I’m W. Garth Callaghan, “Napkin Daddy,” and “This Is How I Parent.”
Ever since his daughter Emma was in elementary school, W. Garth Callaghan has written inspirational quotes and bits of paternal wisdom on napkins and put notes in her lunchbox. It became their feature, their way of connecting. He wanted to make sure Emma could read her father’s notes every school day before graduation – even if they were no longer around to write them.
Callaghan has been diagnosed with cancer five times since 2011. He believed that these napkin scraps might end up being the only thing Emma would leave of him. He wrote his memoir Napkins, Make Dinner Meaningful, Life Will Follow , which Reese Witherspoon adapts for the film. As he prepares to send Emma to college this fall, Callaghan reflects on his parents.
Name: W. Garth Callaghan Location: Richmond, VA Job: Napkins Notes Dad and author Family: Lissa’s wife and daughter Emma (18)
Tell us how Napkins started.
When Emma was younger, I worked in a normal office setting and missed eight to ten hours of her day. I wanted to interact with her more than my schedule would allow, so I started writing notes on napkins and sticking them on her lunch when she was in kindergarten. Sometimes I threw in a cookie or candy to make her dinner special. I wasn’t sure what mattered to her, a note or a treat.
When Emma was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I cooked her lunch in the kitchen while sipping my morning cup of coffee. I haven’t written a note yet. Emma grabbed her lunch bag, looked inside, came up to me and asked, “A note on napkins?” It was then that I realized that this was important to her and made a commitment to put a note in every meal.
I have been diagnosed with cancer five times. The first diagnosis appeared unexpectedly and turned our world upside down. After my third diagnosis in 2013, I promised to write out all the napkin scraps that Emma would need before she graduated from high school.
I’m by no means perfect, and there have been days when life just didn’t work in my favor. I took the note to school several times. You know how embarrassing it is to ask the headmaster, “Could you put this note in Emma’s lunch bag?”
Tell us about your morning routine. What are your best tricks to get out the door?
I have been taking chemotherapy every day for over four years. My brain is strong after chemotherapy and I forget things easily. The key to a successful morning is planning, which begins the night before. I am revising my schedule as well as my family schedule. I stick to the same routine every day, so I’m less likely to forget something.
When everyone is in tune, I take a few minutes and write at least 800 words before I get to work.
How much outside help do you get as a parent? Who or what cannot you live without?
I would like to think that we do not need more help than any other typical family, but I know that my health affects our lives so much that it is impossible to survive alone. Our friends and church family members come up to help with moving together, delivering egg drop soup when I feel sick, picking up recipes or groceries, and even clearing out our yard. I am happy to say that we do not need to rely on everyone all the time, but we could not have achieved this without this strong circle of support.
What gadgets, apps, charts, or tools do you rely on?
I am a self-proclaimed geek and I love gadgets. I can’t remember everything I need, so my Google Pixel never fades out of sight. I love the pictures this phone takes! I use Wunderlist for tasks (chemotherapy!) And Evernote for cataloging. I keep all of my medical records in Evernote, so they are available to me at any time. I keep track of health problems with the help of PatientsLikeMe, to help patients with cancer of the kidneys.
Has the way you work changed the way you become a parent?
When I became a parent, I realized that work is important, but not as important as raising the next generation. I work to be a dad who never misses a softball game. There was a time when I traveled quite a lot for work and wrote notes on napkins before every trip, so Emma always had a note for lunch.
How do you like your evening routine?
Fatigue is the biggest side effect of my treatment and I really need to relax after 19:00. During the school year, we were often on the football field until late at night, and I wasted time on my favorite thing: rooting for Emma and her team. Now that we have a constant off-season, I’m an avid reader and try to read a few chapters of something. I am at the center of Carol Dweck’s thinking . Next is Neil Stevenson’s Cryptonomicon .
How do you unpack?
I love to play video games. I play any version of Halo on my XBOX One and I play Star Wars Galaxies on my PC.
I mean, I’m an avid gym lover too, but I’m not as good as I should be. My oncologist told me today that I should act like I’m training for a marathon and encouraged me to step up my game.
What are you most proud of as a parent?
The only moment ??? I can not. I just can not. I cry, even remembering all the moments that I can easily list. Like …
… the time when Emma was an incredibly kind and gentle coach playing Buddy Ball with a team of people with special needs.
… The time that the irresistible earthling hit Emma at a short stop, she caught him and effortlessly passed him to the third baseman without even looking at where the player was.
… The time when I asked her if it was possible to write a very personal book about our life, and she eagerly replied: “Oh Dad, I want you to write this book!”
What moment are you least proud of?
Emma was about 18 months old and was jumping on the bed. I told her to stop jumping there. Why did I do this? Did it matter that she jumped on the bed? I lost my composure and told her that if she jumped on the bed, I would spank her. She stopped, looked me straight in the eyes, and jumped a little more. What could I do? We sat together in her room, we both cried, and I hit her in the ass once with enough force to break my heart.
What do you want your child to learn from your example?
I want Emma to know the value of trying and failing, then trying better and failing.
What are your favorite funny / weird / special family rituals?
We have this weirdness due to the oversupply of fall production. We collect pumpkins at the All You Can Carry pumpkin patch and have refined the art of carrying more pumpkins that we can use remotely for as little as $ 10. (The trick is to load the first layer of pumpkin with the stem down.) We also pick our own apples from the Charlottesville orchard. Collected so much that I had to make two trips by car! I think our family record was over £ 70.
One very funny, strange thing about us and our dear friends: we sing a song about diarrhea together, but only on a hike. I don’t think we have ever had intestinal problems, but this song is fun to sing by the fire.
Has anyone ever given you parenting advice that you really liked?
Rachel Macy Stafford wrote an article on the six most important words you can say to your child, and I took this advice to heart. This immediately changed my point of view, and I began to practice it at the very next softball game I attended.
Six words: “I love watching you play.”
What’s the hardest part about being a parent?
Learn to play well in front of your child.
What’s your favorite part of the day?
I know it will be corny, but every part of the day. I have metastatic kidney cancer, and the chance of a cure is almost zero. When someone asks me how I’m doing, I always say, “Every day on this side of the grass is a good day,” and I truly mean it.
How can parents find ways to communicate with their children?
Find a little thing, a ritual that will only be between you and your child. It could have been anything! Try flying paper airplanes from a second-floor window, wearing the same T-shirt as in the movies, learning your favorite story verbatim, or learning to dance in tandem, like in the movie Big .
Any other wisdom you would like to share?
Write a note on a napkin. You can use a sticker or plain paper and put it in a safe place if you are not packing your lunch. Last year I wrote about 180 notes on napkins for Emma. Five of them were super successful and were brought home to be posted on the kitchen billboard or on Emma’s dresser.
I put this one in her car seat one morning and it stayed on her dresser all year:
Yes, and your kids know exactly when you look at your phone during a game / meeting / performance. Do not think that you are cheating them even a little.