How to Set Money Goals With Your Spouse
Each Monday, we address one of your pressing personal finance questions by seeking advice from several financial experts. If you have a general question or money issue, or just want to talk about something PeFi-related, leave it in the comments or email me at alicia.adamczyk@lifehacker.com.
This week’s question isn’t just about our Money Monday this week, it’s also part of our Money Talk series. It came from David via email:
How do you recommend being on the same page with your spouse when it comes to finances? We both grew up with completely different views of money. My parents encouraged me to save and live within our means, while my wife’s parents did not necessarily instill negative financial principles, but in fact did not instill them at all. I’ve tried to come up with plans and charts so we both have a say, but she seems to be losing interest after a week or two.
This is what individual experts usually say about a problem that affects each person differently: if you need personalized advice, you should see a financial planner.
Rephrase the conversation
First, it is very important to realize that you and your spouse grew up with a different monetary worldview. Fighting with your partner over money can be easy if you don’t understand how much the circumstances of your growing up affect the way you manage money as an adult. Coming to terms with this and showing empathy for your partner’s different financial views is an important first step towards figuring out how to land on the same financial page. Changing habits is not easy.
However, it looks like you might have to dig deeper. You understand that your stories are different, but have you discussed them together and how have they shaped your values now?
Katie Longo, a certified financial planner and author of the forthcoming book, Prosper Financially , says your conversations must change. While thinking about money in terms of tables and hard numbers may make sense given your history, your wife might be better off thinking about finances in other terms.
“Dream together and have fun imagining the future. Make conversation an opportunity instead of thinking it’s boring, ”says Longo. “What we want to talk about is the purpose of money, goals – what are we saving on?”
She invites you to sit down and imagine different goals: what do you want for your children and their education? Retire together? If money didn’t matter, what would you do? Make it fun. Setting specific goals can make this more real to your wife than abstract numbers that have no “real” purpose other than creating a nest.
If you have or want to have children, you can also talk to your wife about the values you want to instill in them and how you want to involve them in your money conversations. It can add meaning to your financial life.
And you could invest in a joint meeting with a financial advisor or financial therapist to get a neutral third-party perspective on what’s going on. The money can get hot and sometimes you need to turn down the heat. Financial incompatibility is one of the main reasons couples get divorced, and a more traditional therapist may not be able to provide strategies, tips, and tricks for dealing with financial problems. “If you’re going to see a therapist to save your marriage, maybe work with a financial advisor to solve your money issue,” Longo says.
Set rules
By discussing your goals, you can set tough rules about spending.
Longo suggests discussing whether you’re better off splitting and keeping track of your and each other’s expenses, or assigning a certain amount of “independent dollars” per month that you don’t need to account for. “Maybe the household account, and then separate individual accounts, because it takes away part of the ‘What did you spend on? “, She says.
Determine who is in charge of day-to-day bills, investments, etc. “Someone will probably take the lead, but both people need to spend time analyzing finances and have an understanding of the underlying factors,” Longo says.
If you or your wife screw it up, that’s okay. Instead of struggling with mistakes, think together about what worked or worked for the two of you. “Sometimes people succeed in change if they think about what they have changed in the past, reflect on it, and use it to move forward,” says Longo.
And if you find that your rules aren’t working, don’t be afraid to reset them. You are in this for a long time – there is no single right way to get your money.