The Best Way to Ask for a Favor
So you need help. It’s okay, we all need a hand sometimes. The problem is that many of us don’t know how to ask, so we don’t know. Well, according to a social psychologist, here’s the easiest and most effective way to ask for a favor.
Heidi Grant , author of Reinforcement: How To Get People To Help You , tells The Verge that the most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to ask for help. We tend to think that people will turn down our requests or think less of us, so we don’t ask for help as often as we should. However, according to research, people love us more when we ask for help . But how do you do this so that they really get the job done?
Pick one person to ask
Grant says it’s best to ask one person rather than a group. Turning to a group leads to the phenomenon of “diffusion of responsibility”, when no one feels that they should help, because they think that someone else will do it. Pick someone you think can help you the most, or at least send individual requests to multiple people at once instead of dropping a line in a group chat.
Make it clear that you need help and be specific
People are afraid of offending others with unwanted help, so make it clear that you are asking for help, not just saying. Also make sure your request is very specific. Don’t be vague about what you need, and never start a conversation with a phrase like “Can you do me a favor?” Grant says it’s manipulative because it forces someone to make a decision before you tell them what you need. Simple “Can you help me with [a specific case]?” I’ll do it.
Give them a timeline and a way out
Okay, this is my advice, not Grant’s advice, but it’s still important. When asking for help, give the person some kind of time frame or soft deadline. Floating phrases like “when you can” or “if you have a second” place a burden on the person who is already doing you a favor. It may seem polite to you to let them choose, but it’s actually a little rude because you’re putting even more pressure on them. You say, “Hey, I need your help, but I also want you to figure out when I need it,” which adds to the stress. Now they have another abstract case that weighs them down. It’s okay to ask when they are available, but it helps them know when you really need help. For example: “Can you help me with [a specific case] this afternoon? I hope to complete this today. “
It’s also nice to offer them a way out if you know they are busy. This ensures that your request for help does not feel like a demand. Do it in style.
Do not apologize
When you ask for help, you can apologize for wasting their time and energy. Do not. This is a bad idea, according to Grant, because humiliating yourself makes the other person feel less joyful in helping you. Many of us apologize too much anyway .
Don’t be afraid to come back to people
Grant wants people to know about an unused help resource: people who have refused to help us in the past. Just because someone hasn’t helped you before doesn’t mean that they won’t help you now. In fact, research shows they are more likely to help. Why? Because they want to feel better about rejecting you earlier and “building a relationship.” So find someone who hasn’t helped or couldn’t help before and ask again.
All of the interviews with Grant are worth reading, so be sure to check them out at the link below.
Social Psychologist Explains Why Seek Help More Frequently | Facets