How to Have BDSM Sex Safely and by Mutual Consent
This week, New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman was charged by four women with physical assault during sex. Schneiderman responded by saying that the blows, strangulation and slaps he is accused of were part of a twisted “role-playing”. All four women say they never agreed to this behavior. (Schneiderman has since retired.)
Regardless of whether Schneiderman actually played out the roles, this case opens up a vital conversation about consent, especially in the context of kink and BDSM. Here’s what you need to know to get it right.
Consent is non-negotiable
If you want to have sex with other people, you must practice consent. Period. You need to make sure that your partner is fully attuned to intimate relationship with you the way you want, and vice versa.
Consent is an integral part of BDSM
There is a myth that people who do kink and BDSM are wild and unrestricted. After the release of Fifty Shades of Gray, when perversion and the dominance / submission game became much more popular, this myth has perpetuated. More and more people are casually practicing kink and BDSM without doing proper research.
In fact, consent is one of the hallmarks of kink and BDSM. People who identify as part of these communities tend to have a subtle awareness of the importance and nuances of consent. They understand that playing with pain and strength dynamics requires a lot of responsibility and caution. (More on that in a minute.) If you want to do kink or BDSM properly, you must follow suit.
Basics of consent
Here are some important ground rules for obtaining consent to follow:
- Your partner should be clear about their desire to have sex with you. In other words, the absence of no is not yes.
- Your partner must consent to all activities that you have done together. Saying “yes” to intercourse does not mean that someone also answers “yes” to punches to the face.
- I like to use the term “enthusiastic consent,” which means that not only is your partner willing to participate in these activities with you, but they are also excited about it.
- Your partner agrees voluntarily, without pressure or coercion.
- Consent can be revoked at any time.
Consent can be sexual
Some people fear that talking about consent “kills the mood.” But agreeing doesn’t necessarily mean sitting down and drafting a legal contract with your partner! Describing in detail what you want to do with each other can be incredibly erotic. (And hey, if you find the contract erotic, there is more power for you.)
Know your ropes
As I mentioned above, a lot more people have experimented with kink and BDSM after 50 shades of gray. This is amazing! But it is also important to understand that perversion comes with great responsibility. Playing with pain and domination requires education and skill. Strangulation is a good example. Choking someone in bed may seem like a relatively straightforward endeavor, but there is actually a lot of technique behind it. There are certain ways in which you want to hold your hand, and certain parts of your neck that you can and cannot put any pressure on. (In case you’re wondering, you always want to gently squeeze the sides of the neck, but never the front.) If you want to engage in pain play, dominate your partner, or use props, be sure to research first. Don’t ask for consent for activities you don’t know how to do safely.
Continue to register
It is important to continue to pay attention to your partner, even if he has agreed to something. Your partner might enthusiastically agree to try something with you, but then wouldn’t feel so enthusiastic when the two of you were in the middle of it. Watch your partner’s body language, facial expressions and eye contact, and of course, listen to their words. If you suspect that your partner is uncomfortable, talk to him. Ask how they are doing. Ask if they need anything from you. Ask if they want to continue or switch to something else.
Be careful with alcohol
Alcohol can make it much harder to have the mature adult conversation you need to have sex. If you are having sex with your partner for the first few times, try to keep your alcohol consumption to a minimum.
If you play with pain or use restraints or other serious equipment, I highly recommend staying sober. As a recipient, it is important to be able to pay attention to your body’s signals and communicate to your partner when you are nearing your limit. As a giver, you must be attuned to your partner’s experiences and must be clear enough to know how to untie restrictions or gag.
At the end of the day, agreement isn’t really all that difficult. Treat yourself and your partners with care and respect, and be the sexual partner you want in return.