Where to Get Help If You’re Struggling to Find Love, Sex, and Companionship
You can trace much, if not most, of what is happening in the culture with words that people choose to hide their most terrifying and terrible instincts. And right now, there are a few self-selected labels with worse meaning than “involuntarily chastity” or “insel.”
The online communities of people – mostly straight, especially whites – who respond to this description are hopelessly toxic as they are captivated by an ideology that claims that women and children are rightfully the physical property of men and should be used for their own purposes. … ( Congressional candidate and forum founder incel Nathan Larson , for example, publicly promotes child molestation.) It has fueled a host of massacres, such as the mass shooting of Elliot Roger in 2014 and the car massacre this year by Alec Minasyan. Incels are known for their support and implementation of this type of violence, as well as campaigning for harassment and abuse against women.
The experience of the failure to establish an intimate relationship there is nothing that could be to have anything to do with it. Those who consider themselves unwittingly celibate, as the term has come to be used, are not just people unable to find love, sex, and companionship; they are misogynists who, by definition, do not try to build healthy relationships. However, by appropriating the very concept of involuntary chastity, they made it incredibly difficult to even discuss a very broad and very real problem: what to do for people who want sex and intimacy and do not know how to find them?
If you are the type of person who worries that they will never find romantic or sexual satisfaction, the first thing to do is simply realize that you are not alone, whoever you are. The struggle for closeness is experienced by people of any gender, orientation and nationality. In fact, the first known online community dedicated to forced celibacy (a term originally meant to describe in a neutral manner the inability to find sexual or romantic partners) was a mailing list created by a woman, and it was all-encompassing and reassuring. The founder, whose name is only Alana, recently shared the community’s origin story on the Answer All podcast .
She also spoke to the community about the underlying issue. According to her, “there was a lot of sympathy, but in fact no one had the answers.”
People respected Alana, but she had no preparation and felt unable to meet their needs. Therefore, she left the community. Many people have done the same when they solved their dating problems by not staying around to help others. The rest of the members tried to keep out the more toxic members, but the ones they turned away from created their own spaces, spreading misogyny and bitterness. Over the years, this new Insel culture has distorted the original forum.
After seeing this rotten culture fueling so much violence and hatred, Alana is now working on Love Not Anger , an inclusive, supportive community with volunteers and experts. The site is still under construction as Alana gathers volunteers. Until the community kicks off, here are the steps to consider if you’re looking for love, sex, and companionship and aren’t sure you’ll ever find them.
Realize that you cannot be disliked or shied away from.
Dr. Faith J. Harper , a therapist and board-certified sexologist, tells Lifehacker that she often sees clients (many of whom are women) who feel unloved or disgusting. “I’m talking about people who, if you met, you would say:“ You are so funny and cute! “”
Dr. Harper blames a lot of violence and venomous attitudes on a society that discourages men from showing any weakness or sensitivity. When sadness and vulnerability are not appropriate, many single men turn to anger and aggression. It’s important to learn to feel frustrated and alone without feeling empowered or aggressive. And part of that process involves realizing that you are not uniquely doomed.
I want to make something clear: there are many poor, conventionally unattractive, botanical people who never sleep alone. They have sex not only with beautiful ones. This does not mean finding perfection – it means finding people who will like you and love them.
Find a therapist or affordable alternative
Alana, who launched the original incel forum, was herself an insel. In the end, she said, she was able to overcome her loneliness with the help of a psychologist. “If you’ve been single for a long time, it’s time to see a psychologist or therapist who can help you understand why,” she wrote in an email to Lifehacker. “The counseling has helped me develop the social skills and emotional awareness needed to respectfully and successfully meet people.”
Therapy doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, especially if you open up your options. We’ve written about several free and cheap forms of therapy , including therapists in colleges, community centers, and churches; helplines; and online consultation. More recently, we have listed free and cheap online resources and provided links to several external therapeutic resource lists . We’ve also discussed the benefits and limitations of multiple app – based and in-person options.
“Therapy has to be combined like any other relationship,” says Dr. Harper. Find a therapist whose worldview matches yours. If your religion or your politics are extremely important to you, find someone who is compatible with them. Also ask about their approaches (which most therapists list on their websites or online directories), such as behavioral therapy or psychoanalysis. She says that if your therapist is not working for you, you should change. “A lot of people come to me who think they have failed in therapy, but in fact the therapy has failed them.”
According to Dr. Harper, the typical therapist is not trained specifically to deal with people who simply cannot find intimate relationships. “We don’t teach this in our master’s programs, in our doctoral programs.” Meanwhile, she sees this problem appearing in more and more clients, especially among people with autism and young clients “raised in front of screens” who have not been sufficiently taught how to establish and maintain intimate relationships. If you can, seek out a therapist who specializes in physical intimacy. Dr. Harper, for example, is board certified by the American College of Sexologists , which recognizes certifications from a variety of study programs .
See a surrogate mother
Some therapists can help you work with a surrogate partner who can help you develop a romantic relationship. Working with a surrogate mother is atypical and it may sound strange, but hey, sex is already weird. A surrogate relationship can include sex, but it also includes things like conversation, non-sexual intimacy and even breakup, because, as Dr. Harper says, “You can’t stay with a surrogate partner forever.” Surrogacy is a guided practice that is overseen by your therapist, who speaks to both you and the surrogate during the relationship to help you explore your feelings and work towards becoming a better potential partner. “Clients begin to trust and care for surrogate partners with whom they share honesty, closeness and meaningful emotional work,” the Association of Professional Surrogate Mothers explained. (You can read a first-person report on working with a sex surrogate at Salon.)
Build your friendship
Failure to find sex and companionship is often accompanied by other forms of loneliness or social isolation. The classic dating advice “just go out and meet new people” can become a viable plan if you start with group activities. Find local meetings, library groups, and other organizations that are just hanging out and sharing their business. “We have a large group in San Antonio where people can just go to the movies together,” says Dr. Harper.
Work on your friendship. In many ways, they represent a lower version of romantic relationships, and until you learn how to be friends, it will be difficult for you to navigate other, more intense relationships. Non-romantic friendships are essential to happiness, even if you have a fantastic romantic relationship. Most happy couples would be unhappy if they spent all their time together and not with other people.
This friendship-based approach to romance is very different from the pick-up community, which focuses on getting sex. They try to impose one specific path to intimacy, which in turn encourages participants to treat people like goals rather than people. But in the rest of the world, most people meet each other through mutual friends, work colleagues, and other non-romantic situations. Think of your social life as a pyramid that you are building from scratch.
You can not treat friendship as only a step on the path to sex and relationships. If you find it difficult to separate friendship from sex, or if you are used to seeing an entire class of people only as potential sexual partners, then you will have to rethink the situation. It’s not that you can’t find love until you stop looking. The point is, you cannot find love if that is the only thing you are looking for. Fortunately, once you become friends, you can talk to them about this very issue.
Stay online
You can of course try dating online, where the goals of sex and relationships can be pretty clear. But (as many complain bitterly) Tinder is not an Uber for sex. You still need to maintain a relationship with someone who wants respect and camaraderie.
App dating is as “real” as personal dating, and you can ask your therapist to help you with that. Dr. Harper advises his clients to be thoughtful and creative when speaking through the app, and not to overload it, which can lead to frustration. “It’s important to remember that some apps, by their very nature, have a huge impact on self-esteem, especially for men,” she says. “If your self-image is already shaky, it won’t help.” She warns against lying in the app that can backfire. “It also really helps to be on sites that better suit your interests. If you like perversion , you’ll be better off on FetLife than on Match. “
In general, your internet connection is not your enemy. While Alana is still building Love Not Anger, the MensLib subreddit is already helping men face the gender issues that affect them by recognizing the challenges society creates for men without blaming women. (Check out their sidebar to find links to other related subreddity.) For Relationship Advice Alan recommends column ” Ask Dr. NerdLove» on our subsidiary site Kotaku, especially in this recent article . (Lifehacker We also have a lot of advice on relationships .) Even the online community that has no relationship to a date, can be a good place to establish friendly relations and seek advice. Join small Facebook subreddits or groups based on what really interests you, or join specialized sites like DeviantArt , NaNoWriMo , FlyerTalk , Vinyl Collective, or Previously.TV .
Dr. Harper even suggests joining an RPG forum where people act out romantic fantasies, both to satisfy and develop relationship skills at lower stakes. As always, if you are worried about doing this alone, you can ask your therapist for advice.
Get more non-sexual touches
While it is natural to hire a sex worker, Dr. Harper suggests considering non-sexual forms of touching, such as massage. You can find your local massage provider on Yelp, Foursquare, or Google Maps. These are, of course, non-sexual services (the ones that provide a happy ending do not usually show up on Yelp), and it is highly inappropriate to offer sexual advances to your masseuse / masseuse. (This does happen and clients tend to be kicked out. This behavior is sexual harassment and possibly assault, definitely.) You may be surprised how much tension a trained massage therapist can relieve without any sexual touch.
You can attend a hugging party, a meeting for talking and non-sexual touching, under the supervision of a facilitator. CuddleParty.com explains details and lists events in several states, as well as Canada, the United Kingdom, Ireland and Australia.
When it comes to getting out, there is nothing wrong with “solo sex,” says Dr. Harper; masturbation is not the lowest form of sex. This is good because, as she often tells her clients, no one owes you sex. This is what you do with someone, not with them. But by building friendships, finding healthier communities, or talking to a counselor, you’re much more likely to find someone who’s damn happy to do it with you.
Editor’s Note: This article has been substantially revised since its original publication to better distinguish between incels and those struggling to find love, sex, and companionship.