How to Really Listen in a Conversation
Listen: the poor fellow speaks. But it will be your turn to pay attention to someone else’s blah blah. Here’s how to be the listener you would like to talk to.
Cash Nickerson is the author of The Listener Samurai , which is a mixture of business advice and listening practice that draws heavily on Western thinking about the samurai way. Fast Company interviewed Nickerson for some simple tips on how to improve your ability to not just hear what people are saying, but actually listen .
Get off your phone
This is basic politeness, but if someone talks to you and you scroll through Instagram, you don’t pay attention. Much of our communication comes from more than words, and you don’t notice enough of someone to grasp the implications. If they are not on the phone either – in which case, I think they are probably saying that they also do not want to have this conversation.
Keep your opinion to yourself
Certainly not forever. But when you are discussing something, you really won’t be able to understand what the other person is saying unless you can first give up your ideas about what they are saying. There are some opinions that I personally never want to give up, but if you want to truly understand someone’s point of view, sitting to the end without being distracted will help.
“Listening helps you deal with conflict, show respect and be a better leader,” Nickerson says. “Unfortunately most people don’t remember because they don’t hear it at all.”
An article in Psychology Today says something similar, describing it as “a conscious decision to contribute.” You’re guiding someone to find out more, not shutting it down:
A good listener is safe enough to rationally decide whether to add information in a given situation, or simply listen and perhaps ask additional questions. Don’t let your desire impress what is best for the interaction and the desired outcome. In the right situation, restraint can be just as persuasive. Do you only add content to a conversation when it’s wise?
You? Or are you just listening to gain momentum to talk?
Read between the lines
Another thing Psychology Today mentioned is the importance of noticing what is not being said. They give an example of a conversation with someone who never wants to discuss a personal relationship, but is always ready to talk about work. It’s kind of a red flag if you’re out on a date, but great if you’re looking for a business partner. And if, say, you were an investigative reporter, you would probably have noticed the topics that your subject was constantly turning away from and moved more actively in those directions.
Most of us do not conduct interrogations, but nonetheless, there is a lot to learn about someone based on what they avoid talking about. Listen to the silence.
Working on understanding
Many misunderstandings can be avoided by asking a few simple questions. If you’re not one hundred percent sure what someone is saying, try rephrasing it and ask what they mean. You won’t look stupid – you will look like you don’t give a shit. That’s all most people want.
Get to the core
Once you have a grasp of the facts, you need to understand why someone shared them. This is what I personally do when interviewing a person for a story or even when I’m on a date: I analyze what they are saying at the moment, but instead of responding with my own opinion, I double check.
“You said A and B. Does that mean you believe C?”
This gives them the opportunity to clarify or agree. People rarely tell you stories for no reason. Finding out what this reason is is a difficult task.
Keep trying
This all sounds boring. This! Active listening is an honed skill that you can use or not. There are also whole courses on listening , because not everyone you listen to can speak well. Sometimes people are boring, wandering and distracted. But sometimes they have useful information. You must know how to extract it.
Know when to quit
Sometimes you just can’t listen! I can’t pay attention to someone when I’m hungry, exhausted, or stressed, and all three of these things can come up in a long conversation. Sunny Sea Gold wrote in Scientific American that her husband accused her of not listening well. She interviewed psychology researcher John Stewart, author of U & Me: Communicating in Moments That Matter, in an effort to improve the situation. Stewart said it is very important to know when you can no longer pay attention:
“Genuine listening requires humility and curiosity — and neither can be successfully faked,” Stewart says. If you’re feeling bad, in a rush, in a hurry, or too stressed, you won’t be able to truly be present and curious about a conversation, especially a tough one.
Convincing someone to pause is a different skill than listening, but here’s what you can say:
“I think this conversation is important, but I need time to give it my full attention.”
And if someone doesn’t get it, that’s the one who needs to work to listen.