How to Be Less Distracted by Children
You want to be more present for your children, interacting with them in terms of intent and connection, rather than distractions and knee reflexes. But more often than you would like to admit, you are bored or preoccupied, sneak a glance at your phone, flip through a list of everything you need to do, or just want your child to hurry up and finish this never-ending story.
I understand. I am really. It can be difficult for our children to be real. Sometimes it’s hard because the present moment sucks. It can be boring (gutters and stairs, whoever?), Infuriating (WEAR THE FUCKING SHOES ALREADY), and damn confusing (Why is the baby crying again ?!).
And sometimes it’s difficult because we are distracted by a buzzing smartphone or a buzzing in our own mind. When this happens, we’re more likely to snap at our kids, spill blueberries, or ruin the moment in any number of ways. We are also more likely to react due to useless habits, strong feelings, or childhood memories that we are not even aware of.
However, it is worth working on because every time we appear with full awareness, we do our best to achieve the right parenting (whatever that means). Our responses to everything that happens to our children, whether cool or terrible, will be more compassionate and effective, and parenting will be easier and more enjoyable when we are fully around.
Here are some ways to stay in the present moment even when the present moment is not where you want to be.
Do one thing at a time
At the risk of stating the obvious, you simply cannot be present for something if you are simultaneously trying to do something else. Multitasking is a myth, so let it go. Pick one thing to focus on; sometimes it will be your children, but not always.
Practice when it’s easy
Paying attention is a skill we can practice, which means that the more we do it, the better we do it. Pick one or two activities that you do every day that you enjoy (showering, drinking coffee, reading a book to a cozy child, staring at the wall, etc.), and just be present as much as possible. When your mind wanders, notice that it is lost and return your attention to coffee, a child, or whatever. Each time you do this, it becomes a little easier for you to stay on top of everything that comes up, including the aisle 2 crash at the grocery store.
Put your phone down
Don’t just put it off. Get it out of the room. Research has shown that this damn thing nearby – even if it’s off – distracts us. Not only will you survive the separation (I promise), but you will also win the Connect Four when you’re not tempted to sneak a glance (or openly stare) at this tiny screen.
Turn off notifications
If you can’t bring yourself to put your phone in another room, at least turn off all unnecessary notifications. Your phone should be lit, beep and beep only for phone calls and text messages. That’s all. Unless you’re a fucking president, you really don’t need to know when an email hits your inbox or when the Times drops its last headline.
Go slow
While it is possible to stay in the present while you rush through life, it is not easy. Try to notice when you are in a hurry and slow down whenever possible. Spoiler alert: You can slow down more often than you think, and parenting is more fun when you don’t constantly pick on kids to hurry up.
Tell us about your experience
This is useful advice when it is very difficult for you to stay around. Just say what you are doing, silently or out loud. “I open the closet, grab the box of Mac N Cheese and put it back on the stove.” Like this. Simple, but not always easy, especially if you have to tell your way through anxiety-filled teenage tirade (which is why it helps to practice when it’s easy).
Find something to be grateful for
To find something to truly appreciate, you need to step out of your spinning brain and return to the present moment, be it superabsorbent diapers or the GPS tracking app on your son’s smartphone. At the very least, you can be grateful that you are still breathing. Speaking of which …
Breathe on purpose
Take a few slow, deep breaths, or try counting breaths from 1 to 10 and then repeat. Choose any breathing exercise you like, as long as you breathe and pay attention to your breathing. Each time you do this, you calm your nervous system and return to the present moment.
Take time not to be present
It is impossible and undesirable to pay constant attention to children. You need physical and mental space, and when you intentionally carve out that space for yourself on a regular basis, it will be easier for you to show up for them when they really need you. Sometimes it means sharing childcare responsibilities with a spouse, parenting partner, or friend, and sometimes it just means not getting yourself involved in their creative play or foam sword fighting so you can relax in another room.
Go to sleep
The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain that regulates our attention, is also the first to turn off when we’re exhausted. It is incredibly difficult to be present when you are awake. Try not to worry about this; relax and do whatever you can to get some sleep.