How to Express Condolences Without Sounding Like an Ass
If you’re not careful, your well-meaning condolences can make you seem like a complete idiot. The trick to expressing genuine empathy for the bereaved is to know what to avoid while you are giving support. These are the seven big prohibitions.
Do not compare
You’ve probably experienced a loss in your life, or at least know someone who has experienced a loss, but never compare it to your own experience. April Mazini , an etiquette and relationship expert, explains to the New York Times that it’s vital that you don’t talk about yourself. Not when – something to say – something like “I know how you feel.” This is a serious attempt at empathy, but it downplays their feelings, which are much more important now. Plus, you don’t know how they feel. Your experience of loss does not mean that you know all the intricacies of their relationship with the deceased. It’s not the same, so don’t pretend it is.
Don’t say it’s for the best
You are not the creator of the universe and you are not part of the grand scheme of the future, so do not imply that death was for the better or that it is some kind of “blessing.” How could you know that? You can not. Even if the deceased suffered, it is still tasteless. According to Diane Gottsman, founder of the Texas Protocol School, comments like this are trivial and indifferent. Basically, you are saying that their death is “good,” which is completely disrespectful. Let them make their own conclusions about the event.
Don’t impose religion on people
“Keep your positive religious views to yourself, unless you know they share the same view,” says psychologist Amy Olshever . You can mean good things by saying something like, “They are in heaven now” or “They are in a better place,” but this is only true if the grieving person believes it. This also happens in the opposite direction. If you know that the bereaved child is religious but you are not religious, you don’t need to say what you don’t believe in. This is disingenuous and may seem rude.
Don’t rely on social media
Facebook makes it easy to send condolences to someone, but not for all situations. First, such comments can often be viewed as self-serving. It is not so much about comforting the bereaved as about being seen, comforting the bereaved. If you’re going to be using social media, at least write something more personal, like a phone call or letter. Also, before you say anything, make sure the victim has written publicly about the death! Otherwise, you can break the news with your message or get someone to talk about something they don’t want to share.
Don’t just send a text message or email
Look, most of the communication between family and friends these days is through text messages or email. But some events still require a real phone call or – ah! – personal conversation. Call first. If they don’t reply, please leave a message for them. Hearing someone’s voice is much more comforting than reading text. You can leave additional text to offer support at this stage if you feel the need to do so.
Better yet, send them a written note or a condolence card . It feels more personal and sincere, and it allows them to read and respond to messages at their own pace. They’ll be bothered by calls and texting, so give them something tangible to hold and read when they need to know that people care about them.
Don’t use meaningless cliches
Some cliches are hard to avoid when expressing condolences, but at least avoid those that are florid forms of expressing the obvious . Phrases such as “They are in the world now,” or “It was their time,” or “I know this is hard for you,” are not very helpful or supportive. If you’re unsure of what to say, Olshever recommends keeping it simple. Better something honest and straightforward, like “I’m sorry for your loss,” than trying too hard and going too far. Use your positive memories of the deceased whenever possible. It lets them know that you care about them too and that they are not alone in their grief.
Don’t make empty sentences
Offering help is always a kind deed, but it must be done in the right way. Don’t burden them with the words, “Let me know if you need anything.” You must provide legitimate examples of how you can help . Tell them you will bring them dinner, take care of the pet, do some housework, do some errands, buy groceries – anything that can really help them.
Most importantly: do not hesitate to contact you. They may seem like you are bothering them during a difficult time, but they need support, comfort, and even a good distraction if you can visit them.