How to Have a Threesome
Threesome sex may well be the most common sexual fantasy, but as common as it is, it can be difficult to achieve in real life. Here’s your guide to making this fantasy a reality.
Tell your partner that you are interested
If you haven’t already, the obvious first step is to let your partner know that you are interested in a threesome. If you are worried about how your partner might react to the news, explain your reasons. It’s easy to think the worst when someone says they want threesome. Your partner may be worried that you want to have a threesome because you no longer like him, or you are bored with your sex life, or you are interested in someone else. You can allay these fears by explaining to your partner what sounds especially sexy in a threesome with them. Make it clear that your partner is the most important person in the triad, not a third party.
Make sure you both want it
If your partner says yes to threesome sex, it’s important to make sure he’s honest. This is especially important if your relationship is monogamous. I can’t tell you how many couples I worked with when one partner agreed to a threesome but didn’t really want to. Your partner may worry about ending the relationship if you don’t have threesomes. Or they can go into self-sacrifice mode and put your needs ahead of their own. Threesomes can be disastrous if one partner simply does it for the other. Give yourself at least a few weeks to make a decision, and talk to your partner several times to make sure he wants it. Let them know it won’t get in the way of your deal. (If not – but that’s another article.)
Clear your boundaries
If you both agree with the idea of threesome sex, the next step is to discuss the specifics of what you want to do. Specifically, what guidelines or boundaries do you want to set? Do you want some definite boundaries for your first threesome? For example, you might want to make your life easier by simply kissing and caressing. Here are some things to think about:
- What specific sexual activities are you comfortable with with a third party?
- What specific sexual activities are not discussed? You may be comfortable during intercourse, but you don’t want to kiss.
- Are the rules different for each partner?
- What happens if either of you becomes jealous or uncomfortable during threesome?
- What do you want the third person to do after the threesome?
- Are you ready to repeat performances with the same person?
Many of my clients complain that this step is tiresome and deprives the fantasy of pleasure. But if you care about your relationship, it’s important to be clear about how comfortable you are. This is where many threesome fantasies fall apart. If you can’t agree on boundaries that will make you both comfortable, you probably shouldn’t go ahead and try to have a threesome.
First fantasize about it
Once you know exactly what is on the table and what is not, I highly recommend spending a little time talking dirty about a potential threesome first. When you guys go down, talk about what it would be like for a third person to be there. Think over possible scenarios with each other. Not only is this really hot, but it also serves as a final test to make sure you feel comfortable moving forward.
Lay down the tentacles
The next step will be one of the most frustrating steps in threesome sex – finding a third person. They are called “unicorns” for a reason. Not only do you need to find someone who will be attractive to both of you, he also needs to be attracted to you in return and excited about the specific boundaries that you have. This is a difficult task.
Dating apps are your friend here. Hang up a picture of the two of you and be honest about how you’re looking for someone to meet with. Don’t try to lure someone in with a solo profile and then force the idea of a threesome onto them.
Communicate your boundaries
I also highly recommend getting to know potential thirds ahead of time so that you can all evaluate each other and make sure you feel good going on. Meet somewhere for a drink and discuss what you are looking for.
I think it’s best to pass your boundaries on to a third party before the three of you are naked. It may seem more intimidating at first, but it will provide a better experience for all of you. Be sure to ask the third person about their comfort level and recommendations as well. Remember that they are people with their own needs and limitations. They are not just toys for you and your partner.
Do not rush
When you’re excited about the prospect of threesome sex, it’s easy to want it to happen as quickly as possible. But there are many reasons why threesomes can go wrong. Better to take your time and proceed with caution. In the end, your attentiveness will pay off.