How to Wean Parents From Spoiled Money Habits?

Our parents are our first and, by all means, the most influential teachers. They instill our values ​​in us, introduce their ideas and policies, and shape who we become.

And as many of your emails and comments clearly show, they can also really ruin our relationship with money. Whether they are the savers who buy up every penny, or the spenders who never seem to save enough money for a rainy day, their attitude towards money becomes ours – and if it’s not healthy, it can be hard to break. If you grew up in a home with imperfect financial habits, here’s how to end your cycle:

Ask tough questions

If you’re reading this, congratulations! You have already begun the process of recognizing that your ways of thinking and habits are unhealthy and in need of change. Alexander Lowry, professor of finance at Gordon College, says the first step to changing your money habits is to change your mindset. You need to free yourself from money thinking.

“Instead of living on the assumptions you made as a child about the possible and the impossible, allow yourself to question your own habits and ways of thinking,” says Lowry, who is also the director of the school’s Master of Science in Financial Analysis. “It’s awkward, so it can be so hard to do, but ultimately frees up.”

If you question the fundamentals of your relationship with money, you can start over.

“I usually start by identifying the behavior that you inherited from your parents, or more importantly, I asked myself how this behavior negatively affects my life and where I want to be,” says Karen Lee, a board-certified Georgia practitioner. Financial Planner. “I would also write a list of the ways he no longer uses.”

For example, does it make me struggle with debt? Does it affect the relationship? Does it somehow prevent me from moving forward in life?

“It might just make you live check after check and you can’t create a reserve fund,” says Lee.

If it starts to sound like therapy, Lee says that’s the point. “Leaving the habits learned in childhood is extremely difficult and requires some introspection,” she says.

(If you want to dive deeper, I recommend season 1 of comedian Gaby Dunn’s podcast, Bad With Money , in which she finds out how her parents ruined her relationship with money.)

Find a money mentor

“Now that you understand the problems the habit is causing you, ask yourself what step you could take to make a difference,” says Lee.

And that one change should mean finding a more positive money role model. Lowry says the next step is to determine who you can emulate.

“The learning curve when it comes to finance can be terribly steep, and knowing how little you know when you’re working to change your mindset can be enough to overwhelm you,” he says. “You will need a mentor to help you clean up your financial home.”

This could mean joining the Reddit community , a site like The Debt Movement , or following an expert whose advice you respect, like Liz Weston . Maybe you have a friend who is good with money and you can set up a time to discuss your concerns or support each other.

You can also learn from your spouse or other person who probably doesn’t have the same money problems as you. “I have found that the best opportunity for change is when a long-term relationship develops, when a child is forced to adjust to the other person’s monetary habits and preferences,” says Kevin Mahoney, CEO of Illumint , a financial consulting firm for young couples. “To take advantage of this opportunity, financial communication with a partner must remain polite and [you] must be receptive to new financial approaches.”

If you are really serious about this, you can turn to a financial planner. “Money is often a taboo topic in polite conversation,” Lowry says, but “professionals usually like to talk about their area of ​​expertise, and asking questions to loan officers, insurance professionals, financial planners and entrepreneurs is a great way to learn. “

They will also hold you accountable for the changes you try to make.

Plan for the future

“Most bad financial decisions are reactive, not proactive,” says Lowry. “Reactive reaction means money will be wasted and stress levels will rise.”

So increase your emergency fund. You’ve heard this advice a million times before, but it will be a godsend when you get your finances in order, because you inevitably get it wrong a few times. Prioritizing your emergency fund will give you breathing room to make mistakes, and once you do, your subsequent financial goals are more easily achievable.

But it can be tricky to do if your money mindset is not in the right direction. “If you grew up with a scarcity mentality, you might feel like every dollar you have accounted for and that any excess money you have must be spent immediately or it’s going to disappear,” Lowry says. “If you grew up with a parent who taught you to live beyond your means, it’s almost impossible to give up your spending habit because you feel you deserve all the wealth you want.”

So start small. Automate the $ 20 paycheck savings and gradually increase them as you get used to living without them.

And know that unexpected problems will arise. “Some parents can put some pressure if they disapprove of the changes that the child will have to defend or ignore,” Mahoney says.

Finally, forgive your parents and yourself. “Take this seriously and be patient with yourself,” says Laura Bojes, welfare advisor at HighTower St. Louis . “Reconstructing your relationship with money doesn’t happen overnight. You may have to work on it, but you will get it. “

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