What to Do If Your Husband Is More Into Games Than Sex
This week we have newlyweds whose husband plays too much video games and it affects their sex life. Game over?
Some people have problems that require the delicate advice of a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick them in the teeth (i.e. honestly). I am the last one. Welcome back to Tough Love .
Note: I am by no means a therapist or medical professional. People ask for my advice, and I give them. End of transaction. If you have any problems, please submit a formal complaint here . Now that this doesn’t get in the way, let’s continue.
Hi, Patrick.
My husband and I have been married for six months, but the past two months have been terrible. My husband is a gamer (not a problem for me, I respect his hobbies) and completely put our marriage and therefore me as a lower priority than playing with his buddies. He always plays with his old game friends, they often take nights from 8 pm before I fell asleep a long time ago. I would ask him to spend time with me during this time, but this often led to quarrels, and he told me that I never let him entertain himself or enjoy activities that he liked (oops). When he plays, he is short, harsh and very rude to me. I want him to have fun, but I also want to be respected and a priority.
I no longer ask him to spend time with me or ask if he wants to do something. I tell him what I am doing and leave the door open. However, sex has practically stopped and we fight over it. Until two months ago, we had sex between four and five, sometimes somehow every day a week, but now I feel dissatisfied in this area. He says he thinks sex is “boring” now, but he can’t give me any ideas on how to change or improve it. Then he said that I was not initiative enough when I pointed out that when I do it, he always has an excuse or he refuses me.
He’s always angry or upset, and his instinct is to push me away. When the prospect of playing with his buddies comes up, I’m suddenly repulsed and annoyed. I do not know what to do. He doesn’t want to see a doctor about depression and refuses to go to a therapist to talk about it. He rarely opens up to me when he’s upset.
I want my marriage to be successful, but ugh. You are welcome,
Terrified newlyweds
Hello frightened newlyweds :
He definitely takes your marriage for granted, TN. He thinks he has crossed some imaginary checkpoint in your relationship and doesn’t have to try anymore. You have to make it clear to him that it is not.
However, you also dug in a small hole here. You have accidentally done something else that he loves to be the enemy. You may respect his hobby to some extent, but in his opinion, all your complaints will probably make him feel that you don’t like the fact that he plays video games . He thinks you hate what he thinks is part of his personality; what allows him to spend time with friends whom he no longer sees in person. There are probably several layers in his reluctance to have sex (some of which are over-flight and low physical activity), but it’s almost as if he has a grudge or refrains from sex as some kind of punishment – as if he is angry on you for trying to pick up his toys. No bueno.
As a player who has had its fair share of similar problems in the past, I have a few ideas to try. First, do not talk to him about it during the game or immediately after it. Relieve pressure. Obviously, whatever he plays, he gets angry easily (all that adrenaline, yo), so spare yourself the grief. Plus, talking about these issues while playing will only make him become defensive and make him feel even more like an attack on his hobby and not a problem in your relationship. Talk about it when he is not interested in video games.
Second, sit down and sit down and frame the problem in terms of your feelings so he knows it’s serious. It’s not “You’re always like this …” or “You don’t do this …”, it’s “It makes me feel …”. Walk through his thick skull that you are not grumbling, you are legitimately unhappy with the lack of intimacy in your relationship and fear that you are drifting apart. Tell him that you really want him to play video games because you know it makes him happy, but you also want him to show you that you make him happy too.
Third, see if you can find a compromise here. Ask him if he’d like to schedule his playtime for a few specific nights every week, and then leave the rest of the nights pre- open to spend time together. Maybe if he knows he always has Tuesday and Thursday evenings or something to play games completely continuously and without limits, he won’t feel like he has to slip away to get his playing time. Allocated playing time can lead him to be more open to other activities on non-gaming evenings, such as having sex.
But – and I can’t stress this – it’s important that you actually make plans with him for these non-game nights ahead of time. You should never wait for him to sit down to play and then ask him if he wants to do something with you. For him, sitting down and playing with friends is a social obligation. If he was at a friend’s house, you wouldn’t interrupt him and ask him to come home and chat with you, would you? Don’t hover around the house doing nothing, waiting for him to resent you, and then get upset when he decides to sit down and blow off some steam. Plan fun dates that will allow him to relax and get away from home. Help him find the excitement in the real world again. Maybe a little romance will help him remember why he fell in love with you in the first place, and remind him that sex is more fun than playing PUBG with his mates.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY FUNCTIONAL AND PLEASE KEEP IT SHORT . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.