it has been changing.
I see glimpses of her warming up throughout the situation every day. Once, when I was picking her up from school, she, as always, gave me the art projects that she did that day. She made some lanterns from paper bags (or maybe they were octopus handcuffs, I’m not entirely sure). “This is for you,” she said. “This is for dad.” And then she gave me the last one.
“This is for the little brother.”
I melted.
And then at night, when we snuggled up to each other in her bed, she began to talk to the baby, slipping under my night muumuu (don’t ask) and whispered: “Baby, does it stink there?” And then she giggles. I see the beginning of a union, and I am overwhelmed with joy and fear.
I may not know what their relationship will look like, and there is no need to. I’m just happy to watch this unfold.