Be the Parent Who Declines Gifts in Your Child’s Birthday Invitation
Being a destroyer is not easy. With any new trail you create, you are bound to face backlash. But now is 2018 and I feel like this is the year of bold gestures. The time has come.
On your child’s birthday invitation, write “No gifts please”.
I know it has always seemed like one of those things that is “theoretically good.” You may have seen other people try and fail . The New York Times reported on the trend of birthday celebrations without gifts a decade ago and how it caused confusion, contention, and mild trauma.
You may have even thought about doing it yourself at some point. I know I have it every time I plan a party for my 5 year old daughter. We have a lot of things, and it would be better if there were fewer of them. (Have you heard that fewer toys to choose from helps kids play more creatively, and new toys can still spy on them, and it’s amazing what young brains can do with junk ?) Anti-Consumerism! Altruism! Enlightenment!
And yet – a timid shrug – you can’t help but have gifts for your birthday, right ? My daughter, like all children, loves to open gifts, and many of the things she received over the years from kind, considerate friends were adored (and for everything else we sincerely thank you and say quietly put it on the gift shelf) … Giving and receiving gifts on birthdays is a deeply ingrained social norm. What about grandma? What do you say to grandma? How to change a tradition?
Just do it.
What pushes me over the line is this Twitter thread from a woman named Moist Toulett. Last week, she wrote in a very vulnerable tone about how to alienate being poor or broke when all your friends are financially comfortable. In this conversation, she linked to a previous discussion in which she talked about how difficult it is when her children are invited to birthdays.
Here is the complete branch :
The kids were invited to a birthday party this weekend, and I absolutely hate the fact that I have to go into debt to buy a present for this kid.
But I will. Because I was the guy who goes to birthday parties with or without a really cheap gift, and it’s so embarrassing.
And the parents of this child are also wealthy. Together, they probably make at least 3x more money than me. And have rich parents. Sigh.
Then, when my kids receive expensive birthday gifts from other kids, I feel terrible because I know I can’t repay the favor.
Think about who you are inviting and if they can afford the gift. Buying gifts can create a financial burden on some.
As much as I want to show up empty-handed, I don’t want my kids (or other people) to feel weird. I just can not.
The point is, you never know who might be in trouble. Writing in the invitations “please, no gifts,” Moist Toulett explains, “People who can and want to give you something will still do it. But it makes it clear to people who cannot. “
There are ways to reassure those who really want to give something. The most popular of these seems to be asking people to donate to a specific cause and letting people anonymously donate what they can afford. (Just don’t write “instead.” This is a children’s birthday, not a cotillion.)
If friends write to you and ask: ” Come on, do you really mean any gifts?” say, “Yes, I know.” A friend of mine wrote “No gifts please,” on the birthday invitation for her one-year-old son, and she strongly agreed. She even sent a guest list message a couple of times to remind people. I didn’t see any presents at the party – just a stack of greeting cards. As a guest, the gesture didn’t seem gaudy or odd – I, for one, appreciated that I didn’t have to buy another plushy giraffe, which is likely to end up in the Goodwill donation pile within a few months.
A grandmother can buy a gift for a child. Everything is fine.
As for how to explain this to your child, talk about how to have a fun day and celebrate with friends. That’s what’s important. Make your own gift if you like. Or better yet, experience .
You might cause some confusion at first, but everything changes. In the end, we all thank you. The time has come.